Praise the Lord and Pass the Ammunition

This is the best thing I've ever seen. Seriously I have no words.

 

O.K. I’m ready.

My bags are packed and the thermostat is set at an energy-efficient 68 degrees.

There is enough food in the house to take care of all the heathens left behind and a Pat Boone cd playing on a continuous loop over the sound system to help everyone reflect on the reasons they aren’t coming along.

Whatever it is you hell-hounds will be doing after I’ve been sucked up by the lords holy Hoover it is no more concern of mine.

Sadly, as optimistic as I sound I’m pretty much resigned to the fact that I’ll be hanging out here with everyone else come Rapture Saturday so let’s get out our party planners and throw a Sodom & Gomorrah themed bash that would make Jesus proud!

**Thanks to this person for the best picture of people being sucked into the sky that I’ve ever seen. Seriously.**

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23 Comments

Filed under are you sure the date is right, I'm still here, not invited, rapture saturday

23 responses to “Praise the Lord and Pass the Ammunition

  1. that holy hoover is hysterical. will there be skeet shooting of the christians getting sucked up in the sky at this S&G party?

    also isn’t rapture kind of a misnomer? won’t the real rapture be found here, away from the holiness?

    i may not be getting all of this rapture biz.

  2. Tom G.

    I confess, I am totally fascinated by the possibilities here. Imagine sitting at a ball game on Saturday and suddenly half the crowd floats away. Unless of course you are at a Yankees game. Then no one would, because Yankee fans are assholes.

    Seriously, this would be so cool! In fact, if it doesn’t happen now I am going to be disaapointed. It would make Monday morning the first one in my entire life where I actually looked forward to going to work! Also? Once I know I’m left behind and doomed to eternal damnation, I am going to finally let loose. It’ll be nothing but wild bachanalian debauchery from now till Armageddon! I mean the kids’ll be whisked off to heaven for sure, and lord knows the 15 years of marriage have qualified my wife for Sainthood, so look out! It’s like having a year long guys weekend!

    • dufmanno

      Wait, what the fuck did you just say about Yankees fans?
      Those are fighting words.
      I thought the rapture was last week because everyone who’s powered by blogger disappeared.

    • If I cared about baseball I would totally be offended. Also Rocco things we’re going to name the parasite after a Yankee. Rocco should probably start wearing a cup.

      I’m going to miss you and Duf.

      • Tom G.

        What? You are going to heaven? NO! You can’t leave now!

        Although, come to think of it, your pregnancy raises a thorny theological question. Is Baby Bug going to get a free ride to Heaven with Momma even though he hasn’t been baptized? Or, if Momma is a heanious heathen sinner, is God going to punish poor Baby Bug by leaving him on Earth with her?

        OK, this whole rapture thing is making my head hurt. Let’s go back to talking about crucifixion.

      • Tom G.

        PS- I hope the “yankee” is Yogi Berra.

        “Yogi Lonon” would be an awesome name.

  3. The lord hoover is brilliant. Sadly, I am a vampire heathen, thus, I am comdemned to eternal damnation or something like that *shrugs shoulders*

    Guess the 21st of May will be a great day for an ex-friend of mine who became a born-again Christian and told me I was going to hell because I loved Halloween and well you know, Halloween is SATANIC!

    My response was: “Good, we will all have a party in hell without you”
    then I flipped her the finger and went home to my cemetery crypt.

    Oh and I’m definitely in with the gun, I’ve got good aim from years of playing shoot them up video games. I reckon I’ll be able to spot the HUGE FAT ARSE of my ex-friend easily…mwah hah hah KAPOW Holy Rapture Batman…

    • dufmanno

      From that picture I have learned that the only people on the “up” elevator are apparently middle class, well dressed folks from the suburbs.

      • Oh yeah, I just noticed that as well. Bloody God is a snob I suppose…that’s okay, all the cool evil people wearing leather and piercings and tattoos will have a massive party…hell yeah

  4. I’m coming over to turn your thermostat up to 90. And then turn on the air conditioning. You’ll be in heaven, so you can’t stop me.

    • dufmanno

      The first class I’m signing up for in the afterlife of my rich rewards is going to be “HOW TO SMITE THY ENEMIES FROM AFAR”
      That power should be sufficient to move the thermostat back to where it belongs.

  5. dbs

    There’s no way the damn end of the world thing is going to ruin my long weekend.

    • dufmanno

      Perhaps it can “enhance” your long weekend by helping to lighten traffic?
      Shiny side of the coin my friend.

  6. I like to think the theme song for the rapture will be “minimum wage” by They Might Be Giants. Just because.

    • dufmanno

      I was going to go with “Armegeddon Days” by The The but They Might Be Giants is definately a better pick.
      Your rapture is so much more lighthearted than my rapture.

  7. So, with the end of the world, are we floating into the sky or burning to death? I’ve heard both and I’d kind of like to know what I’m up against.

    • Well, that depends on whose version of events you listen to.
      The nuns always let you know you’d be erupting in flames from the inside out from all the unconfessed sins that blackened your soul.
      Then you probably suffer from some sort of trampling injury when the horsemen of the apocalypse ride down your street before being torn limb from limb by imps carrying spears.
      If you listen to the rapture people you get to fly into the sky but the poor assholes left here are going to suffer.
      Bad.

  8. macdougalstreetbaby

    Not to be a sourpuss but this looks remarkably similar to the new Steven Spielberg movie coming out.

    • dufmanno

      I thought it smelled more like an M. Night Shamalammadingdong type scenario except you’d have to think of a quick switch ending and a not as menacing as hoped for evil doer.

  9. Just checking to see if you’ve survived…it’s 11pm PST May 20 here in the gayest city in America. That leaves me an hour to pack some Cheetos and my crotchless vinyl catsuit.

  10. I may never forget it:

    Rapture Saturday, my flat, 10.58 pm, UK time (just before 6pm in NY).

    On the sofa with the Brit.

    (Yes, vertical.)

    (For a while.)

    Degale – Groves fight on the telly and Twitter on the laptop.

    Laughing at various pre-crapture tweets.

    And then? The clock turns 10.59.

    There’s a rumble of thunder. The lights go out and the TV switches off.

    B and The Brit shit themselves simultaneously as the only light in the room is coming from rapture hashtagged tweets on the Macbook.

    11.00 pm: the lights and telly return. A branch had fallen in the wind outside and knocked a wire or something.

    Drinking ensues.

    HILARIOUS.

    (But not till much MUCH later.)

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