Category Archives: behavior problems in kids

We’re Making Plans For Nigel

 

At some point I’m going to get a phone call from various defunct 80’s bands demanding some sort of restitution for all the titles I’ve stolen after a morning listening to Sirius XM’s First Wave.

I like to use the drive back from drop off to think about what needs to be done during the day and to formulate a plan of attack for whatever bizarre circumstances or unforseen disasters will fall in my lap thanks to my smallest child.

You see, despite the best laid plans and extensive help from all the most expensive professionals he still has some issues that prevent him from being ready for prime time.

Like the Saturday Night Live players but with less parody and more physical pratfalls.

So here I am, the grown up, struggling to hack my way through the thick brush surrounding the path back to normality for this kid.

Never have I been so confounded by another human being.

I lie in wait for the ramifications of each decision I’ve made on his behalf  dreading the large casualty laden explosion that is clearly imminent. Nothing is clear-cut and never have the stakes been so high.

Imagine if laid before you are a deck of a thousand cards and you must pick five or six to determine the path that someone takes at various important crossroads in their life.

Now take a look at the possible outcomes.

Steven Hawking or the Unibomber.

Churchill or Mussolini.

Yes, perhaps I’m exaggerating his potential but his propensity for extremes is legendary and being in his service for these long five years has taken its toll on the staff here.

It would be accurate to say we live in fear.

Fear of the next step.

Fear that the wrong choice will cause everything to go up in flames (don’t laugh, it’s happened)

Usually I have these things set up far in advance of the actual decision-making event but I happen to be in the middle of a long period of wait and see fence-sitting that’s really starting to hurt my ass.

And so, as I perch here and think about making plans for Nigel I’m still frozen with doubt and remorse over things I’ve not even done yet.

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Filed under adhd, am I doing anything right?, average is so much easier, bad parenting, behavior problems in kids, better skills, boys with serious attitude, can I have a normal day, crazy ramblings, delinquints, difficult child, difficult kids, discipline, failure, fight or flight response, foul language in preschool, four year old love, getting it together, here we go, I have 3, I have HOW many kids?, I'm not as effective in a bad situation as I thought I would be, I'm all over the map, il duce is five, It's embarassing when you suck at something, keep the expectations low okay?, kids, kids and parenting, kids that don't fit the mold, kids that like cursewords, kids with warped minds, kindergarten options

Starts With B, Rhymes With Witch

Float like a butterfly, sting like a bee.

What do you get when one and three go to war? Lot’s of flying fists, hurt feelings and exhausted referees.
 

Into every new year a little profanity must fall and who better to give it to you than Il Duce? The shock value of naughty words spilling forth from tiny lips never lessens, but  even I drew a sharp breath upon hearing his newly acquired profane utterance. 

If you want an extreme reaction, make sure to call me a bitch. 

If you want to make me cry watch my five-year old learn and use that word. 

Number one and number three are forces of nature that suck the air out of every room they enter creating a vacuum that few escape. Sandwiched between these two is my gentle sweet heart who has learned to weather the storm and keep his head down. 

Powerful personalities battle it out over Tokyo

Today I listened to all three call each other that word and waited for the piss poor parenting paddy wagon to pull up and cart me off. 

Good work mom. 

One too many viewings of the housewives of whatever county happen to be on and the word became legend over here where potty mouth is far too prevalent and three bars of lye soap are in demand now. 

Little assholes.

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Filed under 1, am I doing anything right?, assholes, Bad cable shows, bad catholics, bad parenting, behavior problems in kids, buffoonery, crazy ramblings, discipline, kids and parenting, kids that like cursewords, parenting, parenting badly, please let him grow up to be normal

Facebook Used In Devious Revenge Plot

Yesterday  was a  long eventful, action packed extravaganza that started at 5 am, included school trips to the Air and Space museum with a bunch of 3rd graders, various shuttling between friends homes and a late supper.

Apparently at some point I angered and annoyed my children enough that they would attempt to socially destroy me for fun.

In retaliation for all this schlepping around someone quietly took  my Iphone logged  into my Facebook account and left obscene ramblings for some of my friends that ended up on the news feed for everyone to see.

They included explanations of why I was a bitch, told everyone that I had been quietly having plastic surgery (to which I’m sure all my pals said “I knew it!”) and referred to me as a whore and a gobshite and other assorted foul things. The dead giveaway that this was not me was the misspelling of various curse words.

Anyone who knows me knows I would never get an expletive wrong.

And I’m sorry, a whore? (or as they spelled it; hore) I haven’t officially qualified for whore status since the last time the occupants of a tour bus threw me out onto a curb! The NERVE!

I had to vault over a concrete wall with the kind of speed and agility reserved for criminals escaping and Steve Prefontaine during a track meet and commandeer the computer of one of my dear friends to remove the smut from the Facebook universe. 

Sadly it was basically too late. The news feed had already fed into several friends blackberries and apparently it stays there frozen solid in permanence even though it’s been wiped from the main page.

So, thanks kids!

Next time you decide to hatch a revenge plot, make sure you don’t choose friends of mine who are even more foul-mouthed and tempered than I am. More importantly, I now know of the bottomless depths of your subterfuge and will be waiting suspiciously around every corner until you leave for college.

Even better, I’m going to throw out all those parenting books I’ve read and wreck a little havoc of my own. How does that sound? 

 Not so funny anymore is it?

 When you upset your primary caregiver you have just bitten the hand that feeds, clothes, chauffeurs, hugs and kisses you.

Not giggling so much now, huh?

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Filed under behavior problems in kids, facebook, how to use facebook to ruin your mother, revenge, things that deserve jail time, why my kids can't be trusted