Hey, remember me?
Super freewheeling summertime girl with the wind in her hair, not a care in the world and the family that looked like it jumped off the J. Crew end of summer catalog?
Yeah, well she shriveled up into a ball and fucking vaporized in a puff of smoke this evening while trying to exert what little parental authority she was still clinging to during a mortifying incident at the jam-packed Friendship Heights Chipotle.
The scene opens with a sun-kissed, seemingly relaxed mother and her cute tanned energetic child engaging in playful banter and games to bide the time at the end of a very long slow-moving line.
Area power outages have taken out the restaurant computer system and they seem to be processing transactions on some sort of Fred Flintstone rock and chisel credit card contraption.
Mother: Sam, get off the ledge, you might fall.
Sam: This line is long and I’m going to cut it. Let’s walk up there and just give the stupid order. This is terrible AND boring.
Mother: I know, but all these people are waiting just like us so that’s not fair.
Sam: Life is not fair. You say that to your kids all the time so I’m saying it to you now. (sing songy voice) Gonna drive my steamroller over all these stupid people and make them flat, then I’m gonna walk right over them and get my rice, la, la, la…
Mother: Sam! That’s not nice. Stop.
Sam: (under breath) It’s what we really need to do. Make pancake people and less line.
Fifteen more agonizing minutes pass with the levels of buffoonery increasing exponentially.
Mother: (sensing danger) Sam, you want me to pick you up?
Sam: (smiling) sure!
Sam: Hey, I can see your boobs from up here!
Mother: Okay, it’s time for me to put you down now.
Sam: (now rolling on the concrete floor and swatting at the bottom of his mothers sundress) Hey! I can see your vagina if I lift up your dress right? Gavan taught me that girls penises are called vaginas! You have a vagina (then looking around and pointing to the surrounding women) and you have one, and you too. All ladies do!
Mother smashes her hand over Sam’s mouth
Sam: HEY! mrphh, machina, shtop, I CNTBREAFFFF!!!!!!!!
Mother: Shut it or you will NOT get a Mr. Pibb you fucking deviant animal, hiss.
Mother: (to employee) yea, I’d like three chicken…
Mother: Burritos and one..
Sam: Lady vaginas! We want lady vagina on our burritos.
Mother: (covering Sam’s mouth with the iron force of a thousand livid parents) Just give me four burritos!
Employee:(quizzical look, cartoon question mark over head) burritos?
Mother: YES! Four of them, please hurry for the love of Christ!
Sam: (tearing at his mother’s fingers) pah chinas!!!!!
Mother: throwing cash at the checkout girl) QUICKLY! These four and a small Dr. Pibb.
Sam: Mr. Pibb doesn’t have a vagina cause he’s a boy and he’s got a penis. Mom, don’t you wish you could pee standing up?
Defeated, she leaves the Chipotle with her head hanging in shame and her small son singing a remarkably catchy song about penises and why they are much more fun than vaginas.
Fade to black, end scene.