Screw You Sunflower

Get up and LIVE!!!

Do you know what this photo represents people?

The death of hope and goodness, that’s what.

 Look at it lying there face down like a drunk whore, mocking me.

It’s life blew away like a weak fart in a gale force wind leaving me bereft and teary eyed.

For many years I have tried to bring one of these floral behemoths to fruition with failed results every single time. And before you start in with the “well I see a pattern here” or “isn’t this the same one who kills her sea monkeys and blames the murder on tank conditions out of her control” I’ll have you know that you would be partly right.

I have a knack for expecting great things from everyone and everything and then walking away with crushed hopes when it all falls woefully short of my sick little dreams, but I don’t think I was asking too much from this flower.

I gently cultivated and loved it from infancy smacking my kids out of the way when they threatened to stomp it with their careless clomping through my yard, watering it, and even going so far as to brain a squirrel who had the fucking audacity to try to dig up the seeds planted so carefully.

In this case I was so assured of the possibility for triumph that I dared not stop to consider that defeat was right around the corner.



Filed under death of a sunflower, failure, floralcide, growing gone wrong, not fair, reason #200 why I won't get a farm now, sunflowers

22 responses to “Screw You Sunflower

  1. Tom G.

    If it’s any consolation, you’re role in the post-zombie apocalyptic world was never going to be farming. Instead your role will involve axe, and shotgun wielding. I say you start playing to your strengths.

    • dufmanno

      Yes Tom, but we are all going to get SCURVY if one of us can’t grow something! Promise me when we revert to tribe living and our economy is based on the barter system you will trade me a healthy citrus tree for ten animal pelts.

      • Tom G.

        Hmm… perhaps we need to start recruiting gardeners into our commune. I can only bring my beer brewing, and moonshining skills to the island. You keep us covered in furry pelts, and I’ll keep us good and drunk.

      • I have half a peach tree left for the post-zombie apocalyptic world. We’ll get to eat peaches every other year. So I have value in this new world, yes?

  2. Maybe it was top-heavy.

    Also like a drunkin whore.

  3. Oh man…that’s just a sad sad photo, yeah, I can see why this would symbolise the death of hope and the world as we know it. Okay, when you speak about tribal living, you think we’ll end up like Mad Max? Because I look great in black leather, but please, let’s hope the ice caps do not melt because I do not want it to be like that lame Kevin Costner film ‘Waterworld’…aaaaaaaaahhhhhh, the horror, the horror…(also I cannot swim…ack)

    • dufmanno

      I’m not sure if I’m more upset by Waterworld’s bad script or Kevin Costner’s unfathomable hair do donned for the role. Still hashing that one out. Anyway, any exsistence that promises a future of Thunderdome like fight clubs and bleak sand covered landscapes is okay in my book.

  4. I think if you had a farm this wouldn’t happen. The flower isn’t going to give up so easily in front of its friends.

    • dufmanno

      If I didn’t know any better I’d say she was sabotaged. Standing upright and facing the sun one day and then keeling over the next? I smell subterfuge. Sunflower envy.

  5. I’ll happily volunteer as gardener, as we are still reaping the “success” of a wild jungle in our backyard that produces butternut squash at a rate of one per every 2 feet of yardage. What we are going to do with all that squash, I can’t even imagine. My kids hate squash. Or actually, I’ll volunteer my hubby who is much better at gardening — he also cans — but I come as part of the package. I hope our love will withstand the apocalypse because I’m sure I will be an enormous liability.

    • dufmanno

      I tried gourds next to the sunflower but they withered and died too. The importance of a group of dynamic individuals with diverse talents is becoming all too clear to me through this apocalyptic haze. I feel like I’m insuring the survival of my tribe

  6. And also, my son planted sunflowers — and the squirrels wiped them out. Squirrels are assholes. And sometimes Mother Nature is a bitch. There’s always next year?

    • dufmanno

      I also think squirrels might be imbued with some sort of voodoo magic because I saw one fall from unimaginable heights recently only to land flat on it’s back on a concrete sidewalk. This should have resulted in INSTANT death yet it just got up and shook itself off before carrying on.

  7. You grew this thing to this size from seeds???!!! As a confirmed brown thumb, I bow to your mastery! Next time try to play music for the plants. Mine all look so happy hen listening to music, even to ABBA on repeat, as evidenced by their smiles….

    What do you mean those are plastic sound activated flowers?!

    • dufmanno

      I was going to start on this rant about how the neighbors seem to be able to keep everything alive and then I remember the endless hours they spend out there “plant whispering” sweet nothings to their shrubbery.

  8. Did you try giving the sunflower a little Cialis?

    • dufmanno

      No, I was worred the squirrels would dig it up and store it in their “stash”. Nothing worse than eternally lusty and unruly rats with tails.

  9. If it helps — all of our sunflowers bit it during Irene. We came home to a slaughter. sobs.

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