I Am Womyn, Why Are You Spelling It Like That?

The other day I got an assignment to write something deep and meaningful that covered a variety of women’s issues that I know nothing about.

Yes, it's time to revoke her vaginal privledges. She has no idea what to do with it.

 And by “assignment” I mean there was an email sent to a bunch of people who were sitting around in their pajamas, not a call from the editor of the Washington Post.

 I pretended that I had it all under control nodding my head and using my self-assured fake voice that I reserve for just such occasions.

Truth be told this type of challenge befuddles and upsets me on so many different levels it’s almost too hard to explain.

 I instantly go that place where all the Riot Grrrls from college are out stomping on my throat with their combat boots because I only came to the party for the kick ass grain alcohol they mixed in a trash can and served with a massive soup ladle. Apparently I  didn’t care enough about the plight of women wearing thick charcoal eyeliner chanting slogans I couldn’t really hear because  grain alcohol makes you equally guilty as the men who keep us down and partially deaf in one ear.

It also may have made one partygoer temporarily blind.

 Who knew?

Anyway, I’ve never been able to get on board the slow-moving train of the extremist cause with any sort of sincerity or regularity.

Feminism, intellectualism, socialism, elitism. I’ve tried  all the ism’s and I never had enough enthusiasm or follow through to stick around.

In my defense I will say that socialism sounded great when Billy Bragg spoke about it in that folk hero way while brandishing his guitar but then I thought about someone taking away my Visa card and making me dress in a grey sack mumu and I ran back to capitalism with open arms and legs.

So, it is with great sadness that I send this writing assignment off into the sunset where it will be scooped up by someone with far more impressive  qualifications than just “has a vagina and two hands to type”.

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20 Comments

Filed under females everywhere will disown me, feminist failure, no one should take me seriously, why I can't be trusted

20 responses to “I Am Womyn, Why Are You Spelling It Like That?

  1. Tom G.

    I’ve never been much of an ‘ism person either. The ground out there on the picket lines is cold and hard, and hell, I just can see letting a nice big comfy bed go to waste. I guess not being into that whole “human interaction thing” probably doesn’t help either. That and my allergy to patchouli.

    Too bad there isn’t an ‘ism for mediocrity. That I could get behind.

    • l am in Tom´s team: not a ´ism person neither..
      and the worst: radicalism…

    • The womyn didn’t wear patchouli they wore nothing at all. They told me the whole “hygiene basics” thing was a well thought out master plan dreamed up by the men who would like nothing more than to steal our power and have sex with people who smelled nice. And I WILL BE DAMNED if I sacrifice my god given right to stink like things dead and buried just to please you guys!

  2. What a coincidence.

    Those are the same qualifications I looked for in a potential mate.

    • Which ones? The combat boot wearing, alcohol grain mixing, ladle weilding hard core traits? Or the partially deaf and blind half socialist? No, I know. It was the two hands and a vagina!

  3. I was a womyn’s studies minor in college… but only because the classes fit in with my 6 hour studio art courses, the minor was actually an accident. These classes were all about the isms, and most of the other students knew I was just a freeloader and not really up for any cause…. their smug faces loathing my presence because I was all happy and unaffected, which has oddly stuck with me…

    Maybe I’ll write about this too…

    • You should! I could never really get on any bandwagon, not just the ISM one. I was never talented enough to be an artist or a musician. Wasn’t pretty enough to be a full on prom queen from hell. Didn’t have the chops to be the class clown. Lacked the full commitment and truly violent nature for a criminal or a revolutionary. Never quite good enough at sports to be a full on jock. And lacked the power to suck the chrome off a REAL trailer hitch hence my falling short in the total slut category.
      I like the middle!

  4. brilliant. thank you.

    • You are very welcome. Did you ever try out the ISM’s? Wait, I forgot you are already a svengali:)

      • i DID try out a couple isms. I attended a “Young Socialists” meeting in college, it was dumb. Every conversation looped back to the proletariat and eventual revolution and they were recruiting me the whole time. It was a lot like being trapped in a room full of born-agains. I have retained two of my various isms, and they are quite dear to me. However. When I realize they are actually becoming isms i take a break from them. One more thing. It’s the “Y” chromosome that makes you a male, so this confirms what I already suspected about people who spell it “Womyn.” Holy shit, did I just say that [crouches under desk in air-raid position]?

  5. Oh yeah and of course, Svengalism.

  6. I could care less about feminism. I am not one of the ‘sisters’ as they call themselves. They can kiss my fucking arse. I’ll be too busy chasing rock boys to give a shit ha ha ha

    • dufmanno

      I like to give everything a try. Strangely enough it was the best grain alcohol I ever had. Not that I have it all the time but still.

  7. Love the tags. This is my fav: “I have combat boots but only because they look cute”. I only invoke feminism when I don’t feel like doing the housework…

    • dufmanno

      When I feel like the “man” or “the men” is/are keeping me down and stifling my full potential that I don’t really have anyway……
      THAT is when I become a full on feminist.

  8. dbs

    I’m just happy I’m not the only one who gets “assignments” he isn’t qualified to do. *fist bump*

    • dufmanno

      Don’t you like how I tried to fluff it up and tie a ribbon around it? It was more like a basic call for all content related to being female. I like to make myself sound more important by pointing out that I had to “pass this up” . I’m not even qualified to write a facebook caption much less anything else.

  9. i really don’t give a fuckism.
    and it sucksism.

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