Category Archives: kids with warped minds

We’re Making Plans For Nigel

 

At some point I’m going to get a phone call from various defunct 80’s bands demanding some sort of restitution for all the titles I’ve stolen after a morning listening to Sirius XM’s First Wave.

I like to use the drive back from drop off to think about what needs to be done during the day and to formulate a plan of attack for whatever bizarre circumstances or unforseen disasters will fall in my lap thanks to my smallest child.

You see, despite the best laid plans and extensive help from all the most expensive professionals he still has some issues that prevent him from being ready for prime time.

Like the Saturday Night Live players but with less parody and more physical pratfalls.

So here I am, the grown up, struggling to hack my way through the thick brush surrounding the path back to normality for this kid.

Never have I been so confounded by another human being.

I lie in wait for the ramifications of each decision I’ve made on his behalf  dreading the large casualty laden explosion that is clearly imminent. Nothing is clear-cut and never have the stakes been so high.

Imagine if laid before you are a deck of a thousand cards and you must pick five or six to determine the path that someone takes at various important crossroads in their life.

Now take a look at the possible outcomes.

Steven Hawking or the Unibomber.

Churchill or Mussolini.

Yes, perhaps I’m exaggerating his potential but his propensity for extremes is legendary and being in his service for these long five years has taken its toll on the staff here.

It would be accurate to say we live in fear.

Fear of the next step.

Fear that the wrong choice will cause everything to go up in flames (don’t laugh, it’s happened)

Usually I have these things set up far in advance of the actual decision-making event but I happen to be in the middle of a long period of wait and see fence-sitting that’s really starting to hurt my ass.

And so, as I perch here and think about making plans for Nigel I’m still frozen with doubt and remorse over things I’ve not even done yet.

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Filed under adhd, am I doing anything right?, average is so much easier, bad parenting, behavior problems in kids, better skills, boys with serious attitude, can I have a normal day, crazy ramblings, delinquints, difficult child, difficult kids, discipline, failure, fight or flight response, foul language in preschool, four year old love, getting it together, here we go, I have 3, I have HOW many kids?, I'm not as effective in a bad situation as I thought I would be, I'm all over the map, il duce is five, It's embarassing when you suck at something, keep the expectations low okay?, kids, kids and parenting, kids that don't fit the mold, kids that like cursewords, kids with warped minds, kindergarten options

The Re-emergence of the Sex Monkeys and Other Sordid Tales

 

They’re back!

The Sex Monkeys will rock your world. Break out the lighters, or maybe cell phones now.

After what seems like a ten-year hiatus the Sex Monkeys are playing an exclusive number of dates here in the back toy room.

For those of you unfamiliar with their interesting back story, here is a peak behind the music.

Nice, right?

Anyway, Il Duce broke out his Diego Marsupial bunch for one last cash grab tour after I thought I would never see them again.

Their last single, aptly named “Put in Jail for Kissing” coincided with a certain pre-school shenanigans that started with an innocent crush on another four-year old and commenced with the scandalous “kiss” in question.

You can imagine what his punishment was, correct?

In today’s episode we are clearly seeing something else brewing because we are looking at a  battle  between the Sex Monkey’s and the archetypical superheros.

BAM! PLOW! Be gone wicked monkeys. The hammer of justice will vanquish you!

Can you already analyze the internal conflict here?

I am trying to suppress my primordial urges to be “bad” by using the “good” guys to vanquish them!

That will be one thousand dollars please!

Anyway, lately Il Duce has been peppering us with his warped version of what he thinks “sex” is since viewing ten seconds of a Torchwood episode where an alien disguised as a human gets it on with an innocent guy and then kills him.

It goes like this…

Sex is when a woman sits on a desk and takes off her underwear. Then she makes these weird sounds and they push each other.
All of a sudden the lady turns into a cloud of alien smoke and kills the man. The end.

Nice.

I got all holier than thou with my poor husband who kept apologetically trying to tell me that in the ten seconds it took him to get to the controls to switch it off ALL of this information was absorbed.

After trying to erase this smut from the grey matter of the tiny monarch I was informed that he would never EVER be able to get it “out of his brain”.

Warped, demented and traumatized.

So anyway, if anyone has a full proof method for the eradication of thousands of cumulative mistakes that result in my poor five-year old being the receptacle of all this wrong information, please drop me a line because aside from letting him work through it with the epic Sex Monkeys vs. Marvel/DC Superheros battle for my soul I’m at a loss.

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Filed under epic battles, kids with warped minds, re think what we watch, reasons I spend so much money with specialists, sex monkeys, super heros, touring