Category Archives: crazy ramblings

I Wanna Know

Someone recently very kindly pointed out to me that blogs occasionally contain some personal information about the author and their daily lives. This voyeuristic quality apparently makes it fun to quietly watch them go about their business while getting a peek into their brain.

This of course was a nice but passive aggressive way to let me know that me and my life are not at all present in the things I write.

Sure, occasionally I like to fume over the mindless jaywalker who stepped into oncoming traffic while I was on the road or reveal the horrifying incident at the Chipotle that took place only hours after my young son learned that ladies did in fact have vaginas instead of wieners but for the most part I leave my day-to-day happenings at the doormat when I step over the WordPress threshold.

After so many years of working diligently to not be vulnerable, needy or a pain in somebody elses ass, I’d almost forgotten how brilliant it is to see a person write something stripped down and bare enough that it makes them look completely human.

I’m not exactly sure when vulnerability and truth fell so out of fashion in my mind but there are days when all this autonomous droning about impersonal subjects and flaunting my “independence” gets tedious.

To exert so much energy in opposition to what I really feel at times is exhausting. It’s a struggle that results in exactly what I don’t want.

More isolation.Less warmth.

Since I am slow to absorb the most basic changes in routine, I’ll need to marinate in this sea of change for a few hours before I can produce a worthwhile post on the terrible new development of vagrants shitting in my garage.

Seriously. It’s either a guy without access to indoor plumbing, an urban Yeti or a bear that’s escaped from the zoo.

23 Comments

Filed under a screw loose, adversity, am I doing anything right?, Back to basics, bad writing about nothing, buffoonery, crap shack, crazy ramblings, do this for me, do you really have the time to read about my life, don't destroy my dreams, don't take a crap in my garage please, excuses, foul language in preschool, getting it together, good smells bad smells, hidden grammar errors and bad writing, hole in my life, I can't spell, I can't end a story OR a blog post, I complain too much, I enjoy being inferior, i like to pretend, I need to get an original thought, I run fast, i said it was uncategorizable, I'm a hack, I'm a jerk!, I'm all over the map, make it more personal

We’re Making Plans For Nigel

 

At some point I’m going to get a phone call from various defunct 80’s bands demanding some sort of restitution for all the titles I’ve stolen after a morning listening to Sirius XM’s First Wave.

I like to use the drive back from drop off to think about what needs to be done during the day and to formulate a plan of attack for whatever bizarre circumstances or unforseen disasters will fall in my lap thanks to my smallest child.

You see, despite the best laid plans and extensive help from all the most expensive professionals he still has some issues that prevent him from being ready for prime time.

Like the Saturday Night Live players but with less parody and more physical pratfalls.

So here I am, the grown up, struggling to hack my way through the thick brush surrounding the path back to normality for this kid.

Never have I been so confounded by another human being.

I lie in wait for the ramifications of each decision I’ve made on his behalf  dreading the large casualty laden explosion that is clearly imminent. Nothing is clear-cut and never have the stakes been so high.

Imagine if laid before you are a deck of a thousand cards and you must pick five or six to determine the path that someone takes at various important crossroads in their life.

Now take a look at the possible outcomes.

Steven Hawking or the Unibomber.

Churchill or Mussolini.

Yes, perhaps I’m exaggerating his potential but his propensity for extremes is legendary and being in his service for these long five years has taken its toll on the staff here.

It would be accurate to say we live in fear.

Fear of the next step.

Fear that the wrong choice will cause everything to go up in flames (don’t laugh, it’s happened)

Usually I have these things set up far in advance of the actual decision-making event but I happen to be in the middle of a long period of wait and see fence-sitting that’s really starting to hurt my ass.

And so, as I perch here and think about making plans for Nigel I’m still frozen with doubt and remorse over things I’ve not even done yet.

29 Comments

Filed under adhd, am I doing anything right?, average is so much easier, bad parenting, behavior problems in kids, better skills, boys with serious attitude, can I have a normal day, crazy ramblings, delinquints, difficult child, difficult kids, discipline, failure, fight or flight response, foul language in preschool, four year old love, getting it together, here we go, I have 3, I have HOW many kids?, I'm not as effective in a bad situation as I thought I would be, I'm all over the map, il duce is five, It's embarassing when you suck at something, keep the expectations low okay?, kids, kids and parenting, kids that don't fit the mold, kids that like cursewords, kids with warped minds, kindergarten options

Starts With B, Rhymes With Witch

Float like a butterfly, sting like a bee.

What do you get when one and three go to war? Lot’s of flying fists, hurt feelings and exhausted referees.
 

Into every new year a little profanity must fall and who better to give it to you than Il Duce? The shock value of naughty words spilling forth from tiny lips never lessens, but  even I drew a sharp breath upon hearing his newly acquired profane utterance. 

If you want an extreme reaction, make sure to call me a bitch. 

If you want to make me cry watch my five-year old learn and use that word. 

Number one and number three are forces of nature that suck the air out of every room they enter creating a vacuum that few escape. Sandwiched between these two is my gentle sweet heart who has learned to weather the storm and keep his head down. 

Powerful personalities battle it out over Tokyo

Today I listened to all three call each other that word and waited for the piss poor parenting paddy wagon to pull up and cart me off. 

Good work mom. 

One too many viewings of the housewives of whatever county happen to be on and the word became legend over here where potty mouth is far too prevalent and three bars of lye soap are in demand now. 

Little assholes.

11 Comments

Filed under 1, am I doing anything right?, assholes, Bad cable shows, bad catholics, bad parenting, behavior problems in kids, buffoonery, crazy ramblings, discipline, kids and parenting, kids that like cursewords, parenting, parenting badly, please let him grow up to be normal

Hanging It Up

Things that amuse me in the spare time I don't really have. Boys room 5/10/2010

Today I’m annoyed at my blog.
So I’m packing up all my shit and hightailing it over to Culture Brats to soak up the pop culture cool.
Today they are Blane and I am Duckie.

Except, they don’t have a sidekick named Steff with a withering sneer and bedroom eyes. Thank you James Spader.

Most of all I love Culture Brats because they get me.

Here I am crying about missing the Police reunion tour again.

6 Comments

Filed under blogs better than mine, crazy ramblings, culture brats, go read my post at culture brats, reasons to hope

Things are Not as They Appear.

This Sunday I had myself a true Judas Iscariot moment.

I denied knowing my own children at the grocery store.

Then I stopped after reading that last line and asked myself  “Hey girl who spent her whole life chained to a pew in parochial school! WHO was it now that denied Jesus three times?” “Why YES you moron that would be Peter.”

Judas sounds so much more theatrical though, so I’m keeping it even thought it is not historically accurate.

While waiting patiently in the checkout line my two boys began to act a little squirrely.

They were redirected to the front of the store near the exits brought there by my beleaguered mother who was lacking her usual sharp tongue and was hanging there like a limp dishrag due to a debilitating migraine.

 This means that the boys were running in circles, screaming about having a girlfriend, punching each other, jumping off the bench my mother was passing out on, smashing the video machine with the dollar rentals and accosting the automatic lotto dispenser.

Two über uptight couples with pursed thin lips were starting to shake their heads in disbelief and exchanging disgusted looks with each other at the volume and sheer audacity of the two unruly boys and their comatose caretaker.

“So rude and disrespectful” noted one.

“Why isn’t she doing anything to control them?” asked the other.

Then Il Duce let loose with a rank profanity followed by a roaring hysterical cackle and I watched them gasp with horror.

They were truly disgusted.

“CAN YOU BELIEVE THAT?!” they croaked, looking at me.

I thought for a moment. There were thousands of ways I could go here but I opted for betrayal.

“I know!” I commiserated, as I lugged the rest of my fresh produce onto the belt.

I didn’t feel nearly as bad as I know I should have but it was just so much easier to cut and run regarding knowing this lot than to try to explain them to someone who wouldn’t care.

After scooping my mother up off the bench and driving her back home so she could suffer her mind exploding agony alone on her couch I spoke briefly to the boys about minding their behavior in public. But my pleas fell on deaf ears as they were both fast asleep in the back.

10 Comments

Filed under 1, adversity, am I doing anything right?, bad manners, bad parenting, being shallow and crass, boys with serious attitude, buffoonery, can I have a normal day, cowards, crazy ramblings, disasters, discipline, giving up, I complain too much, I don't know how to end a blog post, i don't like mondays, i love kids, I REALLY DO, I'm not as effective in a bad situation as I thought I would be, kids, kids and parenting, kids that like cursewords, random observations

Child With the Annoying Voice

It's true!

Everybody loves kids right?

 I mean they are sweet, innocent , endearing and wonderous.

Only a  terminal asshole would fail to see the beauty in every precious little moment and treasure it.

TREASURE IT I SAY!

Except…what is that sound?

The nasal caterwauling that sounds like a combination of someone shaking an injured hawk and declawing a cat?

 Is that even human?

Is that……….a child’s voice?

Okay, strike me down now but it was unbearable. I kept having to wrinkle my forehead (something my derm has told me in no uncertain terms NOT to do to remain youthful) and squint my eyes to ward it off.

 Why I wasn’t covering my ears instead remains a mystery but I found myself temporarily confused and upset at the sound with no proper ideas on how to make it stop.

After recovering from being completely askew I took a moment to marvel at what an oddity it was.

Sickly sweet with cold metallic elements that grated on your nerves like steel on a chalkboard.

I kept tossing furtive glances over at the roll of duct tape I keep handy for emergencies but thought about that lawsuit and subsequent human element piece that would appear on cnn.com later during the trial.

The tale of the  horrible woman who taped the mouth of a small child while others watched.

That is just not how I want to be remembered people.

4 Comments

Filed under 1, bad manners, bad moods, bad parenting, being shallow and crass, crazy ramblings, I complain too much, I don't know how to end a blog post, I have 3, I shouldn't be so cranky, I'll try to be nicer, kids, kids and parenting, kids voices, random observations

What Happened To You?

This is not me, but I feel like I understand where she is coming from.

Currently on the second day of marinating in my own filth, I have finally summoned the will to get out of the chair and head up to the shower. How does someone get to such a point? Actually, this is amateur hour compared to the down in the trenches battle hardened resolve I had when my kids were really small. I think I hold the world record for consecutive days without bathing. Two weeks, if I remember correctly. I knew when my  husbands eyes started to water every time he came close to me that I might be pushing the envelope. Those were the times when night blurred into day and you never had any idea what day of the week it was much less gave a crap about what you looked like. Survival, stolen minutes of sleep and the occasional glimpse of sunlight and gasp of fresh air. That’s all you needed to make it.

Now I have no excuse.  The stretched out terry cloth yoga pants that call to me daily from the dirty hamper to put them on instead  of the stiff ill-fitting jeans that go SO much better with the Old Navy sweater I just purchased are clearly trying to tell me something. At what point did warm comfort trump fashion sense, common decency and looking respectable in public?

This past week we spent countless hours watching marathon jags of TLC (the only network where the prerequisite for snagging your own show is the ability to use your uterus as a clown car) and every time I looked down I noticed that at least two of us were wrapped in a Snuggie. That’s right, we have three.  Laugh if you will (and I know you will) but we were really warm and happy.

That’s why things like the Snuggie are a very dangerous slippery slope for people like me. First you are all cozied up on your couch with your similarly attired family and then you find yourself unable to leave the comfort and warmth of your spot and you start sending for help to bring the Doritos bag and glass of iced tea.

It’s not as if I’ve totally thrown in the towel. There WAS that expensive trip to the salon a few weeks ago to vanquish grey roots and snip dead ends and I am planning to get myself a few post holiday sale items this week.

So my New Year’s promise to myself is to man up and start wearing clothes that qualify as “non-vagrant” wear.  I will make an effort to spare the public scorched retinas and scrunched noses by showering and using all those fancy products that sit in my bathroom. And finally I vow to never don the Snuggie before nine in the evening with the understanding that it is never to be worn outside the house. (Sorry mailman)

10 Comments

Filed under 1, bad tastes, being lazy, comfort trumps fashion, crazy ramblings, giving up, old people are always cold, snuggies rock