He’s a jack of all trades but a master of none.
A one trick pony with a loaded gun.
I spent a brief but glorious fifteen minutes thinking I made that line up out of the blue and then two hours on google trying to figure out who I’d inevitably stolen it from.
If only the world were full of mindless dolts and cavemen I’d be the queen of one liners like this and everyone would bow down to worship my creative ingenuity and very clear leadership skills.
Like Kim Jong-il with more flexibility and a better outfit, I’d walk from place to place pointing at things of interest and telling everyone why military maneuvers are a show of strength for the dirty westerners.
Sorry, I’m getting carried away with my wild fantasies of becoming a pint sized dictator.
So lets step away from that line of thought long enough to get to what I really wanted to talk about today – survival.
This past week I’ve read through the newly updated version of John “Lofty” Wiseman’s SAS Survival Handbook and I can honestly say that you can now officially color me impressed and ready to live through the most potentially dangerous case scenarios ever thought up.
Nuclear explosion, volcano eruption, earthquake, lightning, tornado, hurricane, flood, chemical & biological warfare, burning buildings, plane crashes, boat accidents I now have a working knowledge of all things disaster related.
For instance, did you know that there are special ground to air signals that you need to memorize so when the rescue plane flying low over the deserted island spots your camp you don’t tell him “everything is fine! keep flying away!” ?
Because that is a bleak and distinct possibility if you don’t wave your white rag the proper way. As a matter of fact the other survivors may vote to stab you and roast your carcass for that evenings dinner if you ruin their chance for escape. This lifesaving book also lets you know that you should remove eyeballs from your prey before cooking and suck them dry because they contain life-sustaining water vital to your health during your long wait for rescue.
I’m now well versed in simple knots, how to split cane and weave it into rope, and using animal sinew as thread.
Need a Yukon stove, a long-term shelter or a pig spear trap? Not a problem.
I was a little surprised that there were no tips on how to look smoking hot while collecting kindling to attract the attention of the rakishly handsome man survivor you will be there with but I suppose a ripped wet t-shirt and a come hither stare/pout combination would be enough to get things cooking.
Like my mother always says, it’s a sad uncertain world out there, it’s best to be prepared so do not hesitate and get yourself to the bookstore to pick up your copy of this vital guide. That way when the end unfolds you’ll find yourself with the knowledge and the training to be an expert survivor until we meet up and have to battle to the death over the food supply.