Don’t Call It A Comeback

When it comes to winter I find myself rendered pretty much useless as I try to slog my way through filthy slush, power losses, school closings and non existent garbage pick up.

It is a gray barren stretch of bleak nothingness, a world replete with cold and depressed inhabitants trying to stay above frigid water until the warmth of spring arrives.

To put it simply; winter I fucking hate you.

However, if there ever comes a time when I need to don a giant fur hat and boots with my jumpsuit fashioned from the tanned hide of a local ox to begin dealing with the next ice age I might take comfort in knowing that when I ride into the neighboring village I could be doing it on the back of my newly cloned Wooly Mammoth.

Imagine me crashing your party riding on the back of this.

You see, dear reader, I’ve always had a simple vision. It involved never stretching beyond the boundaries where you are still capable and on solid ground but all that has changed.

Soon enough you’ll see the return of the Attila the Hun school of survival and be joining the local tribe of villagers who can hunt and forage for berries on the frozen tundra. Your mate will be the hairy fellow with the biggest club and the toastiest cave and the cookbook in your stone nook with be filled with recipes that are easy to make over an open flame.

So, to sum up.

It’s cold.

I want to smash winters face in with an old-fashioned metal shovel and knock out all its teeth.

Scientists are working hard at this very moment to clone an ACTUAL wooly mammoth.

I can’t wait to dress in a fur bikini.

Picture of my war Mammoth courtesty of http:animal.discovery.com

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28 Comments

Filed under cloning ice age animals isn't smart, i hate winter, reasons to move south, woolly mammoth

28 responses to “Don’t Call It A Comeback

  1. dufmanno

    Winter depressed me so much that I could not for the life of me spell WOOLLY MAMMOTH correctly. Thanks wordpress spellcheck for letting that one slip through the cracks. You suck and I’m too lazy to change it.

    • WOOLLY IS a word? Well, it actually follows the actual rule right? Noun+LY? So maybe WordPress was just calling out the irregular English Grammar rules because if you are IRREGULAR, what kind of F rules are you?! right? (Answer: you’d be like my period. Period)

      • dufmanno

        I read through three scientific-like magazines and none of them spelled wooly mammoth the same way. Woolly looks wrong doesn’t it? I hate spelling. And grammar.

  2. Baby, it’s cold outside, and we cannot wait to SEE you in a fur bikini.

    Confession: I sometimes fantasize about being hauled over the shoulder of a hairy caveman. So yeah, I am kind of looking forward to this.

    • dufmanno

      I hope I look like Raquel Welch in One Million Years B.C.
      Then I’d get my metal warrior suit and destroy neighboring villages when I was done strutting around in my “fuzzy britches” .
      A little Shawshank Redemption for ya.

  3. It should, however, be a small comfort to you that due to your upbringing and your knowledge of splitting, and I’m assuming, burning wood, that you will have a significant advantage over all of the other fur bikini-clad ladies in attracting the biggest and the hairiest man as we enter this apocalyptic ice age.

    • dufmanno

      I know, I can’t wait to fashion my first hand crafted ax and make my first wood pile. Then of course I’ll have to fight a neighboring group of malcontents who will want to steal the fruits of my labor.

  4. Here’s what makes me want to reach my wooly/wolly/wollie-clad arm out and grab an assault rifle: “What’s all this about global warming? Winters are getting WORSE! Global warming, that’s a joke!”

    • dufmanno

      I didn’t try the “wollie” spelling. They need to figure it out before the Mammoth is an ordinary pet in every household.

  5. Tom G.

    Fur Bikini’s are hot. I mean, “hot” in the sense of “sexy”, not “hot” as in “Oh my God I am sweating like crazy in this fur bikini”. Because I wouldn’t know anything about that.

    What? Stop looking at me like that!

    Where’s my club?

  6. party at my house! please don your fur bikini and pick up the glitter gang bangers on your wooly mammoth and get here STAT. i’m putting sun lamps, sand dune, bongos and kiddie pools (with slides) everywhere. there will be perpetual flowing franzia taps and the police vids/concerts on all the plasma tvs.

    winter can fucking blow me.

    • dufmanno

      Watch out, winter is a crafty minx. She might slither up and try to do just that (blow you).
      Franzia and Police videos? Get ready.

  7. Two words, bitches. Boo. Hiss.

    Snowmageddon part three arrives tomorrow, too.

    *muffled sobs*

    • dufmanno

      I’m hoping that the power of positive thinking will repel this vile storm. In the words of Carol Anne Freeling “no more”.

  8. I think the fur would clog up the pool filter. But I’m with ya on smashing winter’s face. Unless it provides me with a day off work, it’s completely useless to me.

    (BTW, crossing my fingers for potential TWO days off here this week with the snow on the radar! Eek!)

    • dufmanno

      Can you fashion me an Alpaca swimsuit? That would be DIVINE!!! Also a sprig of lavender to stick behind my ear? Pretty please?

  9. Can you imagine the pooper scooper laws once everyone has a mammoth as a pet?

    • dufmanno

      Forget laws, this is like a new world order! Your Mammoth can take a dump anywhere and then step on the first person who approaches you to complain.
      I will say that I’m concerned about maintaining the Mammoths long thick coat of flowing hair. That could prove difficult and smelly.
      I guess that’s the reason Snufflelufagus keeps his so short.

  10. *sits quietly in the corner rocking back and forth twirling hair*

  11. Oh bugger, I’m allergic to way too many furry animals so a fur bikini would make me sneeze terribly. Sigh…I miss having a constant internet connection since I am missing all this fun, but like Arnie said once “I’ll be back”

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