This weekend I experienced the heartwarming joy of driving over seven hours to a family function with my mother in the passenger seat.
For those of you who are unfamiliar with her hijinks consider yourself lucky.
Every time there was any kind of question that required critical thinking or common sense with regards to the directions the papers flew in the air and the ear-splitting screaming started.
Here is an example.
D: There is a split in the highway coming up which way to the directions say we have to go?
Mom:What?! Uh, I don’t FREAKING KNOW?! WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU THAT YOU DIDN’T KNOW THIS WAS COMING!?
D: Well, I’ve never been this way before so lets just veer north since that makes sense.
Mom: Oh great. Why don’t you just guess because that will get us there quicker. Why can’t we wait for (name removed for privacy) car to catch up and we can follow them?
D: Well, they keep stopping to pee and get coffee so I’m not waiting for them let’s just go this way.
Mom: (papers fly all over as she throws them dramatically as she gets on her cell phone and dials the other parties of our family pilgrimage who are also on their way)
D: Who are you calling?
Mom: ( ignoring me & talking to her sister who answers the phone in the other car)
DUFMANNO NEEDED TO LEAVE BECAUSE SHE CAN’T WAIT FOR ANYONE SO NOW WE ARE TOTALLY LOST AND WE’LL NEVER GET THERE! SO GOOD LUCK AND MAYBE WE’LL SEE YOU LATER.
D:We aren’t lost! Look there is the sign we need coming up
Mom: (throwing and rustling the papers again for full effect still talking to her sister) I know. She never listens. Whatever, I’m done arguing about it because we are completely without a compass here and she just keeps on driving and plowing ahead without any idea about what she’s doing. Not a care in the world, just keeps on driving.
D: WE AREN’T LOST! THERE IS THE SIGN!
Mom: (sighs into the phone) yup, okay. God willing we will see you before tomorrow.
D: Okay, there’s the exit sign we need do the directions say that I should take 24A west or 24B east?
Mom: (throws papers in the air) HOW THE HELL SHOULD I KNOW?!!! I CAN’T SEE THAT FROM HERE, WHAT ARE YOU EVEN SAYING?!
Anyway, now we are safely in our hotel room with our entire family waiting to attend our function while Helen Keller is digging in her purse cursing the “too small” room key that she keeps misplacing.
Details to follow…