Category Archives: inability to think on my feet

This Is The Speech I Want To Hear Someday


Like I’ve said before, there are times when doing the emperors bidding wears you down and makes you long for a two week vacation to Tahiti.

Il Duce was especially demanding today when his needs were not getting met within milliseconds of the request going out so it should  come as  no surprise that I’m wrapped up tightly  in a blanket on the second floor of my house typing quietly so he cannot find me using the powers of his super human ears.

Nobody told me there would be days like these. Strange days indeed.

Okay, so I’m being melodramatic but every once in a while I imagine that all the backbreaking work yields spectacular results and he goes supernova during adulthood.

Supernova enough to get mommy a beach house and a jet.

So it is with this in mind that I let myself pretend that I’m sitting in the back of a lavishly furnished hall filled to capacity while my son gives his retirement speech at 25 years of age after selling his gazillion dollar company to some shmuck who REALLY  wanted it.

*Tap* *Tap*

“Is this thing on?”

(muffled laughter)


Wow thank you Bill , for those kind words.

It was indeed four years ago that I came into this building through the creaky industrial metal front door. If I had known then what a roller coaster ride we were in for I might have turned tail and run my motherfucking ass RIGHT back out into the street but thankfully for all of us, I did NOT.

 Ignorance was bliss in those days and we forged ahead with this radical new plan, completely chuffed that we were getting a chance to spread this new groundbreaking technology throughout the world.

I’ll keep it brief but I do want to tell you how much I have appreciated some of the things that make this company so special – not just the business end of things but the people as well.

Comrades, I am leaving but I will be watching your mind-blowing progress with interest from afar. And by “afar” I mean the beach of an uncharted tropical island I’ve purchased.  I am certain you will all go on to achieve far better things than I did. If my legacy to you was time spent building this place up, your legacy to me is one of friendship, loyalty and promise.

I have just one final point to make – that is to thank the only person who is 100% responsible for everything I have achieved in my life, my beloved mother.

There were times that I drove her completely insane, screamed, yelled demanded of her and she never gave up on me. It is by some kind of divine intervention that she did not leave me on a highway overpass after four mind melding hours in traffic that I spent loudly mimicking  the noise  made by the creepy dead child from The Grudge.

I consider myself lucky to never have tasted the punishing tang of soap for the string of jaw dropping profanities that came so fast and furious out of my small mouth from the moment I could speak and the fact that I was never tied up outside on a dog leash to work off excess energy is a testament to her superior parenting.

Those threats I made to throw my siblings into a lava pit that I would purchase when I grew up and got rich were clearly never acted upon and I send my love to my sister and brother who couldn’t be here today.

So here’s to you mom and that sparkling new glass and steel structure I built you overlooking the clear crystal blue sea.

I now raise my glass to you and say farewell.

Get in! I'll drive you to my lava pit!





Filed under am I doing anything right?, bad parenting, beach house, boys with serious attitude, can I have a normal day, difficult child, disasters, failure, il duce is five, inability to think on my feet

This is you, as seen by me

There are some things we can all agree on regardless of how different we may be. Like the universally understood fact that  no one can raise a barn or make potato salad like the Amish AND no matter how perfect you are there is always room for improvement. That last part is a tricky one. I’ve thought long and hard over the years about ways I’d like to better myself. A sound mind and body, realization of my full potential (“would you like fries with that?”) mastering a lethal roundhouse kick, etc. But, I can say without a doubt that nothing makes me more determined to run quickly in the opposite direction of self-help, good fortune and prosperity than someone telling me what I’m doing wrong.

Have you ever had someone who decided to bless you with some “home truths” so you could better yourself after listening to their well thought out critique?  After lamenting your shortcomings and letting you know that there is always room for change where you are concerned there is always the pat on the head, and because you were tired or not your usual rapier sharp self you couldn’t come up with a  fitting retort for the situation. All you could do was stew in a vat of your own perceived inadequacies as you sat there like a whipped dog soaking up the criticism . 

This ALWAYS happens to me.

Not just because I suck in so many ways, but because thinking on my feet is not my strong point.   By the time I’ve thought of a way to say “hey, I’m not really that bad!” my urge grab a frying pan in a frenzy and knock the sanctimonious sneer off the face of my adversary has diminished.

So, the next time someone takes time out of their busy schedule to show you where you could use a little improvement just remember that the “fixer” probably has some serious issues of their own but occasionally the wisdom nuggets they drop around you DO have a bit of truth to them. Unless of course, like me, you could not be any closer to perfection than you already are.


Filed under 1, am I doing anything right?, better skills, inability to think on my feet, people with advice, self help, things I'm doing wrong