Jumpy the Overenthusiastic Field Mouse Learns A Terrible Life Lesson

If I could get Jumpy to stay still long enough I'd knit him a cap to wear. Just like my ceramic mouse.

I’m having yet another anthropomorphic episode with the onslaught of  new mouse tenants who think my house is a great place to shack up for the cold season.

Unlike a lot of people I remain mostly unperturbed by a variety of animals that don’t usually live with humans.

Why, in the house where I grew up I dealt with raccoons, skunks, field mice, foxes and even the occasional mole who used the hollow walls and shoddy screen doors to enter our house on a regular basis. Our completely useless dog would head for the hills and we’d have to shoo these woodland creatures back to their natural habitat with alarming frequency.

Now that I live in the city, I find I have zero tolerance for the two animals who, like the plague, remain a thorn in the side of urban dwellers everywhere – the rat and the cockroach.

That is why when I get batch of baby mice, I almost sigh with nostalgia.

I first saw Jumpy and his kin flying out of my laundry pile with wild abandon a few weeks ago and I was immediately smitten. So here is where I appeal to Jumpy’s practical nature and ask him a favor….

Dear Jumpy,
It’s been great getting to know you and your teardrop shaped siblings. You’ve been a welcome addition to our family and we’ve enjoyed watching you guys engage in hilarious mouse hijinks. I’d even venture as far as to say that you return those warm feelings, but here’s the thing.

This is poor judgement.

We are a wretched, savage species with a long history of wiping out anything we see as unsavory or burdensome. And while I think your large brown trusting eyes and heartwarming nightly hop through my kitchen, blissfully unaware of the danger, is delightfully sweet – soon a time will come where we must become enemies.

For you see, society dictates that you – the vermin– and me- the king of the world– must face off.

I know this seems barbaric and unfair as I have opposable thumbs, glue traps, the ability to drive and enormous size and strength while you only have the disarming power of a-fucking-dorable.

Let’s be frank.

Eventually you’ll lose the doe eyed innocence and naiveté that allows you to walk straight up to me without fear. Your enthusiasm for floor crumbs will wane and you’ll begin to chew up things that you ought not to and eventually you’ll cause some sort of damage that will warrant a home improvement project and cost me money.

The poops won’t look like tiny chocolate sprinkles anymore.

The honeymoon will end.

I’ll move from hostess to predator seemingly with the flip of a switch, hunting you with a stealth and prowess you didn’t think I had. The time for humane traps will be long past and one day you’ll come across a deceptively delicious glob of peanut butter in the middle of a seemingly innocuous sheet of shiny white paper.

“A peace-offering” you’ll think to yourself and you’ll take one tiny mouse step forward, sealing your fate.

A large tear will spill out of your left rodent eye as you feel the full weight of my betrayal.

The only witnesses to your sad end? The watchful eyes of my crated dog and the glue trap set by a cruel mistress.

So Jumpy?

Run!

Get the fuck out and enjoy this beautiful fall day in the sunshine before this possible future destroys us all!!

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38 Comments

Filed under don't make me kill you, I love mice, jumpy the field mouse, let's work together to avoid this fate, rodent removal, the human race is mean, trusting rodents don't live long

38 responses to “Jumpy the Overenthusiastic Field Mouse Learns A Terrible Life Lesson

  1. Tom G.

    I feel your torment. The mice are so freaking cute. I have to hide the traps so that the kids don’t see them and throw a fit again. It’s bad enough killing the doe eyed, innocent little things, but then having to deal with the tears, greif, and sobs of “Why daddy, why?” is just too much. So I stalk the little fluuffballs like a serial killer,

    Hmm… maybe I should wear a clown mask?

    • dufmanno

      Mimes are quieter. Go with the mime get up.
      Here’s the thing though. This mouse actually likes me. He runs over to see if I’ve got any treats and today he sat next to me on the floor while I took a video of him.
      Even worse?
      Today while we were sitting together on my rug I noticed he only has one eye. ONE EYE! What the fuck kind of fair fight is that? I don’t know if he was the victim of an unfortunate accident or if he was just born that way but DAMN. I need to get him a hamster habitat or something.

      • Tom G.

        I think it’s time you put him into a habitrail and make an honest mouse of him. History is full of touching stories like this where sworn enemies find a common ground, and live happily ever after.

        sniff… sniff… this is just so… touching.

        But his family and siblings stil die right?

      • Tom G.

        PS = you must post the video!

  2. You two need couseling…….okay..MORE counseling! Mice are dirty. Destroy it. It’s a setup.
    Jumpy probably only has one eye because the last homeowner he reeled in tried to defend herself after she found him rifling through her jewelry and choosing the good shit, packing it away in his little mouse knapsack. Defend your homestead woman!

    • dufmanno

      Jumpy does not have a deceptive bone in his tiny body. Also, he’s BLIND! I’m weary from beating off the rolling waves of rats and cockroaches. This fluffy guy has won my heart.

  3. That cute one? That’s Socrates. Sure, everything’s just great. What a wonderful pet. Just keep trusting them, and you’ll find Ben. Ben will destroy you and everything you love. I’ve seen it happen.

    (Willard)

    • Tom G.

      Umm… which one of us is Ernest Borgnine then?

    • dufmanno

      you know what Willard? Skullduggery may run deep in the veins of all those you run with but Jumpy is brimming with a rogue kindness that not all rodents have. I’ll just have to learn my lesson the hard way.
      Ben is an asshole.

      • Not to alarm you, but Ben is reading this with a particular gleam in his eye… I’d lock up, and then move.

        @Tom – You can be. I’d like to be Willard. Also,I was referring to the new remake, which is just fantastic. If you haven’t seen it, check out the musical on the DVD. It’s wonderfully twisted and full of rats, erupting from bosoms. What more could one ask for?

  4. dufmanno

    oh and also? how the fuck does Tom have the divine ability to post videos on my own post but I don’t? WordPress is telling me to drop dead and pay money if I want to upload a stinking video. Really WordPress? Sheesh.

  5. dufmanno

    It worked!! Above you can see seven whole minutes of pure unadulterated Jumpy footage. This one even has mambo music! If you can’t take seven minutes of mouse scampering I suggest you skip the above flip video. It’s a little long.

  6. After reading all this, I know better than to ever accept an ice cream from you, if it’s covered with “tiny chocolate sprinkles”

    They are cute, aren’t they? We have them running around London underground, and in Paris, I’ve seen a coupl actually ride the carriage with the passengers. Guess the London ones are too stupid to figure out how to get on the actual train. They’re only seen on the tracks…
    (Poor English mice, their Parisian counterparts are laughing their squeaky French arses off…)

    • dufmanno

      That is what Jumpy should have done- ridden the local trains to the delight of passengers everywhere. I would have sent him with a top hat and a tiny guitar. He would’ve made a killing instead of being brutally murdered by someone who I’m beginning to suspect also walks on four legs.

  7. Run, Jumpy, RUN!

    I have a hard time with the killing, but when they run over my feet at 3am while I’m trying to put the babe to sleep, it’s rather unsettling. Perhaps an etiquette class or, at the very least, the idea of personal space…

  8. Run, Jumpy, RUN!

    I have a hard time with the killing, but when they run over my feet at 3am while I’m trying to put the babe to sleep, it’s rather unsettling. Perhaps an etiquette class or, at the very least, the idea of personal space…

    • dufmanno

      I’m just going to visualize the warm tropical mouse paradise that my one eyed friend deserved and block out the images of what I know really happened. sigh.

  9. I applaud your cinematic capabilities…….your musical taste…….and that rug……Jumpy still freaks me out…

    I also just realized that a 7 minute video of a mouse now that I have no guy around to beg to check and see if that was a mouse I just heard was probably Not. A. Great. Idea.

    • dufmanno

      I’m glad I was able to capture our whimsical carefree interspecies time together since he has obviously perished. I’m moving through Kubler- Ross’ stages of death and dying now.

  10. macdougalstreetbaby

    I can kill a cockroach with the palm of my hand but a mouse sends me shivering and screeching out of the house. I had a bad childhood experience with a rat once so anything resembling a gerbil is toxic in my eyes.

    • dufmanno

      Most people shudder at the thought and I’m sure Jumpy carried a boatload of dangerous diseases around my house. We’ll probably all have ebola next week.

  11. House pets lay in sunbeams. Jumpy lays in sun dams. Ergo…

    • dufmanno

      I’m going to have to get my Ovaltine secret decoder ring but I sense this is a riddle helping me understand that Jumpy has passed on. No? I did terribly on this part of the SAT. Paws are to kittens what hands are to what? OH GOD WHAT THE FUCK HAS HANDS?

  12. Send jumpy here. I run a home for wayward mice.

  13. “A large tear will spill out of your left rodent eye as you feel the full weight of my betrayal.” i’m fucking crying. imagine if you had knitted the blue hat and that’s all that was left.

    ps: this has me wondering — are all mice blind?

    • dufmanno

      Cold mouse carcass, warm hat. All the joy has gone out of our home.
      Okay, not really.
      I’m going to go outside and talk to a squirrel.

  14. Tom G.

    It’s SNOWING on your blog!

    Either that, or that Mammoth has a bad case of dandruff. They suffered from notoriously dry skin during the ice ages.

  15. Speaking of control issues… I had the urge to torch the house down when i found mouse poop in my pantry and drawers etc. I had to clean the entire kitchen etc whenever poops appeared!

    Hmm. Now I am not sure whether it’s because I have control issues or whether I have laziness issues.

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