Ready Or Not, Here It Comes

It is only by the grace of god and some sort of divine intervention that I write this today without a metal rod protruding from my forehead.

Fourteen kids, two homes without parental supervision and a set of metal lawn darts was all it took for us to dream up a game so terrifying and properly menacing that it would haunt all the participants until the moment they died.

To this DAY, if I hear something coming at me from above my first instinct is to serpentine wildly to avoid being impaled.

People sometimes wonder why colorfully adorned heavy metal projectiles – that were thrown into the air and came down with alarming regularity right into the soft flesh of small children – were ever invented.

Kids will LOVE these! Next let’s release a frisbee covered in razor blades.

I figure it’s the same group who put real chemistry sets and exploding cans of snakes on the market, but that’s a whole other story right there.

Apparently, one day when we were sitting around in our youthful ignorance, the devil decided to come down and make use of idle hands by whispering the location of lawn darts into our ears,  and pointing out to us a place where there was no parental supervision and a six-foot high fence.

“There” coaxed Satan, ” you delightful little rogues must stand on one side of the fence while a ‘chosen one’ (read-the smart one) tosses a lawn dart high into the sky and over the wall, while the others scatter wildly trying to avoid being speared to the ground and sent to the hospital or dying on the spot!’ Now GO!”

With that parting shot, Satan scurried away on his hoofed feet dragging the unfortunate souls who had a contract expire that week, but not before turning to remind us that we should, “make sure to call out when the dart is coming to give them chance, it’s only fair”.

You act like it was UNREASONABLY dangerous. That just wasn’t the case. Lawn darts are VERY popular and those kids were BORED!

At that point he disappeared in a fiery blast of sulphuric acid and yellow smoke, back to his raging inferno in the third circle.

Left to our own devices, our ‘chosen one’ tossed the first projectile of death from the anonymity of his perch behind the fence and high into  the air, announcing in a shrill scream “READY OR NOT, HERE IT COMES!”

Tiny bodies flew everywhere trying furiously to avoid the shiny metal point, our adrenaline pumping so high that we were like scattershot marbles dropped on a smooth surface –  going everywhere fast.

Dart after dart –  red, blue, yellow, red, blue,yellow.

They hit the ground with a loud sickening thud as the business end sunk easily into the cold ground.

I kept imagining both my arms nailed to the ground by two lucky shots and me being unable to get up and run from the kill throw that would be aimed straight for my small skull.

I’m not sure why it took me two rounds of terror roulette before I stepped away to see what the other kids were having for lunch, or maybe it was the sound of the ice cream man coming around the bend. Whatever it was that tore me away, I now consider it an act of divine intervention.

Somewhere, deep in the recesses of the scorched earth netherworld, I’m sure there were a few guys with pitchforks and horns  having a real laugh at my expense.

I think I smell sulphur.



Filed under and NO ONE got killed, blast from the past, danger, divine intervention, games we play, idle hands devils playground, kids, lawn darts, safety, satan

5 responses to “Ready Or Not, Here It Comes

  1. Tom G.

    What an awesome game! That’s almost as good as the one where you tried to knock each other out. Sadly my parents confiscated the lawn darts at an early age, so we had to resort to other implements of destruction to fill our summer afternoons. Pretending to be Evel Knevil on a Huffy jumping a row of small children laying in front of the ramp pretending to be buses, was always a favorite. As was Demolition Derby on Big Wheels and Metal Wagons, and war games with horse chesnuts as ammo. Being a kid in the 70’s was like Thunderdome, but without the Tina Turner soundtrack.

    • dufmanno

      Wait until I can rub enough brain cells together to recount the “worlds most dangerous obstacle course at Aunt Marions house”. We jumped off a second story porch onto matresses for the finale.

  2. omg hilarious! you’re so right, lawn darts are the tools of the devil. so are those 20 lb. rusty old horseshoes. they should adapt a horror film based on this story.

    • dufmanno

      I would like Evan Rachel Wood to portray me in my glory days. Satan could be played by Philip Seymour Hoffman or Gary Oldman. Tom Hardy might be able to summon enough menace but I’m afraid to douse his natural exuberance.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s