The Don Juan of the McDonald’s Drive Through

There are days that I feel so absolutely shitty that there seems to be only one surefire way to elevate my mood and crack my funk cloud – a trip to the golden arches for a piping hot egg McMuffin.

It requires effort and skill to come skidding in under the breakfast menu cutoff time after a two-hour roundtrip school drop off but the culinary nirvana reached after taking that first bite makes it all worthwhile.

Eggs, cheese, ham, all cooked in a perfect little circle to slide beautifully inside the english muffin capsule can make or break my day.

It was during a mad dash to acquire one (ok two) of these life affirming gems that I found myself face to face with the most overwhelmingly enthusiastic McDonald’s employee I’ve ever seen.

I was temporarily stunned as he leaned out of this little drive through window to make sure I had a firm grip on my prized bag of food while looking deep into my eyes and said, “You make sure to have a very good day” with the kind of depth, sincerity and overt sexuality that only rock stars and very good actors possess.

My smooth ways and good looks are for disarming customers

 It was right then and there I realized that some people miss their calling.

Suddenly I pictured Antonio Banderes stuck behind the counter of Z Burger calling out order numbers and submerging another vat of fries into the boiling oil while daydreaming about what could have been.

I wanted to shake this mesmerizing employee by his manly shoulders and scream “get out of here, run away to Hollywood, don’t give up, you have what it takes!” but then the heavenly aroma of my food temporarily stunned me into silence and all I could think about was inhaling the eggy goodness in record time.

So Don Juan, another time I will summon the energy and courage it takes to get out of the car in my pajamas and I’m going to march right in there and INSIST you don’t let that god given talent go to waste.



Filed under don juan, egg mcmuffin, i take secret shame trips to mcdonalds, that guy has star wattage, wasted talent, why hello there

21 responses to “The Don Juan of the McDonald’s Drive Through

  1. dufmanno

    Nice work!!!!

  2. (Sorry about that. Can’t resist…)

    You have sexy hands you know that?

    I imagine one day, McD Juan when accepting his Oscar, or the equivalent in porn, will point to you in the audience, and say, ” my life took an unexpected turn when this pelt-covered lady riding a mammoth showed up like a primal goddess out of a vision, marched right up the counter, and demanded that I follow my calling. This was the genesis of the now most popular series The Egg MacMuffin Diary…

    And the camera will pan to you, showing to the world the glamorous vision that is you…

    • dufmanno

      I plan on wearing my anchor woman aviators to that ceremony you know.
      Also, isn’t the AVN the academy awards of porn? Cause I’d go to that too!

      • I don’t know how you know about AVN but I am not surprised that you do. That’s all I am gonna comment on that.

        Also, I miss your anchor woman aviators. But I have a picture of you wearing them. So… that sounds creepy, eh? Sorry about that.

  3. He just wanted to see down your shirt.

    • dufmanno

      I honestly believe this person possessed star quality in abundance. To steal from Stephenie Meyers list of frequently used words, he dazzled me beyond belief.
      Also, if you could have gotten a gander at my coffee stained t-shirt and face scrubbed clean of make up you might understand why no one would want to investigate my rack further.

  4. Well shit. Now I need fast food. But I need a place with a drive through. Because I swear if one more stranger asks me when I’m due and what I’m having and is this my first imma punch a bitch. So now I have to chose between fries and incarceration. Damn you and your pelt wearing ways.

  5. I agree with Ed. He just wanted a peek down your pelt at that stunning rack.

  6. I’m sorry, I am too busy drooling a Homer-type-gaaaahhhh drool over the mention of Egg McMuffins that I got distracted about the rest. Maybe it WAS Antonio Banderas, you think he’s got an exotic surname? Banderas translates as Flags. Boring, innit…

  7. Tom G.

    When are you going to write something again? You know Elly and I are getting tired of keeping this whole internet thing going by ourselves.

  8. this post was hilarious and very timely. as it turns out, i got my mcmuffin on yesterday morning. only there was no muffin dazzler serving me. rather there was an old creepy dude who got right up on neck and asked “can i buy you breakfast, young lady”? get the fuck away, mcmuffin spoiler! where is anotonio banderes when you need him?

    ps: my crispy hash brown rectangle hit the spot something fierce though.

  9. don’t go back there, because you’re married and this sounds like a slippery slope. and by slippery slope i don’t mean the path that egg mcmuffins take exiting the human body.

    • Sadly, I had to wear my “I don’t feel so good” face for a full 24 hours after this McMuffin situation. However I don’t blame the drive through employee with star quality for this digestive nightmare, only my own inability to understand that just because it’s there doesn’t mean you should eat it. Also, Dreamy Drive thru guy was half my age making it impossible for me to feel anything other than maternal about his future. Well, except for that first four seconds when I forgot who I was…

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