Category Archives: busy days

It’s Riddled With Insane People

There I am! Everyday me on the left and blogging me on the right with my miraculous dagger boobs.

Child: Where are you going?

Mother: I have reservations for NY on the 6th and 7th of August.

Child: Your whole family is in NY, why aren’t you staying with them?

Mother: Well, this is for some sort of conference.

Child: What kind?

Mother: Uhhh, something from the internet.

Child: You said the internet is filled with 70-year-old ex cons and child molesters trying to lure us to another state and kidnap us. What makes you think this conference doesn’t have those things?

Mother: Well, (long pause) I guess I can’t be sure that there AREN’T any convicts or murderers but I’m pretty sure I have tangible proof that at least a few of these bloggers are on the up and up.

Child: What do you mean, BLOGGERS?

Mother: Well, I guess I blog sometimes.

Child: What!!?? You have a secret life?

Mother: No, it’s not like I’ve got another family across the country that I’m hiding or anything..

Child: LIAR!

Mother: Whatever, I’m going and none of you are coming with me.

Child: That’s not fair. We are going to start a blog to protest your stupid blog and then we are going to your conference with picket signs.

Mother: Enough with the “it’s not fair” bullshit, adults don’t run off to New York and come home in a body bag, kids do.

Child:  Oh yeah? You’ll see. Grandma says that the internets are riddled with mouth breathers who “rent” their elderly mom’s basement apartment and hone their serial killing skills. Just like Buffalo Bill in Silence of the Lambs, but without the outfit made entirely of human skin.  You just want a weekend alone, you’re probably going to the spa.

Mother: Just because there may be a back rub and a trip into the sauna that does not mean it’s a spa. It’s a regular old hotel. Plus it’s time to stop listening to Grandma. She’s old and afraid of dying so everything looks to be a perilous journey that holds things that only your wildest imagination can convieve of.  Remember how she insisted there were a ring of fanny pack raiding professional thieves at Disney World who “STOLE HER CREDIT CARD!”?  Then she calmed down and found it in her left pants pocket?

Child: Do you write anything mean about us on that blog?

Mother: (under breath) You have no fucking idea. Cough, cough. No I only write nice things and observations about current events. I even have an alias so that no one from real life has ANY idea except Daddy! I’m like Barbara Gordon by day and Batgirl in the evenings when I type out all my frustrations and destroy crime.

Child: (crickets chirping)

Mother: It’s just for two days and I’ll be home. Consider it my birthday gift to myself.

Child: If some hobo doesn’t kill you and throw you in his card board box.

One week people.

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Filed under blog her, blogging, blogging for amateurs, blogging in obscurity, blogher, blogher 2010, busy days, madness, making up for lack of talent, me dumb you smart, mediocrity, reasons why I need a vacation, reasons why I'm not invited to the Kennedy compound, reasons why I'm not more popular, road trip

You’ve Got Another Thing Coming

Il Duce at the farm. See the weapon?

Yesterday I needed a momentary break from my service to the emperor. Doing his bidding all day every day can really wear on a person so after re-fixing his chocolate milk three times to get it just right and head off that epic screaming fit that we all could have suffered through, I sat down to catch up on some blog reading. I’ve got a list of fantastic mommy bloggers who I follow regularly because, well, I guess we have at least our reproductive abilities in common. God, it’s depressing though. After scrolling through all these upbeat, inventive tales of their funny and sweet children with the love they have for them coming across in every word they type I just got cranky. Especially one gal who posted an angelic pic of her smiling tot with goodness that just emanated from every pore in the child’s body.

Then I look at Il Duce. Every photo I have of him he’s either sneering, giving me the finger or brandishing a weapon. This filthy little animal has ruined nearly every family photo I’ve tried to take in the last two years. Not even his make-believe games come close to normal. Last night I heard him using his Diego plastic marsupials in a jungle adventure, except he kept calling them “sex monkeys” and putting them in jail for kissing. What the fuck does that mean? Don’t even start pointing the finger at me, because the phrase “sex monkeys” has never passed my lips. Even my ten-year old was scandalized.
We got his weirdly inconclusive test results back from the world-renowned three thousand dollars a pop Neuro/Psycho/Edu testing dude and he’s all like “what a funny kid! He’s super smart but not so good at being told what to do huh?” Yes, super expensive rip off artist, I could have pooled the collective resources of every  idiot who’s ever come in contact with him and come up with a more comprehensive plan of action than scratching my head and suggesting meds if he doesn’t calm down in a few years. Better yet, I’m gonna steal those meds and help myself to a big heap of mother’s little helper during the afternoons when it’s too crazy to deal with here. Okay?
Uggg. So anyway, I’m off to chauffeur Palpatine to his next engagement that takes place right after his school day ends. Let’s hope he’s not suffering from his usual fit of distemper and all goes smoothly. But realistically, probably not.

He got along REALLY well with the goats. Must be the horns.

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Filed under 1, bad parenting, boys with serious attitude, busy days, difficult child, difficult kids, discipline, education, foul language in preschool, kids, kids and parenting, kids that like cursewords, kids with potty mouth, kindergarten options, mothers, my kid the scapegoat, odd behavior, parenting, things to do today, things we shouldn't be thrilled by

They Call Me the Seeker

Thank you Pete T. My mission today was to knock out as much holiday shopping as I could manage while keeping the gifts interesting, thoughtful and proper for their intended recipients. This is why I found my self at no less than five stores in a span of two hours. I wanted to shake it up a little this year and I managed to keep the assorment of purchases eclectic and inexpensive but there were a few ends I needed to wrap up so I headed to Barnes and Noble. There I found great books on sale for the kids and for a few grownups as well. My final act before checking out was to find a helpful sales associate at the information kiosk to hold my hand and direct me to the shelf containing The Dangerous Book for Boys and the Dangerous Book for Girls. It took him a microsecond to navigate me through the stacks and locate both. He waxed poetic for a few minutes about what a great gift these books were and wanted to know if there was anything else he could help me find . “Well” I thought for a minute, “unless you have the dangerous book for babies, I think I’m all set.”
Uncomfortable silence.
“That’s not even funny.” was his reply.

I hate it when my jokes fail in this spectacular fashion. It also makes me think that someone needs to quickly get to work on that wildly inappropriate volume of dangerous activities for tots. Babies + heavy machinery = hilarity. Or not.

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Filed under 1, Barnes & Noble, books, busy days, christmas shopping, jokes that offend people, kids, things to do today

I’m Busy Today So Here You Go…..

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