Category Archives: Adventure

The Horrifying Incident Involving the Boy, His Mouth, a 44 Minute Wait on Line, The Word Vagina and Fifty Scandalized, Hungry Patrons

Hey, remember me?

Super freewheeling summertime girl with the wind in her hair, not a care in the world and the family that looked like it jumped off the J. Crew end of summer catalog?

 Yeah, well she shriveled up into a ball and fucking vaporized in a puff of smoke this evening while trying to exert what little parental authority she was still clinging to during a mortifying incident at the jam-packed Friendship Heights Chipotle.

The scene opens with a sun-kissed, seemingly relaxed mother and her cute tanned energetic child engaging in playful banter  and games to bide the time at the end of a very long slow-moving line.

Area power outages have taken out the restaurant computer system and they seem to be processing transactions on some sort of Fred Flintstone rock and chisel credit card contraption.

Mother: Sam, get off the ledge, you might fall.

Sam: This line is long and I’m going to cut it. Let’s walk up there and just give the stupid order. This is terrible AND boring.

Mother: I know, but all these people are waiting just like us so that’s not fair.

Sam: Life is not fair. You say that to your kids all the time so I’m saying it to you now. (sing songy voice) Gonna drive my steamroller over all these stupid people and make them flat, then I’m gonna walk right over them and get my rice, la, la, la…

Mother: Sam! That’s not nice. Stop.

Sam: (under breath) It’s what we really need to do. Make pancake people and less line.

Fifteen more agonizing minutes pass with the levels of buffoonery increasing exponentially.

Mother: (sensing danger) Sam, you want me to pick you up?

Sam: (smiling) sure!

Sam: Hey, I can see your boobs from up here!

Mother: Okay, it’s time for me to put you down now.

Sam: (now rolling on the concrete floor and swatting at the bottom of his mothers sundress) Hey! I can see your vagina if I lift up your dress right?  Gavan taught me that girls penises are called vaginas! You have a vagina (then looking around and pointing to the surrounding women) and you have one, and you too. All ladies do!

Mother smashes her hand over Sam’s mouth

Sam: HEY! mrphh, machina, shtop, I CNTBREAFFFF!!!!!!!!

Mother: Shut it or you will NOT get a Mr. Pibb you fucking deviant animal, hiss.

Mother: (to employee) yea, I’d like three chicken…

Sam: VAGINAS!!!!

Mother: Burritos and one..

Sam: Lady vaginas! We want lady vagina on our burritos.

Mother: (covering Sam’s mouth with the iron force of a thousand livid parents) Just give me four burritos!

Employee:(quizzical look, cartoon question mark over head) burritos?

Mother: YES! Four of them, please hurry for the love of Christ!

Sam: (tearing at his mother’s fingers) pah chinas!!!!!

Mother: throwing cash at the checkout girl) QUICKLY! These four and a small Dr. Pibb.

Sam: Mr. Pibb doesn’t have a vagina cause he’s a boy and he’s got a penis. Mom, don’t you wish you could pee standing up?

Mother: no.

Defeated, she leaves the Chipotle with her head hanging in shame and her small son singing a remarkably catchy song about penises and why they are much more fun than vaginas.

Fade to black, end scene.

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Filed under Adventure, adversity, am I doing anything right?, bad parenting, buffoonery, can I have a normal day, delinquints, difficult kids, disasters

In Today’s News

So.

Remember that whole post below where I ranted and raved like an unhinged lunatic about how worthless sea monkeys were?

Yeah.

Well, I need to print a retraction because……they’re ALIVE.

I didn't do this much work on the sea monkeys

This morning, tiny sea monkeys were swimming all around the tank.

Are they impressive?

No.

Do they have crowns, spears, smiling faces?

No

But they are alive.

Cue gentle music..

Perhaps in the end, the sea monkeys had a lesson to teach me. That lesson, I think, was something about patience.

But I’m not really sure. Whatever.

In other news, my mother’s entire existence as a fear mongering worry wart that spreads dreadful statistics and nightmarish news clippings was validated this weekend when her own grandson fell victim to the “untied shoe lace caught in the escalator” case scenario.

She has been waiting for this since they installed escalators in the Nanuet Mall in the 70’s.

Shoe laces and shredded legs.

She would make us stop, tie our shoe laces make sure we jumped clear of the jaws of metal death at the bottom where you could apparently have your entire leg shredded by this receptacle of doom.

If you were dumb enough to bend down to try to free your leg that was being torn off  by the metal teeth would surely have your long hair ensnared in no time.

Then it would crush your head and eat your brain.

What a shredded hamburger like mess.

When they came to take you away and slopped all your bits and parts that remained onto the stretcher they would commiserate with your mother.

“NEVER get on an escalator with an untied shoe.”

“I TOLD her a THOUSAND TIMES!”

For the record, my son (her grandson) gave a tug and his shoelace came right out.
According to my mother, he barely survived.

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Filed under Adventure, afternoon time wasters, fear, house of fun, near death experience, shoelace in escalator, your mother is always right

Be Prepared and Be Scared

My Girl Scouts are hardcore. I have been a Brownie/Girl Scout leader for over four years now and there is a new found appreciation in this house for all things green. These chicks have gathered their own firewood, cooked their own meals, caught their own fish, removed numerous bloodsucking ticks from their bodies, paddled kayaks and canoes, fearlessly chased what appeared at first to be bigfoot (but turned out to be a massive long haired dingo type wild beast) into dark woods, brushed their teeth with bark and relieved themselves in a hand dug trench just outside the encampment. I salute you Girl Scouts of America.

Don't cross us.

Don't cross us.

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Filed under Adventure, appreciation, girl scouts, respect, tough cookies

Conundrum- Eat Lunch, Fold Laundry, or Do Battle With a Giant Spider?

Today I feel torn. Not only do I have to prepare for one of three Girl Scout meetings, this month, but I have to mentally brace my self to destroy Mt. Everest and Kilimanjaro (my nicknames for the clean and dirty laundry piles), find something to eat AND destroy the mutant arachnid that has taken up residency on my back porch. Because I can’t decide which to do first, I am choosing not to act on any of these options and have started typing on my computer instead. Since I arrested ,emotional development wise, at around fourteen years of age, I would be hard pressed to destroy the spider alone with out all sorts of screaming and theatrics going down, so that should wait until my husband returns. Lunch is looking less and less likely the longer I keep sitting at my makeshift desk and I’ve just decided that laundry can wait until tomorrow. Looks like the Girl Scout motto “be prepared!” has won. I’m off to find a worthwhile task for the girls.
You just wait spider, your time will come.

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Filed under Adventure, being lazy, being prepared, girl scouts, laundry, spiders, things to do today

True Adventure

What is it that every adventure seeker wants? I’ve been on my fair share of low intensity trips (hot air ballooning, rock climbing, hiking, kayaking, camping, etc.) but I am clearly missing some “edge” to my lifestyle. My lackluster performance in this area thus far has been made even more disappointing by the accidental discovery of an old friend on facebook. After straining my eyes to get a better look at her profile picture it became apparent to me that it was a snapshot of her sitting in the cargo hold of a plane with a parachute strapped to her back. Impressed, I commented immediately that she radiated the spirit of true adventure and I wasn’t lying. Defying danger made her face glow and she wrote me back quickly using phrases like “I love people who just go for it!” “throwing caution to the wind” and “living life to the fullest”. I watched her trade encouraging words with other like-minded fearless comrades who were also engaging in some sort of extreme sport and I suddenly became appalled at my failure to grab life by the reigns as this woman clearly had. There is a lot to be said for conquering fear and jumping into action. Weary from being the perpetual spectator, I longed to leap off the bench and join her. Not blindly stepping out of a plane thousands of feet in the air, mind you, but in some less threatening pursuit like getting a black belt or escaping killer bees. Skydiving, wrestling alligators, flying helicopters, she had seemingly been doing it all and the further I read about her accomplishments the more I felt like a weird life vampire feeding off her vitality and exuberance. My insipid stabs at high flying adventure had come no where near the level of her exploits, I was really impressed by her.
I finally calmed down enough to ask about her two great kids and husband who are also greatly missed in our neighborhood and I was glad to hear they were all loving life in the Southwest. Perhaps someday I can catch a bit of that mercenary spirit and embark on a few high risk journeys of my own but for now I am content to keep my feet on the ground.

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Filed under Adventure, extreme sports, facebook findings, old friends