And THAT, Officer, Is How I Came To Have Human Teeth In This Ziplock Bag

Occasionally I am astounded by what can be produced with enough hours, concentration and multiple cups of coffee.

More often than not though, I end up with something like todays uninspired and mildly disturbing post.

Back in the day when the first central incisors began to wiggle free of their gummy moorings my children started dreaming of the small fortune they imagined would accrue in their bank accounts after teeth began falling from their small heads.

I remember telling my oldest about the rewards you reaped from the sparkly winged fairy who visited you while you slept and like the best stealth masked bandit quietly lifted your pillow to take the priceless enamel nugget and left you with cash.

The promise of endless riches swept her off her feet so powerfully that I caught her reaching into her own mouth like an untamed savage to brutally yank a bloody tooth that was not quite yet ready to disengage only to have her present it to me like it was made of gold. And I suppose in her mind it was.

After the initial giddiness of the moment wore off she began to really consider what she was in for.

A visit from a strange mythical creature in the dead of night who was going to get close enough to her peacefully sleeping form to take something from underneath her head.

At this point I noticed she began reconsidering her options.

Could she still get money if this “tooth fairy” wasn’t involved?

Would it be possible to keep the teeth so she could look at them?

Yes and yes.

So this, my friends, is where we began the Dufmanno family tradition of giving each child a small clear jar with a top where they could keep anything that fell out of or off of their bodies.

Stay away tooth shrew. Notice the "jar" in the backround.

 

The fear of being visited by a crafty wood sprite imbued with the power of flight and an endless supply of quarters was passed down through the sibling line through powerful storytelling and intimidation.

 At this point I think she has fangs and a chainsaw but I’m not sure.

Are you fucking kidding me? I'm assuming it's like this but with sharper teeth and a weapon.

Anyway, my youngest lost three teeth in the last month and I’ve neglected to buy him his very own “jar” so being the crafty minx I am I put them safely in a ziplock bag that currently resides in my purse. Yesterday while digging around for a receipt it worked its way to the surface horrifying several onlookers so I thought about the ramifications of keeping body parts like a trophy collecting serial killer.

 I suppose if I get rid of that bone saw in my trunk I should be fine.

The above picture of the tooth fairy from Ridley Scott’s Alien was taken from here

Someone needs to purchase this deviant art so this person can pay for their therapy bills.

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36 Comments

Filed under morbid, mythical creature fears, the cops will totally understand, the tooth fairy will kill you, we like human parts, why would you save that

36 responses to “And THAT, Officer, Is How I Came To Have Human Teeth In This Ziplock Bag

  1. dufmanno

    Oh and apparently I’m mistaken. The above tooth fairy from the bowels of your darkest nightmares was in fact modeled after the tooth fairy from Hellboy 2. Silly me.

  2. Tom G.

    OK, I’ll buy the tooth story, but I’m still waiting for an explanation for the scalps hanging from your rearview mirror.

    • dufmanno

      That’s a post for another day.
      For you information no cavewoman worth her salt shies away from pelt or scalp removal. How do you think I got that fur bikini?

      • dufmanno

        See? I even talk like a cavewoman
        FOR YOU INFORMATION.
        It’s like conversing with Sasquatch

      • Tom G.

        Sigh… if only. I had really hoped by now that we would have captured a Sasquatch in the wild. Just another of my childhood dreams that never came to pass.

  3. I’m so depressed. If I had a jar of my missing body parts, it would have to be the size Costco sells.

  4. When I was a young woman, venturing out into the world on my own for the first time, my mother presented me with a small plastic box, the kind that you buy pins in at the fabric store, full of all the teeth that I had lost in my life, including the four wisdom teeth I had pulled when I was 18.
    It was so gross.
    I treasure it.

    • dufmanno

      I’m wiping away tears.
      It is my dream that someday I can present my children with the cast off bits of themselves that they lost along the way while under my watchful eye.
      As long as no one fashions any kind of necklace or jewelry with them I’m all for it.

  5. Atleast the cops haven’t found the testicles in your ice cube trays yet.

    • dufmanno

      Everyone knows that the best way to display testicles is dried out and nailed to a rusty “KEEP AWAY” sign on your fence.

  6. Awesome…I feel better knowing that I am not the only one who has carried around pieces of children. I had a baggy full of my daughter’s teeth and the pin placed in her arm. I thought she would appreciate it later…she told me I could keep them.

    • dufmanno

      Shouldn’t everyone carry pieces of children around? A discarded toe nail here, a lost tooth there, metal pins and removed stiches.
      These are the little things memories are made of.

  7. Teeth gross me out. I mean, teeth that are no longer a part of your smile gross me out. I had no idea until recently that my husband has been keeping our children’s teeth in his top drawer nightmare. I was horrified. And a little nervous.

    • dufmanno

      You know what part of the tooth I find the most fascinating? The dental pulp inside. That and the roots.
      Teeth are fucking freaky but not as disturbing as the ancient greedy fairy who is in need of them to stay alive.
      You know she grinds them up and powers a tiny jet pack with them.

  8. i still have the plantar’s wart that i had removed from my heal in a jar. but that has its own cardiovascular system (veins, valve and all) so i feel its worth preserving in the name of medical science and organ donation.

  9. I do not keep my kid’s teeth…….now I feel a little bad about it.

    Okay, it passed.

    • dufmanno

      You could steal in under cover of darkness with a cloroform soaked rag and a set of pliers and rectify this situation.

      • The chloroform seems so merciful and they have been rather expensive to raise. Wouldn’t the fur-lined cuffs I already own be cheaper. I think I have duct tape too. Surely I can get by with the on-hand supplies.

        Although, this redo may not provide the loving memories we are going for when I present the blood stained jars to them…….in, like, a year and 3 years. Hmmm. Plus, I’m afraid the older one can take me, he’s just waiting for the right moment.

  10. Have you seen subWOW? I am Desperately Seeking subWOW? ……..aww hell…now I have to take a Madonna break.

    Also, tomorrow is Elly’s big reveal. Just sayin’. Not that I think you forgot. Obvs.

    • dufmanno

      SubWOW must be back by now. I know she was hard at work somewhere.
      Come home soon.

    • I spotted her on facebook briefly, does that count?

      I have a reveal tomorrow?

      • dufmanno

        Um. I ran over to your place and started crying because I have been laboring under the delusion that today is Friday.
        Yes.
        So now that I know that it is NOT , in fact, Friday I can manage to wait until the proper unveiling.
        I think.

  11. Not that I’m admitting any connection to the TF but our kids’ lost teeth have also been saved in respective glass jars (recycled Gerber ones, to be precise.) I have no idea why. I think it’s simply further evidence that I am a hoarder by nature. Maybe I’ll string ’em all together and practice some voodoo.

  12. I’m canceling tomorrow’s surprise so I can build a not-quite-two-foot sculpture of that tooth fairy out of my discarded toenails.

    • dufmanno

      You build as many sculptures as you want but NEVER cancel a surprise.
      That’s like planning a party themed completely around Carvel’s Ice Cream Cake Roll and then serving garbanzo beans coated in paprika.

  13. My Mom still has my teeth. She says its all for the “just in case” instance that my DNA is needed.

  14. My kids don’t have any teeth. I think it was all the battery acid and Pepsi Max they ingested as infants.

    Teeth are so overrated anyway.

  15. I kept two of my wisdom teeth that were removed ages ago as they were implanted or whatever it’s called. I found them the other day and amused myself thinking I should make them into earrings ha ha…but they’re not cool enough, now if they were razor sharp incisor vampire teeth, then, that would be cool, but sadly, those teeth, are still attached to me, I need them to drink blood you see…oh well *shrugs shoulders and crawls back into coffin*

    • dufmanno

      You need to draw a face on your teeth with a Sharpie marker. One angry, one happy. Then bring them out according to the mood you are in.

  16. You know I have been meaning to come over and left a comment the day I read your post. i’m sad I didn’t get to do so but what are the odds on the same day, before I even saw your post, I found an entire tooth in the outer pocket of my tooth. AN ENTIRE TOOTH! That sounds worse than a serial killer…

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