The Lesser Of Two Evils

Sometimes as I sit cloaked in darkness watching Naked Shower Guy wash, rinse and repeat during his soapy morning ritual it dawns on me that his frothy shenanigans wouldn’t have been possible in the not too distant past.

You see, a few years ago building a retaining wall covered in poisonous spikes and keeping a bat with rusty nails embedded in it wouldn’t have been seen as an overreaction to the occasional crime sprees and drug related shootings we were prone to back then.

Not quite Escape From New York nor Main Street U.S.A but somewhere blurry and weird in between.

Like Purgatory.

Anyway, Naked Shower Guy takes his long luxurious lather up on the third floor of a completely renovated four story row house across the alley from mine. His has all the bells and whistles and an addition that while not historically accurate makes great use of space.

Perhaps that’s why he couldn’t afford curtains or a distracting window decal?

He would probably be interested to know about the day that they found the dead body in the garage next to his or the fun that my 18 month old and I had trying to guess the status of the guy who had driven his car into the alley and half fallen out of it.

Was he breathing?

Taking a nap?

Expired?

One of my favorite memories was the look on her small smiling clueless face as she inquired in broken English “Mommy, he dead?”

“No honey” I responded “he’s just taking a break.”

If you left your filthy reeking sneakers outside it would only be a matter of time before some shoeless fella was slipping them on and sprinting into the night regardless of comfort or fit. And even the kids clothes hung up and draped on a railing became tight-fitting half shirts for the local crack whore.

I expect now that my neighborhood has become a much changed place over the last few years with houses selling for nearly a million dollars and new people who expect you to line up your recycling bins in perfectly straight rows that there are many who would find it very difficult to accept the occasional roving vagrant or hovering police helicopter looking for criminals with its spotlight. These folks would probably want to accuse me of fabricating this whole case scenario so that property values might plummet and good decent people will run screaming from this war zone.

Not so.

Instead I am thrilled to see the wild bubble covered abandon with which NSG can go at it and not have to look out his partially steamed window only to see the faces of the old guard scooping up his walkway lights and ceramic garden gnomes for resale up on the corner.

And so the standoff continues. Who will be the first to cave and buy window treatments?

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23 Comments

Filed under curtains keep all the fun out, DC, my neighborhood, naked shower guy

23 responses to “The Lesser Of Two Evils

  1. If only your neighbour knew, he is being referred to as Naked Shower Guy, then again, maybe he knows, and he reads your blog and purposely continues to flash himself in all his naked glory so you continue to write about him.

    Speaking of Escape from New York, maybe Naked Shower Guy is Snake Plissken…

    • dufmanno

      Not unless Snake removes his eye patch during bathing sessions and something tells me he doesn’t remove that for ANYTHING.

  2. Tom G.

    I wonder what Naked Shower Guys do for property values? I can see the real estate listing now…

    “3 Bedroom, 2 bath, Colonial town home. Close to park, Quiet neighborhood, good schools, naked shower guy.”

    • dufmanno

      More like 3 bedroom 2 bath crumbling row house with bad plumbing neighbors prone to public displays of nudity and one guy who can’t stop lining up my fucking garbage cans in size order!

  3. Exactly how much time does he spend “lathering” each day?

    • dufmanno

      He’s seemingly more concerned with washing and conditioning his hair. Although I never have the nerve to stare for the whole bathing session.
      I like to flip lights on full blast so he knows I’m here and sometimes I’m so comatose I barely notice him but the other day he took “extra long”.

  4. yeah, i would hold out on the window treatment too!

    • dufmanno

      When we revamped the back of the house I couldn’t believe how much light poured into the once dank dark recesses so I’m never putting up curtains.
      I’m okay with naked shower guy if he’s okay with me. Honestly, I feel we’ve reached a silent agreement.

  5. Wow, that is really, really fast gentrification. Was the root of the change the government or the hipsters?

    • dufmanno

      In the last ten years or so home prices skyrocketed here and people realized it was a great place to live most of the time. Occasionally we get a shooting or a robbery but you are just as likely to buy the farm in Bethesda as you are here.
      The local school stinks but almost everyone does private or throws themselves into the out of boundary lottery for the stellar public schools near Friendship Heights.

  6. I used to live in a house where my backyard was bordered on one side by a guy’s living room windows, making it super convenient for me to weed the garden and watch him watch porn in his tighty whiteys at the same time.
    It’s these little things that give neighborhoods character and make them so charming. That, and perfectly aligned recycling bins.

    • dufmanno

      I have to break out my binoculars but I bet I can find a neighbor with a porn fetish if I try hard and keep at it.

  7. I loved the flow of this. Even if it’s about spying on a naked guy (which I would also do)

    I love going for walks in the dark and seeing glimpses of people’s lives in the their lit houses as I go past. Not in a creepy way, I S W E A R. In a “People are neato” way.

    • dufmanno

      I do this in neighborhoods where I want to live and think about how easy it would be to tie up the family in the basement so I can use their houses for awhile.
      People are neato!

  8. There is something fantastic about Naked Shower Guy’s bravado. I think he should continue to go window treatment-less, as should you. It’s like the two of you have a budding relationship, only he doesn’t know about it, maybe. Unless somewhere out here there is a blog being written about the hot chick who has no window treatments and likes to watch him take showers in the mornings. 😉

    • dufmanno

      I’m sure he’s more concerned about the completion of the extensive renovations going on at the house that fell right the fuck off itself, which is connected to his.
      I bet a day doesn’t go by that he wonders “what if my house collapses right into the structurally unsound dwelling that fell right the fuck off itself?”
      That’s got to be worrisome.

  9. NSG reminds me of my beloved who, as he prances around the house naked, often answers my pleas to please put on clothes, “that’s what they get for looking through my window.”

    • dufmanno

      I don’t do naked prancing for fear of the neighborhood action committee which I believe consists only of bin line up guy and lady who won’t let dogs feet touch the city streets. Those guys have a LOT of time on their hands.

  10. Hahahaha! That sounds a lot like where I live but I haven’t seen any dead bodies yet!

  11. But is anyone watching you watch him?

    That was creepy. How about overloading his mailbox with sale flyers from Blinds-to-Go…

  12. What I can’t understand is…

    WHY is this an issue???

    Sound perfectly divine to me.

    Is he Spanish, by any chance?

    Just asking.

    – B x

  13. We don’t have window treatment in this house… Honeycomb blinds. When the rope broke and we were too cheap or too last to replace it we just left the blinds hand where they were…

    This whole gentrification thing…

    At least you’ll get a Starbucks right next door right? Starbucks. The harbinger of gentrification.

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