Category Archives: delinquints

We’re Making Plans For Nigel

 

At some point I’m going to get a phone call from various defunct 80’s bands demanding some sort of restitution for all the titles I’ve stolen after a morning listening to Sirius XM’s First Wave.

I like to use the drive back from drop off to think about what needs to be done during the day and to formulate a plan of attack for whatever bizarre circumstances or unforseen disasters will fall in my lap thanks to my smallest child.

You see, despite the best laid plans and extensive help from all the most expensive professionals he still has some issues that prevent him from being ready for prime time.

Like the Saturday Night Live players but with less parody and more physical pratfalls.

So here I am, the grown up, struggling to hack my way through the thick brush surrounding the path back to normality for this kid.

Never have I been so confounded by another human being.

I lie in wait for the ramifications of each decision I’ve made on his behalf  dreading the large casualty laden explosion that is clearly imminent. Nothing is clear-cut and never have the stakes been so high.

Imagine if laid before you are a deck of a thousand cards and you must pick five or six to determine the path that someone takes at various important crossroads in their life.

Now take a look at the possible outcomes.

Steven Hawking or the Unibomber.

Churchill or Mussolini.

Yes, perhaps I’m exaggerating his potential but his propensity for extremes is legendary and being in his service for these long five years has taken its toll on the staff here.

It would be accurate to say we live in fear.

Fear of the next step.

Fear that the wrong choice will cause everything to go up in flames (don’t laugh, it’s happened)

Usually I have these things set up far in advance of the actual decision-making event but I happen to be in the middle of a long period of wait and see fence-sitting that’s really starting to hurt my ass.

And so, as I perch here and think about making plans for Nigel I’m still frozen with doubt and remorse over things I’ve not even done yet.

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Filed under adhd, am I doing anything right?, average is so much easier, bad parenting, behavior problems in kids, better skills, boys with serious attitude, can I have a normal day, crazy ramblings, delinquints, difficult child, difficult kids, discipline, failure, fight or flight response, foul language in preschool, four year old love, getting it together, here we go, I have 3, I have HOW many kids?, I'm not as effective in a bad situation as I thought I would be, I'm all over the map, il duce is five, It's embarassing when you suck at something, keep the expectations low okay?, kids, kids and parenting, kids that don't fit the mold, kids that like cursewords, kids with warped minds, kindergarten options

The Horrifying Incident Involving the Boy, His Mouth, a 44 Minute Wait on Line, The Word Vagina and Fifty Scandalized, Hungry Patrons

Hey, remember me?

Super freewheeling summertime girl with the wind in her hair, not a care in the world and the family that looked like it jumped off the J. Crew end of summer catalog?

 Yeah, well she shriveled up into a ball and fucking vaporized in a puff of smoke this evening while trying to exert what little parental authority she was still clinging to during a mortifying incident at the jam-packed Friendship Heights Chipotle.

The scene opens with a sun-kissed, seemingly relaxed mother and her cute tanned energetic child engaging in playful banter  and games to bide the time at the end of a very long slow-moving line.

Area power outages have taken out the restaurant computer system and they seem to be processing transactions on some sort of Fred Flintstone rock and chisel credit card contraption.

Mother: Sam, get off the ledge, you might fall.

Sam: This line is long and I’m going to cut it. Let’s walk up there and just give the stupid order. This is terrible AND boring.

Mother: I know, but all these people are waiting just like us so that’s not fair.

Sam: Life is not fair. You say that to your kids all the time so I’m saying it to you now. (sing songy voice) Gonna drive my steamroller over all these stupid people and make them flat, then I’m gonna walk right over them and get my rice, la, la, la…

Mother: Sam! That’s not nice. Stop.

Sam: (under breath) It’s what we really need to do. Make pancake people and less line.

Fifteen more agonizing minutes pass with the levels of buffoonery increasing exponentially.

Mother: (sensing danger) Sam, you want me to pick you up?

Sam: (smiling) sure!

Sam: Hey, I can see your boobs from up here!

Mother: Okay, it’s time for me to put you down now.

Sam: (now rolling on the concrete floor and swatting at the bottom of his mothers sundress) Hey! I can see your vagina if I lift up your dress right?  Gavan taught me that girls penises are called vaginas! You have a vagina (then looking around and pointing to the surrounding women) and you have one, and you too. All ladies do!

Mother smashes her hand over Sam’s mouth

Sam: HEY! mrphh, machina, shtop, I CNTBREAFFFF!!!!!!!!

Mother: Shut it or you will NOT get a Mr. Pibb you fucking deviant animal, hiss.

Mother: (to employee) yea, I’d like three chicken…

Sam: VAGINAS!!!!

Mother: Burritos and one..

Sam: Lady vaginas! We want lady vagina on our burritos.

Mother: (covering Sam’s mouth with the iron force of a thousand livid parents) Just give me four burritos!

Employee:(quizzical look, cartoon question mark over head) burritos?

Mother: YES! Four of them, please hurry for the love of Christ!

Sam: (tearing at his mother’s fingers) pah chinas!!!!!

Mother: throwing cash at the checkout girl) QUICKLY! These four and a small Dr. Pibb.

Sam: Mr. Pibb doesn’t have a vagina cause he’s a boy and he’s got a penis. Mom, don’t you wish you could pee standing up?

Mother: no.

Defeated, she leaves the Chipotle with her head hanging in shame and her small son singing a remarkably catchy song about penises and why they are much more fun than vaginas.

Fade to black, end scene.

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Filed under Adventure, adversity, am I doing anything right?, bad parenting, buffoonery, can I have a normal day, delinquints, difficult kids, disasters

Epiphany

This week many things took place in this household.

For starters, I kept casting long sullen glances at my blog after coming to the sudden realization that I was better at the disjointed nonsensical ramblings of twitter than I was posting here.

Well, if I could ever figure out the maze of deceptive and confusing caverns that Twitter is made up of anyway.

I DO tend to run out of characters in the middle of a thought and I never check the @replies to my chatter.

Like I said over there; I’m the equivalent of a Twitter hit and run artist. I fire a shot over the bow and walk away never staying to clean up the aftermath.

Last night I got a disciplinary email from the administrators at the mighty Club Penguin. For those of you not familiar, I won’t go into brain numbing details but suffice to say it’s a kids online world made up of penguins and igloos and games for kids to play.

Each one of my kids has an account and my five-year old takes it VERY seriously.

When one of his penguins “puffles” (this is a penguin pet) died from neglect (he did not feed, walk, wash or play with it) he would spontaneously burst into tears during the week he was sitting Shiva and aim his balled up fists at the sky and yell “WHY GOD, WHY?!”

I knew the guilty party was my daughter who was off site participating in the usually forbidden school day sleepover at her best friends house. When confronted with the evidence this morning in the car, both girls turned white as a ghost while offering protests too weak to be considered seriously.

I muddled past my annoyance and disapproval and enjoyed making them squirm for the five minutes we had together in transit.

The following is my correspondence with the support team. Notice I make a lame attempt to exonerate them by claiming they were not near a computer and could never have done this. This is a blatant lie and a last-ditch attempt at saving “Arty Artica”.

Hello Kelly,

Thanks for taking the time to contact us at Club Penguin Support.

Looking into the account ‘Arty Artica’ I am able to see that it was recently banned for continued use of Inappropriate Language. If you would like a more detailed description of the ban history I can provide you with exactly what was said on the account.   

**Please be aware that these messages may contain explicit language which may not be suitable for all eyes.

I would like to assure you that it is not possible for someone to ‘hack’ into a penguin account that does not belong to them.  We have many security features in place to prevent this from happening.  

All passwords in Club Penguin are protected by 128-bit encryption.  This is the same type of security that banks use.  This type of security makes it literally impossible for anyone to decipher a penguin password. It would actually take years for this to be done and it would not be worthwhile for anyone interested in accessing a penguin account.

The only possible way that a penguin account can be accessed is with the exact account password that is attached to the penguin. The following are the only ways that someone could access a penguin account:

1. If the password is shared with someone.

2. If the ‘Remember Me’ and/or ‘Remember my Password’ option is selected on a public or shared computer.

3. If the password is simply too easy to figure out.

For more information about how we handle information passed through and collected by Club Penguin, we welcome you to view our Privacy Policy at the following link: 

http://www.clubpenguin.com/privacy.htm

If you have any other questions, please feel free to let us know.

Kindest Regards,

Andrew

Club Penguin Support 

<<>><<>><<>><<>><<>><<>><<>><<>><<>> 

  ORIGINAL MESSAGE – do not edit below this line  

<<>><<>><<>><<>><<>><<>><<>><<>><<>> 

> From: kduffy@id**************

> Date: May 13, 2010 – 08:31 PM

> To: kduffy@i*****************

>

> Dear Club Penguin Membership,

> I find this a little suspect as my kids haven’t played Club Penguin in  

> months .

> I suppose someone may have hacked an account, so I suppose it’s better  

> to have it deleted.

> Thank you,

> Kelly Duffy

> Sent from my iPhone

> On May 13, 2010, at 7:03 PM, “billing@clubpenguin.com

> <billing@clubpenguin.com  > wrote:

> >

> > Dear Kelly Duffy

> >

> > Thank you for your continued Club Penguin membership, however the  

> > penguin account Arty Artica has been banned forever and the  

> > membership has been cancelled.

> >

> > The penguin account Arty Artica was banned forever on May 13, 2010.  

> > The membership associated with this account has been cancelled and  

> > you will no longer be billed.

> >

> > Everyone on Club Penguin must play within the rules agreed to when  

> > an account is created. To keep our site safe, accounts that break  

> > the rules are banned.  The Club Penguin Rules are listed at the end  

> > of this email.

> >

> > If you would like more information, or have questions about the bans  

> > on this account please contact support@clubpenguin.com. Please  

> > include the transaction number from your membership email for  

> > verification.

> >

> > Sincerely,

> >

> > The Club Penguin Team

> >

> >

> > Club Penguin Rules

> > 1) Respect other penguins – Club Penguin does not tolerate any  

> > swearing, bullying or mean behavior toward other penguins.  

> > Disciplinary action will be taken should any one of these occur  

> > while playing.

> > 2) Never reveal your personal information – The best way to stay  

> > safe online is to NEVER share your real name, phone number, address,  

> > email or passwords.

> > 3) No inappropriate talk – References to drugs and alcohol related  

> > activities, and sexual, racial or otherwise inappropriate talk are  

> > not permitted.

> > 4) No Cheating – Any use of third party programs to cheat is not  

> > allowed. Players who use any third party programs while playing risk  

> > being permanently banned.

> >

>  

<<>><<>><<>><<>><<>><<>><<>><<>><<>> 

  Ticket ID: 10973135-54128 

<<>><<>><<>><<>><<>><<>><<>><<>><<>> 

Good job kids.

They moved from calling my friends and I whores (or hores as they like to spell it) on Facebook to destroying the lives of small children on Club Penguin.  That grinding noise you hear is what remains of my teeth after having to clench my jaw no less than a thousand times this week.

I’d also like to add that the WordPress spellcheck insists that the Club Penguin email is riddled with spelling and grammar errors but I could not compromise my journalistic integrity by altering them.

I know you are impressed.

So anyway, after all that hurly burly things are somewhat back to normal and the weekend schedule is packed.

I promise to  return to regularly scheduled programming tomorrow morning!

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Filed under banned for life, club penguin, delinquints, disciplinary email, twitter