Category Archives: fear

In Today’s News

So.

Remember that whole post below where I ranted and raved like an unhinged lunatic about how worthless sea monkeys were?

Yeah.

Well, I need to print a retraction because……they’re ALIVE.

I didn't do this much work on the sea monkeys

This morning, tiny sea monkeys were swimming all around the tank.

Are they impressive?

No.

Do they have crowns, spears, smiling faces?

No

But they are alive.

Cue gentle music..

Perhaps in the end, the sea monkeys had a lesson to teach me. That lesson, I think, was something about patience.

But I’m not really sure. Whatever.

In other news, my mother’s entire existence as a fear mongering worry wart that spreads dreadful statistics and nightmarish news clippings was validated this weekend when her own grandson fell victim to the “untied shoe lace caught in the escalator” case scenario.

She has been waiting for this since they installed escalators in the Nanuet Mall in the 70’s.

Shoe laces and shredded legs.

She would make us stop, tie our shoe laces make sure we jumped clear of the jaws of metal death at the bottom where you could apparently have your entire leg shredded by this receptacle of doom.

If you were dumb enough to bend down to try to free your leg that was being torn off  by the metal teeth would surely have your long hair ensnared in no time.

Then it would crush your head and eat your brain.

What a shredded hamburger like mess.

When they came to take you away and slopped all your bits and parts that remained onto the stretcher they would commiserate with your mother.

“NEVER get on an escalator with an untied shoe.”

“I TOLD her a THOUSAND TIMES!”

For the record, my son (her grandson) gave a tug and his shoelace came right out.
According to my mother, he barely survived.

7 Comments

Filed under Adventure, afternoon time wasters, fear, house of fun, near death experience, shoelace in escalator, your mother is always right

Mean Ghosts, Hungry Bears, Mystery Diagnoses and Addictive Personalities

Note to self. Look for bears next time.

I’ve just come off back to back viewings of I Shouldn’t Be Alive and Mystery Diagnosis and frankly I’m traumatized.

 There needs to be some sort of unspoken rule, contract or understanding between producer and viewer guaranteeing that  the people appearing are required to  SURVIVE so that I can have my feel good phew moment at the end where I wipe my brow and realize that even if I do have that ailment or find myself face to face with a grizzly there will be a happy outcome.

I thought I had it bad  on the evening when I went for the Paranormal StateIntervention A&E one two punch. I spent the rest of my night looking for disgruntled ghosts in my dining room and making lists of the things that might give you a predisposition to addiction. Hey that  girl sounds a LOT like me! I need to check my drawers for heroin!

I believe, I do , I do.

Now, getting back to the shows specializing in survival. Mystery Diagnosis is always a bad idea because everyone has a non descript headache with a rash that has them shaking hands with death halfway through the episode. Then everyone’s all like “my GOD! I have a headache RIGHT NOW!!!”

Hello sleepless night, I’ll be propping my eyelids open with toothpicks to keep checking my pulse and color.

I Shouldn’t Be Alive is a whole different can of worms. Extreme conditions, fights for survival against all odds and USUALLY the featured character is a little roughed up and wiser but still ALIVE.

Yesterday’s show featured a woman who stopped to look at a lovely watering hole in the woods and had both of her kids fucking eaten by a big angry bear. Then the bear charged her and tore through a few limbs before leaving her for dead to pursue some other innocent bystanders.

Nice.

Where is the hope people? I can’t watch things like this.

Not only was I completely blindsided by this turn of events but I feel you violated an unwritten rule. These people all need to have happy endings to show us that it is indeed possible to survive an illness that your doctor can’t peg and a surprise attack by a man-eating lunatic bear.

Gosh, what a disappointment.

14 Comments

Filed under 1, Bad cable shows, fear, ghosts on paranormal state

I Like My Fear Like I Like My Men. Burning HOT.

Yeah fear faucet, if only it were that easy.

If you were to look at me from a reasonable distance you would never imagine that under my cool seemingly unflappable exterior lies a geyser of festering terror just below the surface.

It is the result of trying to live my life without the comfort of the pretend safety net provided for me by my mother who is like a cross between a Woody Allen maternal movie caricature and a Sicilian death squad.

It took years of talking myself through situations that I was determined to conquer but had been taught to dutifully avoid like flying in an airplane and swimming in the Pacific (most shark attacks happen in three feet of water or less you know!) before I could stop white knuckling it while going through the motions and have an authentically joyful experience.

 Whether it was an ominous foreboding hunch or a mildly threatening prediction, mom always had you thinking the worst could happen, and if it did, it would be happening directly to you.

It was this type of contrary news , delivered with the zealous fervor of an unhinged televangelist, that got me thinking.

When faced with the proof that negativity rots the soul, I realized this was clearly a problem, as I had specialized in second generation negativity since the 80’s thanks to mom.

That, and I could effectively live a life where NOTHING at all happened inside a safe room thereby giving the woman who birthed me exactly what she wanted OR I could go enjoy myself at the risk of being taken hostage by angry pirates next time I was on a boat.

So I took a mental inventory of things I’ve done that gave me pause, but I did anyway.

Took a hot air balloon ride past Pikes Peak in Colorado.

Rode horses through Garden of the Gods.

Attended hundreds of rock concerts in questionable attire with varied and interesting people.

Married a guy who could grow a beard.

Traveled far and wide in planes, trains and automobiles.

Had three kids.

Jumped off a cliff (into water)

Drove a boat and a jet ski.

Used a public toilet in Mexico. It was an emergency, don’t judge me.

Okay, the longer I sat and thought about this the bigger the list got and I started to sound completely reckless and foolhardy so I cut it short. You get the basic idea though.

These days the old battle-ax drops her fear pellets around the fringes where they can still be found but are harder to detect.

Usually they come by email and have a simple subject line like “SEE!” or “Watch the kids to make sure they don’t have these symptoms!” followed by an attachment from CNN breaking news.

I’ve been warned about the following.

Bankruptcy and foreclosure for the non frugal.

Venereal Disease for the promiscuous.

Splinters for those who run on hardwoods with bare feet.

Plane crashes for those that fly in the winter (they aren’t de-icing those wings for nothing you know)

And of course a head injury for the careless or those without a helmet.

These days I just laugh and hit the delete button but sometimes I still find myself checking to see if anyone in my house has that weird looking rash she emailed me about the other day.

9 Comments

Filed under 1, fear, mother, negativity, nice job

True Evil

No one likes puppets. Don’t even pretend like there was a carefree whimsical time in your life when you didn’t realize these heinous soul stealing devils were out to get you because everyone knows how untrustworthy and creepy they are. Even infants and the limited resources they are working with know to break into screams when Lady Elaine pops up like a serial killer from behind the castle in the land of make-believe. It takes at LEAST five minutes for Mr. Rogers and his soothing voice to quiet the shrieks.

AHHHHH Shit!!!!!!

Never liked her or the confusing merry-go-round thing she rode in that was attached to the castle.

This wasn’t the only show I watched that made me uncomfortable and sad as a kid. Who decided that H.R. Puff n’ Stuff was a good idea? I actually had a horrifying nightmare as a small child that I remember with amazing clarity to THIS day because of this show and too many trips to McDonald’s. In it, the characters from HRPNS along with Mayor McCheese and the Hamburgler stepped out of the woods on the edge of our property and began the slow zombie like lurch/walk toward our house to kill us. At least I assumed this was their intent as they all had furrowed brows and angry eyes. I tried repeatedly to get my mothers help to ward them off and save our family, but she kept shooing me away and telling me I was crazy until they starting banging on the door and smashing in the windows. Vivid and terrifying.

Don't kill me!

Everywhere they go, puppets make people unhappy. The exception to this rule is any variety of muppet (think Sesame Street, the Muppet Show and occasionally Fraggle Rock) that works hard to deliver one liners and teach drooling kids the alphabet.

8 Comments

Filed under 1, fear, hr puff n stuff, lady elaine is horrible, scary puppets