The Bathing Suit Mesh Disaster of Norwalk Connecticut

The grace period has ended.

I was told by my youngest that “we may not speak of *it*,  but before the pure visceral power of the moment escapes me forever ,I feel I must document what happened on a warm September afternoon  during a late summer pool party in a picturesque, leafy New England town…….

Try to picture the scene.

I am on my knees in the  luxurious guest bedroom of the Norwalk Connecticut home of one of my best friends with kitchen scissors, a tube of vaseline and my partially nude seven-year old son.

You see, over the course of a long day of jumping with great vigor into and out of her pool he’d had a most unfortunate situation occur where the delicate skin on the underside of his “private area” had been pulled through a tiny mesh hole in his swim trunks and ballooned out the other side.  Much like what would happen if you took a partially deflated balloon, wrapped a rubber band tightly around an area three-fourths of the way towards the end and then inflated that part.  Except, of course, it’s someones penis and it’s slowly being strangled by a malevolent patch of fabric which seemingly defies all laws of reality. Like a Chinese finger trap, the more you pull, the worse off you are.

Seriously,  now let’s return to the action..

After numerous attempts at just “pulling it off  fast” like a band-aid, the imagery was becoming increasingly gruesome as each try elicited ear shattering guttural screams and the area was beginning to look raw. In an effort to do something to seem in the smallest bit productive, I  used my kitchen scissors with surgical precision to cut his entire bathing suit off his body, leaving only a small modest patch of mesh to cover the “problem area”. Telling him that our most promising idea and best chance for penile freedom, was for him to utilize that tube of vaseline gave him hope and was the only thing providing brief respite from the impassioned wailing that punctuated his conversation every few seconds. I’d be just about to cut the mesh square a little smaller when I’d be jolted by his yelping and begging “PLEASE DON’T CUT OFF MY NUTS”.

I violently cursed the person who had invented mesh and silently put a pox on the group who voted to install it inside swim trunks.  Here I was, with a working area covered in shredded shorts, gauze, sharp objects and a screeching child. Like the interior of a medieval pediatric hospital but surrounded by party going New Englanders gaily frolicking poolside with  drinks and finger sandwiches .

Needless to say,  an hour of failed ideas later and after having slid into the desperation zone, we were able to wrangle what remained of his privates away from the strangulation clutches of a fabric I will never again underestimate. Several long drawn out monologues about how he’d never have kids and perhaps live on a eunuch farm later  – it was over.

We emerged from the bedroom to thunderous applause, and I dutifully disposed of the white mesh devil that had dragged us into the third circle for what seemed like an eternity.

Years from now, Il Duce will look back on this episode without fondness and remember how close he came to being childless and I of course will be apologizing for making it public record.

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24 Comments

Filed under don't get your penis cut off, how not to behave at a pool party, how the hell did this happen, I do amateur surgery, mesh, swimming, your kids will thank me

24 responses to “The Bathing Suit Mesh Disaster of Norwalk Connecticut

  1. Tom G.

    I am cutting the mesh liners out of all of our swimsuits when I get home.

    • dufmanno

      My god, I can’t believe anyone is even HERE anymore! I just wrote this sad, cautionary tale to get it out of my head:) So much happened over the summer months and during the beginning of the school year that I’ve only done drive by’s myself.

    • Wise move! My kids have the mesh part. sometimes they’d even wear underwear underneath the swimming trunks.

      • dufmanno

        I found you. You were in the spam bin. We were just looking at beach pictures yesterday when he pulled me aside and said ” just regular shorts from now on, right?” The underwear idea might be the solution- thank you. And I’m a terrible parent so I’d say anyone over 11 can see There’s Something About Mary. There is a great cautionary tale in there for anyone who has ever done battle with a zipper.

    • Hate. I meant they hate the mesh part.

  2. You should give a warning as I read this as I was putting food into my mouth and my phone got the bad end of it.

    I kept in thinking there’s something about Mary. At what age could we show them this movie?

  3. Yeah, we’re here. Could you please pay the cable bill? I’m tired of figuring out the neighbors’ wi-fi password.

    That said, holy crap, that was the most terrifying thing I’ve read in years.

    • dufmanno

      fear the mesh. Also? I paid the bill and restocked the cabinets. I’ve got to stay for awhile to reveal the story of the Subway Sandwich Svengali and my imdb alter ego.

  4. Hotel Limbo

    awesome story, this written version comes close to beating the verbal re-telling

  5. dbs

    Mesh is indeed, the devil. (Hilarious classic family moment.)

  6. Just more proof that any story that starts out with “I was on my knees,” is going to be interesting.

  7. Me

    This is hilarious! He will kill you when he can find this and read it. Beats a naked baby picture by a mile.

  8. Sigh. I don’t understand why WP keeps on eating my comments… When is it appropriate to show our kids the movie “There is Something about Mary”?

    • dufmanno

      I had to go fish you out of the spam bin. I’m not sure why WordPress is so wonky these days- it won’t even let Ry leave a comment much less eat it. Terrible!

  9. Sukibecks

    What you didn’t mention was how the mesh square REFUSED to stay thrown out. It kept showing back up. Then we just placed it on a neon green post it note and kept it until it was done with us. It was haunting.

  10. virginia hinojosa

    I had the same experience with my nefew. i tries contacting Kmart to make htem aware of the situation, and they are blaming the pool.

  11. Emily

    This just happened to us today….. Horrifying!

    I don’t know why this isn’t a true safety hazard

  12. Cara

    So THAT’S why my son’s swim trunks no longer have mesh in the front….

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