The Long Haulers

I have a theory that women who leave or die before a man is allowed to grow weary of them become elevated to a lofty pedestal and are held in the highest esteem by the guys they leave behind.

It’s mostly illusion, an idea of what could have been; like some unfulfilled promise of destiny that was thwarted before it had a chance to grow, conjured up in the overactive imagination of a spurned or deserted man in the throes of the fairy dust infatuation period where nothing or no one can tell them any differently. (the misuse of punctuation in that sentence actually blinded me temporarily)

How do I come up with theories like this?

Through repeated late night viewings of Showtimes “The Tudors”,  that’s where.

We taught her more about human nature and the monarchy than 12 years of school!

 I am now absolutely certain that if Anne Boleyn had died in childbirth giving Henry his male heir (like her successor Jane Seymour) instead of being revealed as the manipulative, backstabbing, nagging attention whore she really was, she would have been remembered as his “favorite wife”.

Let that be a lesson to you ladies  – spit out boys and die young because that is what they like.

You know how it is. You meet someone who blows you back on your heels and he feels equally smitten.

There are the hours of doe eyed looks and powerful feelings and then one day life begins to intrude on the dream and everyday wear and tear begins to chip away at the rose-colored facade.

 You look up years later and you think to yourself that five days alone at a spa sounds positively resplendent, whereas during your volcanic courtship the only way to express your extreme displeasure at having been parted for so long would have been to cut out your own heart with a jagged knife and mail it in an organ donor box to your beloved.

 You would’ve signed it in blood of course.

Anyway, usually this endorphin soaked obsession is replaced by feelings that are considered more meaningful and long-lasting ; maybe even true love.

On the other hand, sometimes it’s just shoved aside in favor of bitter resentment,unfulfilled dreams and raging disappointment.

I’m sure there are days my husband looks up at me running around in my flannel pajamas and wonders why I seemed so good in theory but turned out not to be very practical for every day use.

We all have thoughts like that occasionally, but now thanks to Showtime’s retelling of Henry the VIII’s long and volatile love life and we all have a better understanding of why.

While it would be impractical to destroy, exile or behead those of whom we have grown tired, it still makes us root for the long-suffering underdog (I’m looking at YOU Catherine of Aragon!) and gives you hope that the long haulers have way more to show for their efforts than the fast and furious short-lived exploits of the long gone.

What would I do without cable shows?

For a take on The Tudors from someone with a far better grasp on history go here.

I liked his picture the best.

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28 Comments

Filed under Anne Boylen, Catherine of Aragon, Henry the 8th, history, Jane Seymour, life lessons learned watching Showtime, long haulers, royalty never looked so good, Showtime, The Tudors, this would be so educational if not for all the sex, wacky theories that might be true

28 responses to “The Long Haulers

  1. Tom G.

    Screw punctuation. Your sentences are like improvisational jazz. Your the freaking Miles Davis of blogging.

    You are also the first person to understand that men like to be dumped on, and treated like shit by women. What the hell took you girls so long to figure that out? My theory is that when women treat us this way we feels absolved from all responsibility to:
    a.) be Sober
    b.) help around the house
    c.) remember anniversaries

    Also, your decolletage would have totally rocked Tudor England.

    Just saying.

    • dufmanno

      Yeah, but Anne Boleyn tried her sassy bullshit once she got Catherine banished and little Mary bastardized & out of the line of succession and Henry got sick of her crap REAL FAST.
      I say that not being an asshole and then dying quickly (worked wonders for Jane Seymour) after spitting out a male heir pretty much solidifies your sainthood.

      • Tom G.

        Yes, but did they show the part where Anne Boleyn spent two weeks without showering, wearing the same pair of sweats and slippers everywhere, while the filth piled up around the castle? I bet they left out that scene.

  2. dufmanno

    Oh shit, I think I might be her reincarnated. No wonder my neck always hurts!

  3. chuck duffy

    I try and save all the good stuff up in a little jar. It really works!

  4. avapidblonde

    So… What your saying is that using my guillotine is frowned upon? Oh Fuck!

    • avapidblonde

      *you’re…. *sigh*

    • dufmanno

      You also have the option of stripping them off all titles, sending them into exile, shaming their family, burning them alive or imprisoning them in a creepy cellar jail cell.

      • avapidblonde

        I think I’ll take D. I prefer creepy cellar jail cells. Particularly since I know exactly wher to fine them. No need for silly tracking devices like ezpass or gps.

  5. It’s rather like George Costanza leaving the party right after telling his funniest joke, at his high point. That’s how you want to go out.

    (And if we’re bringing George into the picture, sweatpants should only be worn more often, no?)

  6. Great observations, as usual. The lifespan of whatever it is that resides inside of us and makes us leap tall buildings in a single bound whenever we so much as think about our loved one, is short, indeed. Otherwise, we’d spend all of our time swooning and totally forget to recycle or to keep dental appointments and everything would go to ruin really quickly.

    • This is why it’s vital to have castles and manor homes throughout the country where you rule supreme. When I’m busy swooning I find it’s best to have my ladies in waiting dress, feed and move me about so that I have enough energy to properly stalk the object of my affections.

  7. How on earth did they have so much sex? I can’t imagine any of them smelling very good.

    • Tom G.

      I read that the average person in the 1500’s bathed once a year. This explains why it took until 1804 for the world population to reach 1 Billion people. This proves Soap is the leading cause of overpopulation.

    • I kept wondering that as I blazed through the entire series in a few evenings.
      The only mention of unpleasant stink was Anne of Cleves gagging over the smell of Henry’s infected ulcerous leg.
      Yum.

      • chuck duffy

        If everyone stinks, horribly, all the time – then it is the norm. People don’t tend to notice things unless they are outside the norm.

      • I think it would have been too expensive to ship in millions of specially trained “actor” flies to take part in the shooting of the series. I guess they leave it up to the audience to imagine the dreadful odors.

        Would have been a nice touch though.

  8. macdougalstreetbaby

    You may be right about the dying part but I’m not so sure about the leaving. I’ve left many men in my lifetime. Pretty sure I heard “bitch” on the way out the door.

  9. Jonathan Rhys whateverness does exciting things to my bits. I can’t really explain it. Unless I use interpretive dance. Can I borrow your castanets?

    • I love that guy!
      Nevermind that he looks nothing like the real Henry, he’s mesmerizing enough to make me forget.
      Also, let’s promise each other that if we ever build a fantasy castle born of pure imagination in the woods, we too will call it Nonsuch.
      All Historical scholars may now become enraged while I admit that I thought it was only the name of an XTC album.

  10. Thank you for making this point at this exact moment. (It’s almost like you are with me all the time making sure I have my shoes on…) Saw the movie “We Bought a Zoo” and wow the mom/wife was THE perfect woman if you believed all the flashbacks. Makes me want to stab her if she were still alive…

  11. this was the best take on the tudors i’ve ever read! so poignant. it made me cry because i’m with you on the long haulers. they deserve tons of props. i wish i were one of them, alas i am not. bitterness, unfulfilled dreams and raging disappointment are too fucking easy and obtainable. the long haul isn’t. i always fantasized about dying during the fairy dust infatuation period so that i could be immortalized and never be discovered as the deeply flawed human being i am. who knows maybe next around it will happen. of course romeo and juliette being 80 may not carry the same romantic weight.

    ps: sorry for the heavy. this one really got to me.

  12. I gave the long haul a really good shot. 19 years of faith, devotion and blah, blah, blah. All to be traded in. So, my new theory…..I will take 6 of those, 4 of that one and I think I will try that chocolate one over there, TYVM! Screw it. Where is it written that Kings still rule the friggin monarchy, doesn’t England currently have a seated QUEEN in charge? Why yes, I believe they do. Sorry HenryVIII, your time came and went.

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