WAR!

Merciful Jesus, send a fireball of righteousness to take me now.

 

Supplies include several vats of deadly chemicals.
A face mask.
Shower caps.
Furniture Spray.
Fourteen loads of contaminated laundry.
Daily inspections.
Fits of crying and misdirected rage.
The ability to pick through four billion hair follicles with the skill and determination of a high-ranking vervet monkey.
Kill me now.

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38 Comments

Filed under die lice die, not fair

38 responses to “WAR!

  1. OMG.
    (to be continued…)

  2. Dude! Your background has blinded me with awesomeness. No other comment applies.

  3. My daughter got lice this November after visiting at her Dad’s *sad trombone*

    It was the most traumatic thing ever. I used the shampoo 3 times, vinegar/olive oil combing, fingernail nitpicking, and I think the champion method that I discovered was to turn my flat iron up to 450 degrees and flat iron the piss out of her hair.

    They did not come back. WAPOW.

    • Dufmanno

      You gave me hope to carry on.
      I have one of those ceramic professional hair flat irons that spit fire. Watch me roar!

  4. Oh, lordamercy, I remember doing all that when my daughter was in elementary school. It was worse for me than for her.

    • dufmanno

      It’s taking a LOT of effort not to cry every time i see a gnat or an ant. Every bug seems to be in on the conspiracy.
      A little rolly polly crawled past my foot today and I just hammered him flat for pure revenge.
      I’ll never be the same

  5. I feel dirty after just reading this.

    And not the good dirty.

    • dufmanno

      Do you want me to check your head?
      I have a lice inspection station. It looks like the crack rock processing plant in New Jack City.

  6. They’re called crabs, Duf. Sheesh.

    • dufmanno

      Don’t think I haven’t checked for the dreaded “pubic lice”. NIGHTMARE.
      I’ve been thinking of taking the nuns advice and just setting my privates on fire to prevent any potential problems.

  7. Tom G.

    This is why I am pro DDT. What’s a littl chromosome damage for vermin free folicles?

    • dufmanno

      Dude, you don’t understand. The noxious chemicals don’t work. Yes a majority of the festering colony will be killed instantly and combed out with the worlds tiniest grooming tool but they leave little eggs and if you miss JUST ONE little stubborn egg the whole cycle repeats and then you start contemplating driving off a cliff.
      I’m also wondering why we can eradicate small pox but can’t get a handle on this tiny bug.

  8. I just read on Wikipedia that when lice hit the ground they scramble over to your mattress and magically turn into bed bugs. Or roaches.

    Oh, that was uncalled for…

    I’m kidding around because I know for a fact that I’ll be in your shoes sometime soon and then you can come over to my blog and make really dumb jokes. Should I just shave my kids heads now as a preventative measure?

    May the force be with you.

    • Dufmanno

      I now believe that they posses supernatural abilities and can morph into bedbugs, scabies, some weird form of rickets, scurvy, venomous snakes and prehistoric mollusks.
      Never again will I laugh at the misfortune of the poor son of a bitch burdened with this destroyer of lives.
      I DREAM about them now.
      Fuck you lice

  9. fuck, that thing looks like it’s skull-raping you. poor thang.

    • Dufmanno

      That is in fact the BEST description of exactly what it’s been doing to me.
      It is skull raping me mentally, emotionally AND physically.
      The easy thing would be to take a flame thrower to my skull but I don’t like the burning sensation.
      Actually you want to know what won the war? Chellas flat iron suggestion.

  10. Oh the horror…the horror…I suffered from these little bastards as a kid…

    If god exists, he’s one sick fuck, creating lice, roaches and centipedes, at least centipedes and roaches don’t live in your hair.

    Two words to prove that God is evil: Palmetto Bugs

    BIG HUGE roaches that FLY – I met the bastards in Miami…eeek

    • dufmanno

      At this point I would gladly take a palmetto bug looking for a home. At least he’s big enough to see if he needs to be evicted.

  11. There was a Discovery or History Channel episode about the evolution of lice. No lie. They are clever little fuckers. I’d just burn down my house and start over. Maybe.

    • dufmanno

      Do they actually serve a purpose? I mean other than pushing normal people over the line from sanity to insanity?
      Bees polinate flowers, etc. etc.
      What benefit do lice bring us? TELL ME GOD!!

  12. dbs

    Lice are the devil. Lice are even the devil’s devil.

    • dufmanno

      I imagine he still possesses the power to smite things or maybe I’m giving him too much credit. Still, it makes sense because my kids go to Catholic school so that would be the ultimate funny joke in the third ring of hell.
      “Ha ha, look at the little parochial school dork in short pants scratch his head! hahahahahaha”
      Real funny satan.

  13. Have you considered just moving and putting the kids up for adoption?

    Just seems easier.

    • dufmanno

      Believe it or not a combo of chemical baths, tea tree oil application, severe blow drying, nit picking and then ceramic flat ironing actually got a handle on the situation. Before that it was spiraling out of control.

  14. Went through this…..twice…….as in two different outbreaks about a year apart. I am pretty sure Hitler was reincarnated as a fucking lice……lie….li? Oh, whatever, you know what I’m saying!

    • dufmanno

      I saw one with an inferiority complex and a bad moustache. Made sure to singe him extra long with the 450 degree flat iron

  15. Once i was strapped to a spine board and left there for a few hours (supervised) of course. They were de-lousing a kid next to me. Guess what happened?

    • dufmanno

      Um, do you live in a bleak post 1984 Orwellian society where children are strapped to boards and left there while they shave the heads of the rest of the grey robed society to promote conformity and squash independent thought?
      Because this comment has me wondering if you just fly your time machine over to 2011 to drop hints about what horrible fate is going to befall us because you need me to plant the seeds of the revolution?
      Or maybe I’m reading too much into it.

  16. macdougalstreetbaby

    I weep for thee. Seriously.

    • Dufmanno

      I thank you for your tears of solidarity and I hope that shedding them has bestowed upon you the magical protections afforded to those who know how to empathize.
      In other words…may you never know this horror.

  17. michael freeman

    “with the skill and determination of a high- ranking vervet monkey”……best line ever……

    • dufmanno

      I’ll have you know I did research to find out exactly WHICH kind of monkey was the champion fur pelt picker.

  18. My mother informed me that my being ill worked out in my favor, as my sister and nieces visited on Sunday. The 6 year old brought lice with her!

    *SHUDDER*

    • dufmanno

      Once they come they like to settle down for awhile so make sure you get plenty of fabric spray and shower caps for when you visit. They may think a hazmat suit and goggles are over the top but I tell you woman THEY ARE NOT.
      Spare no expense and leave no cushion unturned.
      Better yet, feign illness until at least mid July.

  19. KeepingYouAwake

    I JUST realized you didn’t say “velvet monkey” and I’m sadder with that knowledge.

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