The US Census Bureau Is Badgering and Abusing Me

The concentrated campaign of relentless terror began about a month ago when they started dropping fat, oddly sized envelopes into my mailbox with requests for endless information that I didn’t feel like divulging.

Then came the veiled threats like, “Did you know that deliberately ignoring us is a federal offense?”

Now it’s the phone calls that sound like they come from a seasoned mob enforcer, “Hey Duffy family! You know you really need to call us back!”


It’s like they already know every single nugget about me, but they’re toying with me just to make a very serious point.

Yeah, we know when you last wiped your ass, but we really need that in writing.

Few things in this world are scarier than an enraged government so I did what any idiot in this situation would do.

I called my mom.

” What is WRONG with you? How long do you think you can get away with ripping up jury duty notices and pretending the census bureau doesn’t exist? Why do you think you are exempt? Who do you think you are? GOD?”

I thought about that for a nanosecond before I said “Is God irresponsible, lazy and does he have no sense of civic duty?”

“you are going to jail”

Since I seemingly have no sense of duty to fulfill this obligation I tried to dig deep to find some hidden internal force that would compel me to take action so that the census takers would be able to better understand how and where I live. In the end it took five phone calls a day to make me dig the questionnaire out of the rubbish pile and I can honestly say it’s the most confusing thing I’ve ever seen.

 I’ll just get out my orange jumpsuit now.



Filed under fill out this form or die, government is angry, I'm scared, the census bureau is crafty, we already know but we want you to write it down

23 responses to “The US Census Bureau Is Badgering and Abusing Me

  1. keepingyouawake

    I ignored mine, and they stopped. In fact, it said something in there about how someone would come to my house, but at the old house I figured my odds were good that they wouldn’t bother. Scary farm houses are like insurance to keep visitors away.

  2. dufmanno

    While I wish I were as isolated as the cabin in the woods from The Evil Dead, I am not. I’m here in plain sight waiting for the guys in dark suits and the “I KILL YOU” badges to arrive. boo.

  3. Tom G.

    Hmm… does the form have a place to enter ‘resident urban yeti’s’?

    • Dufmanno

      It actually does. Under the “how is this person related to you” section their is a box for “roomer or boarder” and “other non- relative” I’ll make sure he’s counted!!!

      • Dufmanno

        Um, THERE not THEIR.

      • Tom G.

        Then please be certain to officially register the urban yeti. Since they are an endangered species, I believe this will classify your home as a Urban Yeti Refuge, and make you eligible to receive federal funding.

  4. I picture Agent Smith, coming to get you, better put on your shades and get bendy so you can avoid their bullets….

    We had a census here, and everyone in the house lied about our relationships to each other, I was the landlady’s same sex lover ha ha ha
    (I don’t live there now, but if I am ever famous and they dig for info and find that census, people will think I’m gay…that’s okay, it worked for Bowie….)

  5. In searching my family tree, I discovered that nobody in my family was in the 1930 census. I thought maybe the government had overlooked them, but after reading this blog and the comments, I now know they were probably all having a big yuck yuck back in the day about that.

    • dufmanno

      The census team is very serious about getting this right. They REALLY want me to do this. Sadly, the questionnaire is really hard.

  6. Nooo.. go to jury duty, and bolo from there all the wakes you find!!

    • dufmanno

      I cannot imagine what would be needed to even do something like this. The idea of me sitting patiently in some official looking building downtown is actually comical to me.

  7. cgd

    So did you fill it out and mail it back?

  8. Bill B

    Do you know that if you give wrong or misleading information the fine is five times higher? And I’ll bet you thought college exams were bad.Here, the US Gestapo just fine you for every wrong answer.

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