Category Archives: It’s embarassing when you suck at something

We’re Making Plans For Nigel

 

At some point I’m going to get a phone call from various defunct 80’s bands demanding some sort of restitution for all the titles I’ve stolen after a morning listening to Sirius XM’s First Wave.

I like to use the drive back from drop off to think about what needs to be done during the day and to formulate a plan of attack for whatever bizarre circumstances or unforseen disasters will fall in my lap thanks to my smallest child.

You see, despite the best laid plans and extensive help from all the most expensive professionals he still has some issues that prevent him from being ready for prime time.

Like the Saturday Night Live players but with less parody and more physical pratfalls.

So here I am, the grown up, struggling to hack my way through the thick brush surrounding the path back to normality for this kid.

Never have I been so confounded by another human being.

I lie in wait for the ramifications of each decision I’ve made on his behalf  dreading the large casualty laden explosion that is clearly imminent. Nothing is clear-cut and never have the stakes been so high.

Imagine if laid before you are a deck of a thousand cards and you must pick five or six to determine the path that someone takes at various important crossroads in their life.

Now take a look at the possible outcomes.

Steven Hawking or the Unibomber.

Churchill or Mussolini.

Yes, perhaps I’m exaggerating his potential but his propensity for extremes is legendary and being in his service for these long five years has taken its toll on the staff here.

It would be accurate to say we live in fear.

Fear of the next step.

Fear that the wrong choice will cause everything to go up in flames (don’t laugh, it’s happened)

Usually I have these things set up far in advance of the actual decision-making event but I happen to be in the middle of a long period of wait and see fence-sitting that’s really starting to hurt my ass.

And so, as I perch here and think about making plans for Nigel I’m still frozen with doubt and remorse over things I’ve not even done yet.

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The Cartwheel

Did you ever have a moment that brought down your meticulously crafted but mostly flimsy house of cards?

Yeah, okay so I’ve had roughly fifteen or so of these incidents but let me tell you about one with a groupie with a heart of gold (which essentially is like saying a hooker with a heart of gold because let’s  just be honest here) who thought she could do an awesome cart-wheel and then found out she couldn’t.

And even worse.

Everyone knew before she did.

I had shown everyone what I imagined to be my precise, well executed gymnastic maneuver never knowing that my legs were bent and splayed and not extended gracefully like I imagined .  I also never really got the kind of liftoff needed for a proper landing so I came down kind of sideways very near where I started. AND, I had been doing this for years.

In my mind I was flying through the air with the ease of Nadia Comaneci while in reality everyone was watching a very awkward  sub par display.

Thankfully, after deciding to “help” my daughter learn how to cart-wheel we had a captive private audience in my backyard that consisted only of family and that is where I learned the awful truth.

After a baffled look from my little girl who clearly stated “THAT was a cart-wheel?!”, my husband took me aside and gave me a gentle talk while trying to stifle laughter.

At first I refused to believe.

I do a fucking GREAT cart-wheel, I said to myself.

Eventually reality set in and I accepted this grim reality about myself vowing never to attempt a manuver like this ever again lest I embarrass myself.

Until last week.
When during a Girl Scout meeting, my troop were attempting to  do cartwheels across the lawn during a beautiful spring day and I thought to myself “why not?”

With a group of twenty little gymnastically challenged girls cheering me on I made a running start to gain some momentum for my last chance at a medal. Well, a medal in my mind anyway, but I digress.

When I left the ground I knew immediately that I nailed it because I spent entire time willing my legs to extend and my arms to stay outright to support my weight. I locked my elbows and knees and prayed that the landing would go equally well.

It did.

I finished to applause and gasps not of horror, but of ENVY.

Someone even stopped their car on the way down the street to watch me and got out to clap.

It was perhaps the most awesome cart-wheel I have ever done in my life.

Like an extremely strong robust teabag full of fantastic leaves, steeped for an hour in the most scalding mug of piping hot water, resulting in a delicious cup of wonderful.

I’ll take my gold medal now.

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Filed under cartwheels, i did it!, I'm bad at gymnastics, It's embarassing when you suck at something, last chance to prove I'm not horrible, reasons why I'm not more popular