The Confirmation Reception Made Me Feel Bleak.

Sometimes there are no words.

I have had four weeks of agonizing over every detail having to do with the confirmation reception taking place at my kid’s school this weekend.

Nevermind that I don’t even HAVE a child being “confirmed” during this Catholic hazing and indoctrination ritual where you promise to become a “soldier” of Christ and take a bat shit crazy second middle name to add to the impressive length and importance  of your probably already heavily laden moniker.

You become like catholic rock star royalty but without swords or any real abilities or importance.

In other words another reason to hold a ceremony followed by cake.

Then I was told I would have to procure balloons in the colors of the holy spirit so I had to send out an SOS email to a group of people holier than me apologizing for not knowing this right off the bat after 12 years of Catholic education.

Who the hell looks at the holy spirit? Doesn’t gazing upon something like that cause your eyes to spring from their sockets in flames anyway.

Who would want to talk about the colors of the damned dove that flew by with licks of phoenix like fire emanating from his super awesomeness after being maimed like that?

I ,for one, certainly would be keeping my mouth shut.

Anyway, someone took mercy on me and explained the color scheme for the evening after I got many and varied descriptions of what it should look like.

My last hurdle to vault over for this event will be the fucking cake and since words are failing me I will let you have a look at what’s out there.

Stupid, ugly, boring but correct

 

Has flames but sends wrong message

 

Getting warmer, almost perfect..thank you cakewrecks

 

Holy spirit pleased with reception color scheme.

Good job! Great colors! Delicious cake!

Displeased Holy spirit.

I've come to rip your eyes from their sockets! Why did you make me look like a chicken hawk you heretic!!

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30 Comments

Filed under bad catholic, cakes and balloons on fire, I hate throwing parties, this post sucks

30 responses to “The Confirmation Reception Made Me Feel Bleak.

  1. I always thought the Holy Ghost was hot pink.

    And you get cake for being Catholic? Maybe I’ve been too hasty in avoiding religion.

    • dufmanno

      I don’t even freaking know anymore. After sifting slowly through so many incarnations on google images I’m starting to believe he’s going to come crashing through my front window in a furious rage and burn me to a crisp using only that sweet little leaf he’s always carrying in his mouth.

      Oh, and the cake is to make up for all the suffering.

  2. What about black balloons? Black goes with everything.

    • dufmanno

      I ordered black AND flame colored.
      So I’m going with a red, yellow, orange, black and white combination for every cluster. Or clusterfuck depending on how you look at it.
      Also, the holy spirit lollipops ended up looking like dildos but that’s not my handiwork.

      • At least you can go around asking people if people have the holy spirit in them when people are licking the lollies.

        That’s a gross phrase: Licking the lollies. I hate it.

  3. orjustbeth

    Wait, so.. what color is the Holy Spirit?
    I had a similar feeling when my family decided that since I sometimes do wedding flowers for my friends, I should be the one to select flowers for my dad’s funeral. And since I didn’t think anyone else would think it was funny if I made him a big bouquet of pink roses, it took all the fun out of it.

    • dufmanno

      I’m not really sure since most people having a run in with him/her/it are usually being destroyed or maimed.
      Although if I remember correctly he makes nice people all smiley and glowing and they also get an extra lick of flame over their head indicating that they are super holy.
      Sadly, I fear if he were to visit me it would be to melt my face off with his hot vengeful breath before pecking me to death so I’ll avoid him thanks.
      Also pink for a funeral sounds divine.

  4. The Holy Spirit is just so tricky. I bet he’s got a Lady Gaga thing going on — never looks the same twice.

    • dufmanno

      What do you want to bet that the holy spirit hatched from an egg JUST like Lady GaGa’s?
      The only thing better would be if muppets sang back up.
      I think I’m going to have to step it up and have Prince at the reception to release white doves.

  5. this is further subterfuge by the catholic church. everyone knows the holy trinity is sting, andy summers, and stewart copeland, and stewart is the holy spirit. have these people not ever heard of spirits in the material world? christ almighty.
    yours in spirit,
    patty marie elizabeth culligan

    ps: happy valentines day you little devil! ♥

    • dufmanno

      You know the cover of Zenyatta Mondatta proves the trinity thing right?
      Guess who’s at the top of the triangle?
      yours in Christ,
      Kelly Ann Marie Stone

  6. You do realize you can just have cake without all of this stress. Hell, I will send you one. He Who Loves All Things Wicked has this amazing Ace of Cakes thing going on….like no kidding….check out the FB pics of the Tiffany box and owls he made. Awesome. Point is, this seems like way too much trouble and stress just to add more names and eat cake.

    • dufmanno

      Yeah, but I thrive on the tension and stress created by the whole swirling mass of confusion and disappointment.
      Did He Who Loves All Things Wicked dabble in the culinary arts prior to your courtship because DAMN!

  7. Good lord.. Cake?
    No one offered me cake. Only heavy gold jewelry befangled with saints and catholic chochkie bookmarks. Gold being so godly n-all.

    • dufmanno

      I got a gold crucifix to drape around my neck so as to remind my potential suitors that I was a chaste and wholesome lass that would remain pure until someone thought to ask for my hand in holy matrimony!
      That worked out well.

  8. Did you do the last pic? That looks like the holy spirit attacking a heretic. I thought the holy spirit would be pleased! My oldest is going thru this next year. Oh hell… I’ll ask you for help then

    • dufmanno

      Yeah, I could only find “happy” photos of the holy spirit so I had to doctor one up to make him look disgruntled.
      It helps to know he can turn on a dime.
      Call me when yours is going through this next year. I’ll send him a sword and a list of highly comical saints names to choose from. I almost picked Perpetua as a joke.

  9. Tom G.

    Holy Flaming Paraclete!!!!!!!

    I’m digging the angry dove with flames shooting out his ass. It would make an awesome tattoo. If he ever visits me I hope that’s how he reveals himself, cause the Holy Spirit is like the hitman for Christ. He’s the part of the trinity that kicks ass and takes names.

    I still kick myself for choosing “Paul” instead of “Bonifacious” for my confirmation name.

    • I’m sort of angry. So if I had been raised Catholic instead of ______(insert mystery religion here) I would have gottten to choose a name to add to my dull name? Or is it only for boys? Because if not, I would have gone for a classic name, like Leticia. Yes, I have been watching Spartacus again, but notice I didn’t say Great Jupiter’s Cock and soil this conversation about the Holy Spirit? Well, until now.

      • No no… it’s not just for boys. And you too can join! Yippee! Although there was some confusion when the Bishop got to me.. the girl named Ryan — so I went with the girliest saint name I could find… Unfortunately Gebetrude never caught on as a mainstream replacement…

      • I can relate to this. All of my spam snail mail arrives in the form of Mr. Shawn ______. Telemarketers call and ask me if they can speak to Mr. Shawn ______. Really? It makes for a great deal of fun. Unless I’m in a foul mood. In which case I refer them to my parents house. Yes, that’s right, I have actually given telemarketrs my parents phone number and told them to call and ask for Mr. Shawn _____. Then I wait 20 minutes or so and call my mother and say, ” Thanks again for the boys name. I’m still loving it. How’s YOUR day going?” Bwahahaha.
        On a lighter note, I’m not sure I[‘m allowed to be Catholic just for the name, I think they may expect something in return. It is reciprocal. No? (hijacking apology)

    • dufmanno

      Dude. Descripto strikes again.
      “the holy spirit is like the hitman for Christ”
      Also, I noticed years of ruler beatings forced your typing hand to capitalize “Holy Spirit” or is that just because it’s his/her/it’s proper name?
      I still think people are going to start stoning me if I utter the word Jehovah.

  10. I would think transparent balloons to be the best choice, no? And they should definitely be helium filled.

    As for the cake, I see two boxes side by side. On top of one reads, “Yes” and the other, “No.” Underneath, the instructions, “Please vote.” This is all about confirmation, right?

    • dufmanno

      I can already feel the hard unforgiving gazes of the churchfolk, sigh.
      I actually did go with some transparent balloons just to give the partygoers a feeling that not everything about the sacrament is shrouded in a cloud of mystery and incense.
      Also?
      Finger sandwiches!

  11. Everyone knows the Holy Spirit is mylar colored. You know, because those are more expensive. Oh, and he also buys magazine subscriptions and wrapping paper whenever it is offered to support a “good” school.

    • dufmanno

      I added a mylar component when my inadequacies began surfacing during the finger sandwich choosing ritual.
      Sally Foster wrapping paper has caused me to add a wing to the rear of my house for present “assembly”.

  12. Boy, have I missed your posts since I am hardly online these days due to not having a permanent internet connection/home/job…sigh

    Wonder if the artist who baked that cake with Jesus holding a pet dinosaur is aware he/she is going to hell just for even thinking of doing that? Oh the joys of Catholicism, I was a traumatised child who used to hide in my room when a horrid giant penguin-like creature would come to drag me to Sunday school, took me years to stop associating penguins with Catholic nuns…

    *Goes to look at cover of Zenyatta Mondatta and light a candle to pray to Sting*

  13. dufmanno

    The penguins leave deep scars but don’t fret, they all go to hell! HAHAHAHA!

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