Parking Wars

There can be only one!

Parking Space.

I bet if I wore an outfit like this people would take me seriously. Get out of my space.

Sometimes I imagine myself as the bone chilling Kurgan from Highlander with a blistering soundtrack by Queen erupting from the surround sound in my Dodge Caravan as I yell about what a master of the universe I am while smashing my foot down on the gas pedal to get the lone spot faster than her.

I started arriving earlier and earlier for pickup to guarantee that I would be victorious but then suddenly she was on to me and she would dominate by coming a full two hours prior to do the grocery shopping for a double productivity whammy.

I used to feel bad because she had five kids to pick up in comparison to my relatively paltry three offspring but that guilt evaporated when I stopped to think about the fact that she gets PAID to do this because she’s a nanny and I’m just a breeder with bad hygiene and a penchant for being on time.

So when I loaded up and drove over to the school to stake my claim midday I watched for her dark blue vehicle of deception and skullduggery.

She took a loooongg slllooowww lap of capitulation around the lot before looking at me with  a mix of defeat and respect.

This one is for you space hog.

See what happens when you take what I want?

I erase all the plans for that day and make it my mission to sit my fat ass in the space you’ve got designs on. It’s mine.

You can pant and get as red in the face as you would like carrying those groceries up the hill while gazing over with equal parts anger and sadness. You should have driven into the grocery store lot instead of coming over here.

I win.

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26 Comments

Filed under I need a hobby, I want that space, lets fight, parking lot wars, surly nannies, the kurgan, winning

26 responses to “Parking Wars

  1. People don’t say skulduggery enough. It’s even better than poppy cock. I decree the word of the day to be skulduggery.

  2. Tom G.

    This is EXACTLY why a Wooly Mammoth is so much more practical than a Minivan. You could just have it sit on her car and squash it, and never have to worry about her again.

  3. That outfit is eerily similar to the one now being worn by speedtrap cops around here.

  4. I get home from work 45 minutes before my kids must be picked up from school, and that’s my time. I eat whatever I want and read whatever I want (online of course). And every day, I forget how mad I get when I leave my house at the last minute while shoving oreos in my gob, and I arrive to a very crowded school parking lot. And I curse and turn red and walk long distances to retrieve my children. And then I do it all the same the next day.

    • dufmanno

      I hate the car line.
      Despise it.
      That’s why I need the parking space. It releases me from the many difficult and hard to follow rules of the drive around pick up.
      Make sure the doors are open, come to a stop but DO NOT GET OUT TO ASSIST CHILDREN. Once children are in drive away quickly but not too quickly because you might hit one of the stupid kids who wandered out into the car line because of boredom or lack of knowledge of the rules. NEVER back up in carline. Never talk about car line. Make sure your car is clean so your rubbish does not blow away in the lot making more work for the school staff. Blah, blah blah…

  5. I’m just relieved this story didn’t end with your having a sword fight with this other woman, and that no heads were cut off…

    Love Highlander, but it always bugged me that Christopher whathisname had a shitty Scottish accent and how Sean Connery had a Scottish accent when he was meant to be Spanish…

    but the bad dude kicked ass and that soundtrack by Queen it is just legendary…

  6. arghhhh…I meant “with YOU having a sword fight”

    this is what happens when one is typing after drinking a Guinness…hic

    As you were…

  7. The wife and I were just talking about this the other day.

    I hate the parking game. Especially since my leg has been broken and I needed a closer spot, but they are dominated by all the really fat people at work, who really need to park in spots farther away.

    • dufmanno

      You need to step up your game and start arriving at 4:30 am. Either that or I recommend sleeping in the office. Never let someone take your spot.

  8. There are lots of spots at my nephew’s school. So many in fact some Moms want to take up two. Bitches.

    I need that hat.

    • dufmanno

      I have already hatched the outline for todays plot. I will be swinging into the parking spot early because I happen to know that the gym class that takes place outside will start exactly one hour prior to pick up and that NO ONE will have access to the gated area until it is over. Even if she wanted to park today she would get SHUT DOWN! NO ENTRY!
      I never take up two spaces. That’s as bad as running over a child.

  9. ‘Long lap of capitulation.’

    Pure genius.

    p.s. I never understand most of the comments on your posts. My personal theory is that you have your own code language and I am a poor linguist.

  10. dufmanno

    Also?
    Tom my blog is refusing to let me comment right under you and I know you gave me simple instructions on how to fix this problem but I forgot them as soon as you painstakinly wrote them out for me after taking time out of your busy schedule.
    BUT….
    That is the best fucking war mammoth I’ve ever seen. It’s got battle gear on for Christs sake! YES!!!!!!!!!

    • Tom G.

      I think the white fur hat goes nicely with the War Mammoth. Whether on a poster carried by throng of adoring peasants, or while pointing at vegetables, it has proven to be a very versatile accessory.

      • Tom G.

        Also, DASHBOARD / SETTINGS / Discussion / Enable Comments Nested ___ Levels Deep.

        When are you just going to give me a password so I can manage this blog for you?

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