Super Smart, Tastes Good

All filler, no substance.

Sometimes I think humans enjoy trying to outdo each other intellectually in public to prove how far we’ve evolved from that dim witted creature who crawled out of primordial ooze.  If we cut each other down in private where no one can see how awesome we are, what’s the point really?

Only a few thousand years ago we were clubbing each other over the head and boldly taking wives, livestock and tribe domination without brandishing statistics and quoting from The National Review, The Atlantic or the New Yorker.

We killed things with our bare hands or crudely constructed tools, not with our rapier sharp wit and put down skills.

Basically we kicked ass.

Recently, I watched two supposed intellectuals snarling at each other with those smug self satisfied smirks they get when they use overly convoluted sentences and barely concealed naked  aggression, hoping to distract each other enough so that each would either make a mistake or look dumb during a useless arguement.

I spent a lot of time sighing and wondering how much use these skills would be when the world finally falls into apocalyptic chaos.

While following their back and forth smarty volley it finally got to the point where I was spending so much time looking up weird references and quotes on my iphone that I became overwhelmed with the urge to shoot both participants dead to release the world from their useless  blowhard ramblings.

I mean, you might be able to outsmart and hurl a few insults about Jebadiah’s intellect in public, cutting him down to size in a televised debate but it won’t do you much good against his expert marksman skills when he’s about to take you out at twenty feet in an open field.

Unless those snarky comments that helped you feel so superior just minutes ago can make you can run *really* fast they won’t be of use to you in this new situation.

To add insult to injury, you will probably be served over a bed of cous cous and vegetables that evening while his tribe absorbs those “smarts” by eating your brain.

There is a simple beauty to this bleak future.

If you upset me, I stab or bludgeon you on the spot or we set up a thunderdome style cage fight. There are no hours of contemplation, deciphering whether or not that clever quip you used  was genuinely intended to  insult me with obscure data from a rarely read study in a much heralded publication.

You’re dead, I’m vindicated.

The time and effort saved here is something to really think about.

The freedom to put down dumb people will be a thing of the past because soon they’ll be unleashed with no big brains to reign supreme.

Here are some survival tips for you smarties. Good luck.

1. How Not To Be Seen. (Ode to Python)  The Art of Camouflage.

You know how you wore those camo pants to the feminist rally to look uncharacteristically hardcore? Well now they have a practical purpose. Run and hide. Build yourself a green camo village and stay there.

2. Sharpen Your Instincts.

Life in the big city surrounded by all that culture and breeding has deadended your lifesaving intuition.
A friendly fox approaches, how cute! Smart people love ALL animals unlike the BARBARIANS who hunt and kill them!
NO! No, no, no, no.
How can you be so smart yet so dumb? It’s daytime! Foxes are notoriously skittish! This animal is RABID! Unless you want to spend the remainder of the days you have left in your camo village foaming at the mouth with a bizzare fear of water you best turn tail and RUN!

3. New Criteria For Choosing A Mate

That sweet, sensitive hipster dude with the glasses and the witty comebacks was speared and eaten by the dominant tribe weeks ago and you need a new man!
Things to look for: speed, aggression, agility, size, leadership qualities. The quarterback of the post civilized world. This will test everything about you as a human being as you’ve been raised to hate entitled athletes and lunkheads. You must swallow this like an old pro and join the harem. Hopefully, you can use some of those old apathy and mind game skills you honed on your lesser boyfriends to peak his interest and keep him happy.

4. Humility

Smarts can’t control nature. Contrary to the Greek chorus that follows intellectuals around to asssure them of their own superiority, they are not Zeus, Posideon, Jesus or any other god like entity.
Just because you will the elements not to destroy you, doesn’t mean they must listen.
Learn some survival 101. While I’m as fond of the Israeli issue gas masks as the next gal, you’d be better off taking a Mossad offered basics course and a boy/girl scout refresher. Always be prepared is your new motto.

5. Stop Being Such a Know It All

The most important thing to remember is that anyone who has ever taken the time to correct someone elses pronunciation, grammar or spelling is going to be the first person run through with a sword or pierced with the arrow of a crossbow hunter, so for the love of God, STOP DOING IT! I have seen some of the worlds smartest people make these mistakes yet they LOVE to point out when others have done so.

I used to console myself about stuff like this by noting that I’m just stupid and smart enough to “get by” no matter which side emerges triumphant. Brains win? I’ll start memorizing noteworthy stories in the New York Times so I look like I’m up on important matters. Braun takes the lead? I can swing and axe and stack wood making me useful in a village.

In a strange twist of fate, the WordPress spellcheck went out of whack before I published this so I may have just come down on the stupid side hard. I expect everyone will be nitpicking my grammatical errors since I have not the time nor the inclination to remember how things are actually supposed to be without a computer editor.



Filed under eat the rich AND the smart, I enjoy being inferior, I run fast, im okay you're better, when I have a fever I write odd things, you are so smart let's sit in this marinade

12 responses to “Super Smart, Tastes Good

  1. All of these reasons just serve to convince me that Midwesterners are set to kick ass in the post apocalyptic world.

    Personally, I prefer my Ivy League intellectuals poached, with a side of rice. Californians? Barbequed over mesquite, with a nice lemon herb sauce.

  2. Thanks for writing this. My blog was down last night and while I was troubleshooting it, my husband was like “what’s the user experience like under IE?” I’m like “Huh? It’s a blank screen, see?” Please speak English in my time of stress honey. User experience was not the phraseology I needed to hear!

  3. all filler no substance. bwahaha. like weiners.

    • dufmanno

      I’m not sure what brand you’ve been using but I’ve got some recommendations. Also, can we all just stop a minute and marvel at the fact that this post is riddled with bad spelling, train wreck grammar and rapid tense changes, yet no one has pointed this out.
      It is a testament to your goodness as human beings that you would let me say mean things about smart people with my meager skills. Granted these meager skills were made even WORSE when the wordpress editor and spellchecker went AWOL and wouldn’t correct my shit but still, I thank you for turning a blind eye

  4. I thought I was the only one who wore cammo pants… Now I need to find a new affectation.

    • dufmanno

      I wore my cammo pants until the ass evaporated from fifteen years of overwearing so clearly I am in the same camp as you.
      Also, let’s move to the side here and have an off topic chit chat about the fact that when I tried to comment on TWO posts (The “I Hate You and the ER visit one) over at your place, Blogger repeatedly stuck it’s foot out and tripped me at every turn! I had two LONG, TEDIOUS things to say and it gave me guff and refused my nonsense.
      I think I insulted it along the way and it’s blacklisted me.

  5. That fox isn’t rabid. That foam around his mouth is just a cry for help. He’s a product of the system, misunderstood by our modern society…
    C’mere little guy, let me rehabilitate you.

    • dufmanno

      You people are all suckers for redheads.
      Anyway, modern society is soon going the way of the Mammoth so at least you and I know how to stay warm. Everyone else stay away from those neatly stacked woodpiles.

  6. See? This is why I’ve been trying to get my hands on a piece of cyanide so I can hide it inside my tooth cavity the way secret operative do.

    • I get first dibs on your brain. I’d imagine that if all hell breaks loose we could very easily step aside until the time was right for a coup. Women could be the dominant force, ruling supreme for a thousand years.
      Cassius has a lean and hungry look
      He thinks too much: such men are dangerous….

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