Baby Anarchy ( An Ode To Elly Lou)

I just wrote a tweet to Elly Lou to watch her back because babies are dangerous anarchists and untamed fetuses are ever WORSE. Nevermind what all those soft warm pastel covered books tell you, be PREPARED.

You think I'm joking? Wait until the campaign of sleepless terror!

 

Johnny Rotten’s got nothing on a baby.

As I recall the perils of working with such an unpredictable and volatile creature I begin to shake and sweat as the memories of the vomiting, screaming, lack of sleep and fear of death come rushing back in a wave of terror.

Take the ride. It sounds so cute.

 

Yeah, yeah, they have those big doe eyes, button noses and they smell like the beguiling scent that wafts off angels as they fly away but that’s how they get you.

“You want to wake up HOW many times a night? Forty seven? ABSOLUTELY! I am THERE with you!”

“You don’t want to have your feet touch the ground until you are ten? Come jump into Mommy’s arms and I shall CARRY you everywhere you need to go!”

Sadly, this was my method of parenting and now I’m clearly paying the price as my kids don’t understand how a fork and knife work and never learned to climb stairs so maybe this isn’t entirely true?

Happy Friday.

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22 Comments

Filed under an ode to Elly, babies are small anarchists, bugginword owns fridays

22 responses to “Baby Anarchy ( An Ode To Elly Lou)

  1. Tom G.

    This would make a great country song.

    It is possible to play country music with a Uke?

    • Dufmanno

      I’m not sure but I thought there needed to be at least one downtrodden lovelorn lady named Lucille and a hard drinking but soft hearted cowboy?
      No?
      I should probably clarify for those out there that can’t believe I wrote such things about babies that I get a pass because it’s April fools day and I one of my babies actually was a full throttle anarchist from birth until this moment.
      He is currently pretending his name is “mowhawk” and is calling in coordinates for an airstrike from his booster seat.

  2. So many reasons not to reproduce.

    Though I am delighted that Elly’s genes are being multiplied.

    And, come to that, that yours have been.

    Kinda restores ones faith in the next generation.

    – B x

    • dufmanno

      Sometimes I think my kids are aliens and that I had nothing to do with this madness but then I remember all those pregnancy tests and shocked looks and I come back to reality.

  3. Elly Lou

    Well I feel SOOOO much better now. *sigh*

    • dufmanno

      Didn’t you read the part about how they smell like Angel exhaust?
      That is AWESOME!
      Also?
      Babies actually shit out rainbows. Don’t let the mustardy stuff fool you, that’s the color it makes when the entire light spectrum combines in their tiny colons.

  4. I never reproduced…born without maternal genes I think….

    I experienced going to the supermarket early the other morning, and it was me and mothers with screaming children.

    They’re like mini drunks, stumbling along the isles muttering to themselves…
    (the children that is, not the mothers)

    • dufmanno

      My middle one was like a inebriated slug wavering all over the place but #1 & #3 were like Road Runner with extra rocket boosters attached to their asses.
      Il Duce was skip running backwards full tilt in the Whole Foods not an hour ago and collided with an elderly shopper with such force we were able to flee the scene before she was able to get up and collect herself.
      Jet propulsion enthusiasm!

  5. We’re going to freak Elly the hell out, man. I will refrain from telling you about the colic and the time I spent in the hospital with the . . . wait, she’s still lurking here, isn’t she? Elly, honey, it’s time to go to your happy place while the other ladies talk, m’kay?

    Love the anarchy bit. Soo, so true.

    • dufmanno

      I just feel like any rules that normal people live by were destroyed while our whole lives crumbled into the large piles of ruined debris we currently have all over. I put flowers on them.
      The first three months were a decent into madness for me.
      I was like Kurtz from Heart of Darkness. But with a baby.
      Seriously though.
      Elly do not freak the fuck out.
      It’s super fun and your boobs will soon take on the kind of importance your vagina only dreams about.

  6. Dufmanno

    Also you can totally start a band. I have enough kids to fill out a rhythm section and a spare for
    Vocals!
    My tube sock wearing friend has SEVEN kids. SEVEN.
    Oh
    Stewart.

  7. Should we tell Elly that she’ll most likely poop while pushing little Zigzag or Couscous out of her vagina? Speaking of the vagina…there will likely be stitches too!

    Yay for the beauty of childbirth.

    • Dufmanno

      My kids opted for the other exit and I got a fistful of Percocet which made me feel warm and happy.
      Good times all around.

  8. Oh my, now I remember why I never had children….it was that BIRTH video that sent me screaming out of the room. Worse than any alien film…

  9. i want that fucking onesie!

    i had the same parenting style as you, fortunately my daughter had a babysitter 5 days a week and sometimes on the weekend (i refused to give up my life on the weekends and not go out because “i didn’t want my baby spending anymore time with the sitter”) and said babysitter taught my daughter how to walk, eat with utensils, go on the potty and such. i should have paid her more, come to think of it. she did the real important shit.

    • dufmanno

      Now I wish I’d had a sitter. Things would probably be a LOT more civilized around here. I’d probably be a lot less cranky as well.

  10. I love my kid. And I am so glad she is not a baby any more.

    • dufmanno

      Still, I’m looking at that great baby onesie and thinking of buying it for my dog. I wish I’d had it together enough in the early years to buy clever clothes for my kids.

  11. Babies are aliens sent to earth to control our lives. It’s settled.

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