This Is The Speech I Want To Hear Someday


Like I’ve said before, there are times when doing the emperors bidding wears you down and makes you long for a two week vacation to Tahiti.

Il Duce was especially demanding today when his needs were not getting met within milliseconds of the request going out so it should  come as  no surprise that I’m wrapped up tightly  in a blanket on the second floor of my house typing quietly so he cannot find me using the powers of his super human ears.

Nobody told me there would be days like these. Strange days indeed.

Okay, so I’m being melodramatic but every once in a while I imagine that all the backbreaking work yields spectacular results and he goes supernova during adulthood.

Supernova enough to get mommy a beach house and a jet.

So it is with this in mind that I let myself pretend that I’m sitting in the back of a lavishly furnished hall filled to capacity while my son gives his retirement speech at 25 years of age after selling his gazillion dollar company to some shmuck who REALLY  wanted it.

*Tap* *Tap*

“Is this thing on?”

(muffled laughter)


Wow thank you Bill , for those kind words.

It was indeed four years ago that I came into this building through the creaky industrial metal front door. If I had known then what a roller coaster ride we were in for I might have turned tail and run my motherfucking ass RIGHT back out into the street but thankfully for all of us, I did NOT.

 Ignorance was bliss in those days and we forged ahead with this radical new plan, completely chuffed that we were getting a chance to spread this new groundbreaking technology throughout the world.

I’ll keep it brief but I do want to tell you how much I have appreciated some of the things that make this company so special – not just the business end of things but the people as well.

Comrades, I am leaving but I will be watching your mind-blowing progress with interest from afar. And by “afar” I mean the beach of an uncharted tropical island I’ve purchased.  I am certain you will all go on to achieve far better things than I did. If my legacy to you was time spent building this place up, your legacy to me is one of friendship, loyalty and promise.

I have just one final point to make – that is to thank the only person who is 100% responsible for everything I have achieved in my life, my beloved mother.

There were times that I drove her completely insane, screamed, yelled demanded of her and she never gave up on me. It is by some kind of divine intervention that she did not leave me on a highway overpass after four mind melding hours in traffic that I spent loudly mimicking  the noise  made by the creepy dead child from The Grudge.

I consider myself lucky to never have tasted the punishing tang of soap for the string of jaw dropping profanities that came so fast and furious out of my small mouth from the moment I could speak and the fact that I was never tied up outside on a dog leash to work off excess energy is a testament to her superior parenting.

Those threats I made to throw my siblings into a lava pit that I would purchase when I grew up and got rich were clearly never acted upon and I send my love to my sister and brother who couldn’t be here today.

So here’s to you mom and that sparkling new glass and steel structure I built you overlooking the clear crystal blue sea.

I now raise my glass to you and say farewell.

Get in! I'll drive you to my lava pit!





Filed under am I doing anything right?, bad parenting, beach house, boys with serious attitude, can I have a normal day, difficult child, disasters, failure, il duce is five, inability to think on my feet

46 responses to “This Is The Speech I Want To Hear Someday

  1. Dufmmano Island here we come!!!

    My bags are packed and my teeth are flossed. Let’s go!

    • dufmanno

      That little fucker better pull through with the island purchase. I’m not sweating over perfect measurements for his glass of Ovaltine for nothing.

  2. You dream big Girl. I’ll be happy if ours are out of the house, and not incarcerated by 25.

  3. Twice this week I have shouted at my kids, “I AM NOT YOUR SERVAAAAAANT!!!” I hate being bossed by these mini-people. They’re tyrants! I consider it a success that my five year old is finally wiping her own ass this year. And she always demanded I wipe, not her father. Because I am the master shit wiper. And I’m putting that on my business card.

  4. While stressing over these fucking Senior Portraits and Invitations, AGAIN tonight, after working 10 hours today, The Narcissist informed me that his trip to Chicago for his scholarship competition into his “college of choice”, which is a private, great books college and will be one of the best for him with his specialty of European History (ie, crippling debt for me and him never making any money, but pursuing his dream…yay!!!) is NEXT WEEKEND!! He has known this for a month, but failed to mention it, because, ya know, my schedule is so….freeflowing. Little bastard. I’m pretty sure the hospital gave me the wrong kid! European History. Blonde Hair. Six feet tall. WTF???!!!

    • Quickly, let’s make them wear dorky glasses and fake buck teeth!

      I have to tell you, since HERE on Dufmanno Island is a neutral ground, I started having panic attack when I read Tom’s post today. MY BABY IS NEVER GOING TO KISS A GIRL! HE IS NEVER GOING TO GO GIRL CRAZY! AND I AM TAKING DOWN THAT PORCH SWING!

      Somebody slap some sense into me!

      So… I know you are mad… But… are you going to Chicago then??? Wocka wocka.

      • I think you have found the real reason behind Tiger Mom’s. It isnLt to make their kids succesful, it’s to keep them away from the opposite sex for as long as possible. Thank goodness my folks were permissive and somewhat naive.
        They made adolescence a lot more fun than violin practice and studying for SAT’s.

        Thanks Mom!

      • In defense of both of the sexes, my kids have kissed….and even told me about it……the one about to graduate…or have me kill him as he attempts to graduate has even done more than kiss….and told me about it. (I hate myself for this whole open communication thing) BUT, they have maintained a very healthy balance between interest in the opposite sex and knowing what is important, like getting into college, where all of the REALLY hot members of the opposite sex will be waiting for them!

      • dufmanno

        At least they don’t keep a den of sex monkeys that get put in jail for kissing after a long and brutal rampage throught the house.’
        That sounds worse than it actually is.

  5. Oh dear Mistress of the Dufmanno Island. I love this post. I laughed and I cried. And I believe that Mr. Monk and Future Lava Pit Owner share many many personality traits. I hear you.

    And sorry for loitering on your Island and randomly shouting at your other guests.

  6. You are one hell of a writer. I used to listen to Oscars acceptance speeches in a relatively normal way (i.e: sedated by all the glitter and heaving bosoms). Now that my kids are all grown and out in the world and having perfectly normal lives in spite of having destroyed mine for all those years, I go into a rage at the actors. “Fuck the director! Where are your thanks to your mother?!” I scream at the TV. Life isn’t fair.

  7. chuck duffy

    He will thank you (and I) one day, but only after he kills us in a hot lava pit.

  8. I’ll be content not to have to wipe their ass any longer.

  9. There is entirely too much ass play in the comment section.

  10. I’ve got one in his freshman year of college. I have started giving him specifications for my beach house, and the old folks home he moves me in to. I will have very specific requirements for my pudding cup.

    PS, you will survive this.

    • dufmanno

      When I go to the home I only request a daily Snickers bar and a big brown grandma sweater.
      Wait, that sounds like my life now.
      I HAVE to get the beach house. I feel it’s a mandatory rite of passage for the elderly.

  11. That’s why I had 4 kids. I play the odds. ONE of them has to be successful at least.

    • dufmanno

      I hope four dependents doesn’t lessen the monstrosity of the personal fortune made by the “successful child”.
      I’ve got my eye on one frontrunner but we could possibly have two dark horse contenders if things go as planned.
      I fear for the sanity of the people who marry them because “mommy” comes as part of the package like a bad rash you can’t get rid of. There she is in her beach house, demanding to see grandchildren and yelling about the declining number of phone calls.

  12. [LIKE] Eric likes this.

    • dufmanno

      I like how Eric has his own *like* signature.
      Sadly, I’m probably going to go batshit insane before I ever get a chance to guilt these jerks into pampering me so now I’m just sad.
      Maybe I can be crazy and still enjoy the beach?

  13. Guys guys! Did I tell you that it is against the law in Taiwan to abandon your parents when they are old? I am not making this up. Last week, they also passed a law in China, giving parents the right to sue their children if they fail to support them!

  14. I don’t suppose Mildred will ever be able to financially support me, eh? See if that bitch gets her meow mix tonight.

    • dufmanno

      Just outfit her with a harness that connects to a tiny push cart with wheels and train her to pull you outside during daylight hours to collect alms and wooden nickels to support yourselves.
      What the fuck is an alm?

  15. I would like to copy this speech and give it to my son today. It’s best that I give him the complex early so he knows what he must accomplish in this world.

  16. so this is how we’re getting dufmanno island? now i have real hope it’s going to happen because i know you’re a fantastic mom who would never quit that adorable boy who’s totally going to be a supernova. but probably not by building and selling some technology business. it’s probably going to be showing metallica, sabbath, iron maiden and megadeth how heavy metal should be done. and where it should be done (lava pits, of course)

    rock on il duce! hang in there mommy. (((hugs)))

  17. orjustbeth

    The minute I resign myself to caring for my underachieving kids into my dotage, one of them will surprise me with a statement of unutterable insightfulness and understanding, pause, and then bean themselves over the head with a plastic Buzz Lightyear doll.

    What I’m saying is, there is always hope.

    • dufmanno

      You are absolutely right. I say this while icing down someones nuts that got kicked in a no holds barred WWF style smackdown in the basement.
      I’m telling you guys it’s like an odd combination of Lord of the Flies and Beyond Thunderdome.

  18. Pingback: Tongue Tied And Tagged |

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