Recently I was lured out of my den of sick by the sound of horns blown by the royal gatekeepers indicating that someone had arrived with a message or gift for one of the occupants of our country manor house.
I generally spend time here when recuperating from a bout of consumption or “female problems” that need tending to and was about to start my journey to be near the ocean to take “the cure” as we say here in high falootin’ dom.
Anyway, some haggard fellow in stripped tights and a jesters hat handed my attendants a large colorful envelope indicating that I’d just been given an award of some sort.
Those that have a long history with me or know me well can tell you that I’m not the type who gets accolades.
I’m mean-spirited, selfish, offend others with my bad habits, language and hygiene and have an all around odd disposition.
So it was with morbid curiosity that I traveled past the iron gates of the estate and northward to understand the full impact of accepting such praise.
My first stop, naturally and quite magically was the playground of my elementary school where I informed eight year old me of our popularity and explained the importance of writing badly executed drivel during our 30’s and 40’s .
Eight year old me was a horrid abominable creature with no manners, a loud voice and badly braided lopsided pigtails. She grabbed the paper like an untamed savage and began waving it up and down at recess, screaming at her friends.
Small me: “Hey guess what guys?! When I grow up Imma gonna get an AWWWAAARRRRDDDDD! I think that wrinkly lady said I’m gonna write a blurg. I don’t know what that is though”
Playground friend: “Aww shut up, you can’t even write your own NAME Kelly ANN! Whoever would give YOU an award is a stupid as YOU”
Small me: “You shut that mouth Ann Maura O’Malley or I’ll shut it for you! I love my award and you’re just jealous!”
Playground friend: “Stop acting so hot! No one cares. You don’t even have a Dorothy Hamill hair cut to fling around like we do!”
Small me: “You think you’re cool ? That haircut accentuates your lazy eye! I can’t even tell if you’re talking to me or the girl next to me! Guess what Ann Maura? Blessed are the cross-eyed for they shall see God TWICE!!HAHAHAHAHAHAH!”
Playground friend: “Don’t you make fun of me using the Beatitudes you Hell Monkey! I’m telling Sister and your going to have to go to CONFESSION!!!”
Small me: “Screw you, I’m going back to 2011 to accept my accolades but here’s something to chew on . You turn into a total WHORE in high school and I still steal the guy you like!”
It was at that point I fled so as not to give the frightening belligerent child a chance to follow.
Now it’s time to answer the questions my fellow blogger 20Prospect gave to the recipients to receive our award.
If you blog anonymously, are you happy doing this? If you aren’t anonymous, do you wish you started out anonymously, so that you could be anonymous now?
I was anonymous until my whole family found out and now I’m the source of much shame and pain. I take comfort in the fact that none of the parents at my children’s school have the time or energy to find me out. That could result in a stern talking to and a potential expulsion from the school community.
Describe an incident that shows your inner stubborn side
Every day I get at least 10-12 chances to showcase my stubborn side. Today it was the silent fight with the pile of breakfast dishes that I refused to wash. Sadly most of my stubborn episodes are fueled by laziness and apathy. I’m not one of those fiercely stubborn people, I’m a passive aggressive stubborn. Huge difference.
What do you see when you really look at yourself in the mirror?
When I have bangs I see Joey Ramone, when I don’t have bangs I see a chubby Iggy Pop.
What is your favorite summer cold drink
I enjoy a cold beer as much as the next gal but for pure thirst quenching power I can’t beat sweet iced tea.
When you take time for yourself, what do you do?
I curl up in a ball and marinate in my own stink but then I snap out of it because I know my “alone” time is quickly coming to an end so I take on weird projects that I can’t finish in the time allotted and end up failing. So I guess the short answer to that question is I spend time feeling inadequate during my “me” time.
Is there something that you still want to accomplish in your life?
I’m planning on destroying Kim Jong-il and then interrogating him to squeeze the best information about running a small dictatorship from him, except mine will be ruled with a gentle tap instead of an iron fist. Also, I’m smart enough to establish myself in a tropical location. Enough sun and sand and NO ONE will care how I rule.
When you attended school, were you the class clown, the class overachiever, the shy person or always ditching?
I was everything on this list except the overachiever and the shy person.
If you close your eyes and want to visualize a very poignant moment in your life, what would you see?
I have trouble with visualization because the minute you tell me what I should be seeing Technicolor North American Badgers and monarch butterflies appear and take me away to an imaginary place where mythical creatures rule and I have to formulate an escape plan because they are secretly plotting to tear through the dimension wall and wreak havoc on our world and I have to warn the President and….
O.K. my wedding and the birth of my children.
Is it easy for you to share your true self in your blog, or are you more comfortable writing posts about other people and events?
I’m pretty comfortable here. Can’t you tell?
If you had the choice to sit down and read a book or talk on the phone, which would you do and why?
I’d read a book. No actually, I’d probably talk on the phone with my friends for endless hours. I don’t know.
My award please.