Local Vagrant Craps In Upstanding Citizens Garage. No One Cares.

Frankly, I thought this would cause some sort of citywide outrage but I’m disappointed in the lack of interest on the part of the local police and the several private detectives I’ve contacted to crack the case.
I mean, who knows what kind of terrible act of depravity this criminal will astound us with next! If he can crap in my garage what’s to keep him from pissing in your garden next week and using your Pomeranian to exfoliate when he takes a hose shower in the alley?
It’s a slippery slope people and crime doesn’t disappear all by itself.
Count me out though. No way I’m sitting in that freezing hell hole to lie in wait for some demented lunatic to have an urgent bowel movement.

Time moves on. It becomes less of an issue. I become adept at parking on the left side of the poop because no one can summon the courage to pick up someone elses feces and it’s much easier to exit the car without visual contact and be able to walk away with no guilt feelings. Because, honestly wouldn’t you rather just pretend it’s not there and let it disintegrate and blow away like nature intended?

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16 Comments

Filed under cracking ancient mysteries, creepy garage crapper, I can ignore terrible things, poop, things that affect only me, this may never be solved, vagrants

16 responses to “Local Vagrant Craps In Upstanding Citizens Garage. No One Cares.

  1. I’m still leaning towards the urban Yeti explanation. I don’t know why a furry cryptid would be any less heinous than a vagrant with gastrointestinal issues, but it is.

    • dufmanno

      I’m just sad that I don’t have the energy or time to crack a case this big. Where is my Nancy Drew hat when I need it?

  2. dbs

    “I become adept at parking on the left side of the poop.” Now there’s a sentence I have never read in all my life.
    My bucket list thanks you for the laugh.

    • dufmanno

      You may be saying this to yourself as soon as a large population of geese walk by or your garage is overthrown by mystery beasts. Either that or your bathroom is on the left side of your parking spot.

  3. I have some extra wipes in my bag…does that help any?

  4. I tend to agree with Tom about the Yeti…and well, in England, if you step in dog shit, it’s good luck, but I don’t know about Yeti poo…probably not lucky just extremely yucky.
    (That rhymed!, I’m like Shakespeare over here…)

    • dufmanno

      Sometimes I need a dose of England to get me to buck up and see the light. I’m going out to stomp on the load right now. I’d actually heard that bit about the stepping in crap being good luck. Then it was all shot to hell when I read Roddy Doyle’s The Gigglers.

  5. You’ve got to get the pros in on a case like this. I recommend Interpol.

  6. Isn’t there some sort of Capitol Hill warrior that you can persuade to help you out here? One would think the neighborhood is just teeming with wanna-be super heroes… I was going to offer wipes, but I see that Elly is all over that offer.

    • dufmanno

      The Capitol Hill warrior is broke down and spent from all this inside the beltway nonsense. He’s mostly a political animal anyway.

  7. And I thought the alternate side of the street parking when I lived in San Francisco was a bitch…

    • dufmanno

      I’ve never been to San Francisco but I always imagine it as a gleaming, pristine mecca with a blinding red bridge as it’s gateway. The kind of place where no one would poo outside on the street or in a refurbished garage.

  8. Emily

    Cheeze, where’s your yankee ingenuity. Run over the mess about 20 times with your car tires and it will be gone! Spread over the many roads and highways paid for with your tax dollars.

    • Dufmanno

      I cannot believe that this has happened but my brave warrior of a husband has removed all traces of this foul mysterious bowel movement.
      Bravo!

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