Category Archives: odd behavior

You’ve Got Another Thing Coming

Il Duce at the farm. See the weapon?

Yesterday I needed a momentary break from my service to the emperor. Doing his bidding all day every day can really wear on a person so after re-fixing his chocolate milk three times to get it just right and head off that epic screaming fit that we all could have suffered through, I sat down to catch up on some blog reading. I’ve got a list of fantastic mommy bloggers who I follow regularly because, well, I guess we have at least our reproductive abilities in common. God, it’s depressing though. After scrolling through all these upbeat, inventive tales of their funny and sweet children with the love they have for them coming across in every word they type I just got cranky. Especially one gal who posted an angelic pic of her smiling tot with goodness that just emanated from every pore in the child’s body.

Then I look at Il Duce. Every photo I have of him he’s either sneering, giving me the finger or brandishing a weapon. This filthy little animal has ruined nearly every family photo I’ve tried to take in the last two years. Not even his make-believe games come close to normal. Last night I heard him using his Diego plastic marsupials in a jungle adventure, except he kept calling them “sex monkeys” and putting them in jail for kissing. What the fuck does that mean? Don’t even start pointing the finger at me, because the phrase “sex monkeys” has never passed my lips. Even my ten-year old was scandalized.
We got his weirdly inconclusive test results back from the world-renowned three thousand dollars a pop Neuro/Psycho/Edu testing dude and he’s all like “what a funny kid! He’s super smart but not so good at being told what to do huh?” Yes, super expensive rip off artist, I could have pooled the collective resources of every  idiot who’s ever come in contact with him and come up with a more comprehensive plan of action than scratching my head and suggesting meds if he doesn’t calm down in a few years. Better yet, I’m gonna steal those meds and help myself to a big heap of mother’s little helper during the afternoons when it’s too crazy to deal with here. Okay?
Uggg. So anyway, I’m off to chauffeur Palpatine to his next engagement that takes place right after his school day ends. Let’s hope he’s not suffering from his usual fit of distemper and all goes smoothly. But realistically, probably not.

He got along REALLY well with the goats. Must be the horns.

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Filed under 1, bad parenting, boys with serious attitude, busy days, difficult child, difficult kids, discipline, education, foul language in preschool, kids, kids and parenting, kids that like cursewords, kids with potty mouth, kindergarten options, mothers, my kid the scapegoat, odd behavior, parenting, things to do today, things we shouldn't be thrilled by

Rewind

80s-hair-side-ponytail

Good times.

Clearly I’m having some sort of strange 80’s rewind that is affecting my life in several unforseen ways. My husband is quietly but inquisitively watching me from behind slightly arched eyebrows as I collect memorabilia from yesteryear, dust off my old LP’s and generally become way too enthused about defunct bands washed up actors and bad movies. I’d say the worst was the day I ran so fast to meet the UPS man delivering my autobiographies that I nearly concussed myself tripping over fourteen sets of discarded kid shoes. Now I’m wondering if there is something from this era I left unfinished (like my maturity?) so therefore deep down I have this unsatisfied need to return over and over to the same point in time to relive this era and fix whatever mistakes I made. Or perhaps it’s nothing more than the childish wish to go back  to a time where music, movies and life in general packed so much punch?

boombox

I had this exact model.

Naturally, I imagine my enthusiasm will wane and I’ll find something more important to do with my time (my husband is hoping it’s laundry, cooking and cleaning) but what is it about these little raw moments from the past that give rise to such excitement? I’m a firm believer that there is something very revealing about what we connect to, either in the past or present, that shapes our lives in a strange way. Although seemingly frivolous one would do well to take a hard look at what made or makes us tick and why that spark of childlike excitement lights us up when we come in contact with these things marching down the path of life. Things that have passed us by sometimes still have the ability to get us going again. I may have ripped down the Police posters that adorned my bedroom walls and shelved the VHS tapes of blurry films but somewhere in a hollowed out pit in the back of my grey matter is that blindingly shiny slice of time where we jumped up and down at the park blasting a cassette tape of Regatta de Blanc out of the speakers of our massive gun-metal grey radio and tried to get our covergirl purple  eyeshadow just right. I have a vivid memory of a summer night when I had just acquired the legal ability to drive ,of pulling up in front of the New City, New York Bradlees to gather party materials for later in the evening with “It’s Alright for You” blasting from the speakers.

More purple!

Later on we would eat junk food, watch The Terminator and Sixteen Candles back to back and struggle valiantly with the Rubik’s Cube. God, those were the days.

The+Police

sigh....

Rubiks-Cube-Puzzle

Still confounds me

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Filed under 1, bad 80's films, being lazy, music, New York, odd behavior, the police

The “B” Family Philosophy

Exactly how great is the “B” family? Let me tell you all about it. People cling to the hems of their smart fitting skirts in hopes that some of that greatness will waft over them making them as vital and spectacular. They come from miles around just to see them split the atom for fun on slow days. I remember hearing from mutual friends that it was time to write yet another fabulous cover story on the “B” family and their exploits in the Amazon Rain forest.  Portraits depicting the “B” family members hang in important galleries the world over and are gaped at daily by the common people. The “B” family doesn’t care much for politics or world matters, they only understand things that relate to their legacy and extraordinary gifts. The “B” family is matriarchal and therefore able to rid itself of any undesirable breeding material, which usually means all men. All males deemed worthy for reproductive purposes are systematically disposed of afterward. The “B” family can exact revenge in a way that most mortals wouldn’t even dream of. With the “B” family at the helm, no ship will ever crash. When it comes to all things green, you are more likely to find a “B” family member emptying a can of aquanet directly into the atmosphere while standing atop a pile of freon leaking 50’s refrigerators, than recycling. Besides being eternally young and lovely, the “B” family smells like warm vanilla beans and christmas trees all year round. People in the “B” family know their physical limits and adhere to a rigorous nap schedule to  conserve their energy. When it comes to personal relationships, the “B” family rarely ventures outside their gates, but when they do the results are usually short lived and leave the outsider feeling poisoned.

No, I am not a member of the “B” family but I wouldn’t venture too close to this clan without my body armor and a full set of defensive tactics.

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Filed under odd behavior, powerful families, weird people