One Square

Today’s post will be a frightening exercise in over sharing that will require soft moist bleach towelettes to be handed out as you exit.

This is necessary for the mind wipe (no pun intended) you will need to perform after the gratuitous bathroom images are set in stone inside the grey matter of the brain.

In advance, I’m sorry for exposing you to a part of my life that would normally only be necessary if we were planning on becoming cell mates

Ten minutes ago I set up shop in the bathroom of my house to get a few moments of what is usually blissful silence. I brought my iphone, an entertainment weekly and my hopes for an incident free experience.

My five year old set up camp outside the door in the hallway bringing his brothers droid phone and using the Talking Tom app to utter phrases such as “when will you be done?” and “I need to use the bathroom too!”

That is when I suddenly looked up and noticed that one thin singular square piece of toilet paper was all that remained of the once majestically plump roll.

Normally this would not have presented any sort of problem as I would have just sauntered down the stairs to the closet with my pants around my ankles (because WHO would pull their pants up in such a situation) and grabbed a new roll.

Today this would prove impossible due to the number of workmen walking freely through my downstairs.

Sometimes during moments of adversity and crisis  we find out exactly what we are made of and I’ll have you know that today was not a proud day.

I’ll just leave it at that and hand you your bleach wipe as you all shuffle disgusted out the door.



Filed under bathroom crisis, run now before it's too late

19 responses to “One Square

  1. Wait. If your kid has a Droid outside the door and you have your iphone can’t you just call him and send him on a super-important-mission to go get you another roll?
    And at least your kid is on the other side of the door. Mine just walk right in.

    • Exactly what I was going to say! Mine would also push in little scraps of paper through/under the door as if we were playing some sort of spy/WWII role playing.

    • dufmanno

      Sadly my middle son never uses the phone so I don’t remember the phone number. BUT I could have just yelled for him to get some, or no actually I couldn’t have because the big dog was locked upstairs with us so he wouldn’t kill the poor guys working on the middle floor.
      I know I’m making excuses for my barbaric actions but still, the thought of five terrified men running through my home while I stand pantsless in my bathroom is too much for me to take.
      Usually, kids DO get in the bathroom but Mr. Dufmanno and I got sick of people bursting in we installed a hook lock which we promptly had to kick down last week when someone barricaded themselves inside for fun.
      We reinstalled it but now it’s wonky.

  2. This totally reminds me of the Seinfeld “The Stall” episode aka “I don’t have a square to spare”. LOL.

    Pants around the ankles? I can totally picture that vividly but I am not telling you WHY I am able to…

    • dufmanno

      I LOVE that episode! Julia Louis Dreyfus and Jamie Gertz are my dream couple and having Elaine beg for her to “spare a square” was the best thing I’ve ever seen.
      Actually I wish there was some sort of sympathetic adult in a stall next to me in this situation so I could send them out for help after they were finished.

  3. Yeah, that sucks. But look on the bright side. At least you were in the confines of your own home. It’s really crappy (pun intended) when that happens to you in a public restroom. Not that I’m fessing up to that or anything.

  4. Tom G.

    I think you need to redirect the workmen to build you a large toilet paper dispensing cabinet in the bathroom. I’m thinking space for 50 rolls, with a warning light that flashes to restock when you get below 10 should work just fine.

  5. So… are you saying you used a Clorox bleach wipe instead? That sounds dangerous. Then again, apparently, bleaching that area has cosmetic appeal so maybe you took care of two problems at once.

  6. We tend to text each other for tp in this household. It helps, usually.

    • Dufmanno

      He’s not the best reader so the agony of helping him decipher the words out loud for the workers may have caused the needle monitoring humiliating episodes to move into the red zone.
      Also as a side note here I’m noticing that WordPress has some “possibly related posts” automatically generated after this and one is titled ” Recipe Time!!”
      Really WordPress?
      Do you need some sort of talking to about how bathroom emergencies and food prep do not go hand in hand?
      I think you can get e coli poisoning by just putting those two things near each other.

  7. Wonder what the people living in the rain forest use when they have this problem….then again, they probably have a hole in the ground and use god knows what to wipe themselves….because I doubt toilet paper is sold around there. Magazine pages if you scrunch them up to make them softer works…er I am not telling you how come I know that…

  8. You actually get to shut the door? Well, aren’t you fancy.

    Damn toddlers.

  9. it doesn’t sound like a shake and drip dry sort of sitch, so you used your underwear, a bathroom guest towel, what, damnit? i need to know. why, i need to know kinda of frightens me.

  10. This is why I don’t poo.


    – B x

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