Poor Johnny One Note

He’s a jack of all trades but a master of none. 

A one trick pony with a loaded gun.

I spent a brief but glorious fifteen minutes thinking I made that line up out of the blue and then two hours on google trying to figure out who I’d inevitably stolen it from.

If only the world were full of mindless dolts and cavemen I’d be the queen of one liners like this and everyone would bow down to worship my creative ingenuity and very clear leadership skills.

Like Kim Jong-il with more flexibility and a better outfit, I’d walk from place to place pointing at things of interest and telling everyone why military maneuvers are a show of strength for the dirty westerners. 

21 Gun Salute! March In Formation!

 Sorry, I’m getting carried away with my wild fantasies of becoming a pint sized dictator.

So lets step away from that line of thought long enough to get to what I really wanted to talk about today – survival.

This past week I’ve read through the newly updated version of John “Lofty” Wiseman’s SAS Survival Handbook and I can honestly say that you can now officially color me impressed and ready to live through the most potentially dangerous case scenarios ever thought up.

Nuclear explosion, volcano eruption, earthquake, lightning, tornado, hurricane, flood, chemical & biological warfare, burning buildings, plane crashes, boat accidents I now have a working knowledge of all things disaster related.

When trying to survive it helps to be stranded with Moses.

For instance, did you know that there are special ground to air signals that you need to memorize so when the rescue plane flying low over the deserted island spots your camp you don’t tell him “everything is fine! keep flying away!” ?

 Because that is a bleak and distinct possibility if you don’t wave your white rag the proper way.  As a matter of fact the other survivors may vote to stab you and roast your carcass for that evenings dinner if you ruin their chance for escape. This lifesaving book also lets you know that you should remove eyeballs from your prey before cooking and suck them dry because they contain life-sustaining water vital to your health during your long wait for rescue.

You’re welcome.

I’m now well versed in simple knots, how to split cane and weave it into rope, and using animal sinew as thread.

Need a Yukon stove, a long-term shelter or a pig spear trap? Not a problem.

I was a little surprised that there were no tips on how to look smoking hot while collecting kindling to attract the attention of the rakishly handsome man survivor you will be there with but I suppose a ripped wet t-shirt and a come hither stare/pout combination would be enough to get things cooking.

Like my mother always says, it’s a sad uncertain world out there, it’s best to be prepared so do not hesitate and get yourself to the bookstore to pick up your copy of this vital guide. That way when the end unfolds you’ll find yourself with the knowledge and the training to be an expert survivor until we meet up and have to battle to the death over the food supply.

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18 Comments

Filed under SAS Survival guide, The spear will look great with the fur outfit, they don't include hair tips in the survival knowledge

18 responses to “Poor Johnny One Note

  1. I’m already so prepared for this, it’s crazy. Crazy? I didn’t say it was crazy. What are you even talking about, here? Look, if you’ve come to grill me about my mental health and disaster-preparedness, you’ve come to the wrong palm tree.

    SOS (Shave Our Scrotums)

    • dufmanno

      Let no government agency come sniffing around your survival compound. I will say that you also need to be prepared in case you wash up on unfamiliar shores in your dinghy with only your wits and a magnifying glass. All I’ll say is I hope you brought flint or matches dipped in wax because if not the pursuit of the almighty FIRE will evade you.

  2. hmm I am kind of prepared, many moons ago, I took a survival course, where we were taught to kill our own food, mind you, the “food” were chickens (live ones which we learnt to despatch) but the thing I wondered about when seeing these chickens was this: If you’re stranded in the jungle, what are the chances you’re going to stumble upon domestic chickens? hmm…I think I need to ask for my money back, but we were also taught how to set up traps to: Dangle, Mangle, Strangle and another -gle that I cannot recall and that certainly made it interesting, not that I’ve tested the traps, nowhere to do it, and I do not think the local park would be the right place…heh heh

    • dufmanno

      You would have to hunt down the rare but tasty Island Pea Fowl or the dreaded Red Jungle Hen. Both deadly but equally delicious. Just make sure you have the means to light a roaring fire first. Salmonella.

  3. If the apocalypse comes, I’m going with it. Hopefully drunk. I’ve seen enough sci-fi movies to know people like me get eaten first.

    • Dufmanno

      I’m hoping for more of a man made disaster that tests the limits of our endurance while still giving us a fair chance at triumph.
      Also, the survival handbook says NEVER DRINK ALCOHOL. Or seawater. Or your own urine.

  4. “NEVER DRINK ALCOHOL”?? That’s a world in which I do not care to survive, thank you.

    • dufmanno

      It almost goes against everything you know about deserted islands and blue ocean but you must always keep this rule in mind for when you wash up on the sand with the cast from LOST.

  5. does it review the phases of death by dehydration because there’s no way in hell i’m sucking eyeballs dry.

    • dufmanno

      If I’m thirsty enough my “things I’ll never do” list will have to be ripped up and tossed away and if I’m hungry enough I know which part of the body makes the best flank steak.

  6. To be fair, I am not sure that you will have much of a fight on your hands if the hot guy’s choices for amorous moments are between you and the local meercat. And if he went for the meercat, then he probably is a man whose eyeballs are more valuable than his other, well, balls. 🙂

    • dufmanno

      Meercat is tasty.
      I think we are all getting ahead of ourselves by assuming that the only disaster case scenario that might befall us will be tropical in nature. No one has mentioned the flight that goes awry near the top of the alps and how we’ll join force with the blindingly gorgeous rugby team we were traveling with. I’ll burrow down in the tail section with Ethan Hawke while you ski down the mountain for help.

  7. It sounds like you’re ready to institute your own Blogger Hunger Games.

    I volunteer.

    • dufmanno

      Except ours will be more realistic in that kids would never be able to outrun me in a crisis NOR would they be a better shot. Between you and I think we could take down the population of a small city with a small scope and a level surface to place our elbows.

  8. Tom G.

    Damn, I leave for a week and you decide to post on survival skills? Where was this info before I left for a week of seclusion in the mountains? I could have been sucking eyeballs instead of Coors while I wrote my anti technology manifesto on birch bark with nothing but a pocket knife and a #2 pencil!

    • dufmanno

      What kind of sick bastard drinks Coors? Were you abducted and held against your will because that swill is usually only consumed under the most extreme circumstances.

      • Tom G.

        It was extreme circumstances. We got into our cabin at 7 pm, and the only store within 15 miles only sold Coors, Miller and Bud. Desperate times call for desperate measures.

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