Category Archives: kids that don't fit the mold

We’re Making Plans For Nigel

 

At some point I’m going to get a phone call from various defunct 80’s bands demanding some sort of restitution for all the titles I’ve stolen after a morning listening to Sirius XM’s First Wave.

I like to use the drive back from drop off to think about what needs to be done during the day and to formulate a plan of attack for whatever bizarre circumstances or unforseen disasters will fall in my lap thanks to my smallest child.

You see, despite the best laid plans and extensive help from all the most expensive professionals he still has some issues that prevent him from being ready for prime time.

Like the Saturday Night Live players but with less parody and more physical pratfalls.

So here I am, the grown up, struggling to hack my way through the thick brush surrounding the path back to normality for this kid.

Never have I been so confounded by another human being.

I lie in wait for the ramifications of each decision I’ve made on his behalf  dreading the large casualty laden explosion that is clearly imminent. Nothing is clear-cut and never have the stakes been so high.

Imagine if laid before you are a deck of a thousand cards and you must pick five or six to determine the path that someone takes at various important crossroads in their life.

Now take a look at the possible outcomes.

Steven Hawking or the Unibomber.

Churchill or Mussolini.

Yes, perhaps I’m exaggerating his potential but his propensity for extremes is legendary and being in his service for these long five years has taken its toll on the staff here.

It would be accurate to say we live in fear.

Fear of the next step.

Fear that the wrong choice will cause everything to go up in flames (don’t laugh, it’s happened)

Usually I have these things set up far in advance of the actual decision-making event but I happen to be in the middle of a long period of wait and see fence-sitting that’s really starting to hurt my ass.

And so, as I perch here and think about making plans for Nigel I’m still frozen with doubt and remorse over things I’ve not even done yet.

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Filed under adhd, am I doing anything right?, average is so much easier, bad parenting, behavior problems in kids, better skills, boys with serious attitude, can I have a normal day, crazy ramblings, delinquints, difficult child, difficult kids, discipline, failure, fight or flight response, foul language in preschool, four year old love, getting it together, here we go, I have 3, I have HOW many kids?, I'm not as effective in a bad situation as I thought I would be, I'm all over the map, il duce is five, It's embarassing when you suck at something, keep the expectations low okay?, kids, kids and parenting, kids that don't fit the mold, kids that like cursewords, kids with warped minds, kindergarten options

I Suspect the Kids Might Actually Be Doing These Things On Purpose

 

Probably the last thing I'll ever see.

Sometimes I get the unnerving feeling that my kids are out to get me.

Not the usual my kids are sucking the marrow from my bones and I have not one iota of energy or sense of self left to keep me alive type of getting me.

This is malice aforethought.

I’ll site you some random examples from the last few days.

1) When a pollster for Adrian Fenty arrived at my door to ask me if he could count on my support during the upcoming election, I felt a gentle shove from behind pushing me over the threshold onto the front porch. Then I heard the distinct dreaded sound of the door locking behind me. No matter how hard I smashed on the windows or how loud I screamed, I wasn’t getting in.

2) They spent the better part of an hour-long road trip  throwing dangerous projectiles inside the car. Several times I thought they had enough velocity to smash out the front windshield. After a dressing down they decided to make the sound of the little boy from The Grudge for the rest of the ride fraying what was left of my two very unstable nerves.

3) My boys were playing whack a mole with bowling pins and various household objects until we refocused them on something less destructive where they sent a small furry stuffed animal back and forth on the floor. Much better right?

Wrong.

They decided this furry mammal was a beaver and kept smashing it with the bowling pins screaming “BEAVER SHOT!” at the top of their lungs. My husband and I were paralyzed with fear unsure if we were being baited or if it really was an innocent mistake.

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Filed under afternoon time wasters, am I doing anything right?, bad parenting, I don't know how to end a blog post, i don't like mondays, I have 3, i love kids, I REALLY DO, il duce is five, interesting things I saw today, kids, kids and parenting, kids growing up, kids that don't fit the mold, kids that like cursewords, kids with potty mouth, monday blahs

A Trip Through Your Wires

Please turn out normal, please turn out normal.

Sit down, shut up, sit still, stop fidgeting, we will stop the class if you continue making that noise.

We are going to spend so much time and energy trying to break and tame you that we will be too exhausted to take a real look at what you have to offer.

Welcome to the machine.

It’s a big angry monster that takes kids in and molds them and then spits them out ready to take on the menial tasks of everyday life with all the fun, joy and physicality wrung out of them.

Take this pill, it will make you big/small/calm/quiet/ easier to stomach/ invisible.

This one will make you far more palatable for us and this one will take the edge off and deaden those senses a bit just in case you were thinking of making some mischief.

What a waste of that big brain . Why can’t you calm down and show us what you can do?

Let’s rewire you.

OT,PT, behaviorist, shadows, non stop meetings and endless communication with parents. More pills.

Good bye playground hello hard wooden chair and desk.

 Stop daydreaming. What’s so interesting outside that window that you can’t keep your eyes on me?

No I don’t see any figures in those clouds, and neither should you.

This will go down on your permanent record.

You are defective, disruptive and rude.

We cannot deal with you so you must leave.

You can take your pills and shove them up your unimaginative ass.

You can take your hours of mindless worksheets and let the robots fill them out.

You couldn’t interest me less in my permanent record as my paper trail was already a mile long by the time I was three.

Put the quiet twenty-minute circle time feather in your pipe and smoke it.

I may have some issues (hey, who doesn’t?) but they will shake out after some hard work and time.

When I have destroyed  nations and taken over the world I’ll be sure to look you up so I can thank you for not listening to me.

We can walk down memory lane and talk about the trips to the office and the time outs and the fake concern.
Then I’ll blow up your house put you in jail and fulfill every prediction you had for me when I was just small and helpless and wondering how to feel about myself.

Just kidding. I’ll show you that I turned out just fine. My parents worried themselves into an early grave but things are just smashing in my neck of the woods.

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Filed under 1, kids, kids that don't fit the mold, parenting badly, please let him grow up to be normal, the blind leading the blind