Tag Archives: poop

Local Vagrant Craps In Upstanding Citizens Garage. No One Cares.

Frankly, I thought this would cause some sort of citywide outrage but I’m disappointed in the lack of interest on the part of the local police and the several private detectives I’ve contacted to crack the case.
I mean, who knows what kind of terrible act of depravity this criminal will astound us with next! If he can crap in my garage what’s to keep him from pissing in your garden next week and using your Pomeranian to exfoliate when he takes a hose shower in the alley?
It’s a slippery slope people and crime doesn’t disappear all by itself.
Count me out though. No way I’m sitting in that freezing hell hole to lie in wait for some demented lunatic to have an urgent bowel movement.

Time moves on. It becomes less of an issue. I become adept at parking on the left side of the poop because no one can summon the courage to pick up someone elses feces and it’s much easier to exit the car without visual contact and be able to walk away with no guilt feelings. Because, honestly wouldn’t you rather just pretend it’s not there and let it disintegrate and blow away like nature intended?

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16 Comments

Filed under cracking ancient mysteries, creepy garage crapper, I can ignore terrible things, poop, things that affect only me, this may never be solved, vagrants

I Wanna Know

Someone recently very kindly pointed out to me that blogs occasionally contain some personal information about the author and their daily lives. This voyeuristic quality apparently makes it fun to quietly watch them go about their business while getting a peek into their brain.

This of course was a nice but passive aggressive way to let me know that me and my life are not at all present in the things I write.

Sure, occasionally I like to fume over the mindless jaywalker who stepped into oncoming traffic while I was on the road or reveal the horrifying incident at the Chipotle that took place only hours after my young son learned that ladies did in fact have vaginas instead of wieners but for the most part I leave my day-to-day happenings at the doormat when I step over the WordPress threshold.

After so many years of working diligently to not be vulnerable, needy or a pain in somebody elses ass, I’d almost forgotten how brilliant it is to see a person write something stripped down and bare enough that it makes them look completely human.

I’m not exactly sure when vulnerability and truth fell so out of fashion in my mind but there are days when all this autonomous droning about impersonal subjects and flaunting my “independence” gets tedious.

To exert so much energy in opposition to what I really feel at times is exhausting. It’s a struggle that results in exactly what I don’t want.

More isolation.Less warmth.

Since I am slow to absorb the most basic changes in routine, I’ll need to marinate in this sea of change for a few hours before I can produce a worthwhile post on the terrible new development of vagrants shitting in my garage.

Seriously. It’s either a guy without access to indoor plumbing, an urban Yeti or a bear that’s escaped from the zoo.

23 Comments

Filed under a screw loose, adversity, am I doing anything right?, Back to basics, bad writing about nothing, buffoonery, crap shack, crazy ramblings, do this for me, do you really have the time to read about my life, don't destroy my dreams, don't take a crap in my garage please, excuses, foul language in preschool, getting it together, good smells bad smells, hidden grammar errors and bad writing, hole in my life, I can't spell, I can't end a story OR a blog post, I complain too much, I enjoy being inferior, i like to pretend, I need to get an original thought, I run fast, i said it was uncategorizable, I'm a hack, I'm a jerk!, I'm all over the map, make it more personal

I Don’t Know What To Do With This Anger

Dog.

I’m having trouble expressing my anger over what I consider to be your blatant refusal to stop pissing and crapping on my carpet.

Yes, I’m aware that some of the blame lies with me and that while I should be out taking you for a much deserved walk I am instead in here drawing on my computer and banging out this post but lets not forget that it’s not my waste soaking into our beloved rug.

I find myself suffering from latent waves of guilt over the death of your good friend Grover and I am unwilling to discipline you in a manner that might crush your fragile psyche so here is my passive aggressive attempt to put my feelings in order.

25 Comments

Filed under dogs, I'm uncomfortable disciplining you, My dog likes to poop inside, this says more about me than it does about you, wait the door is open why did you do this