2011 Is Here, Me Not So Much

I used to always maintain that I had found the key to longevity through careful observation of my twenty-five year old dog who used to spend twenty-two hours a day sleeping and two hours pooping and eating.

She’s dead now but I felt that this schedule worked for her and was determined to follow suit hoping to live to be at least 120 years old.

These past few weeks, weary of spending my days chained to the computer I enacted project “break away” where I spent fourteen hour stretches in my bed, lollygagged around my house in  leisure wear and took the occasional trip outside the boundaries for some fun and frolic with the general public.

I thought I was looking and feeling GOOD! That’s right, plenty of sleep, great food to eat and endless hours to make  lists of resolutions I could choose to do something about come the new year.

But no.

I am curled up in the fetal position on my couch with a splitting headache, a low-grade fever pounding ears running nose and a bad case of “I can’t keep my heavily lidded eyes from closing”.

This was the week I was going to enact project “full throttle from the cradle to the grave”  and now with the myopic view from my sickbed I’m actually considering giving my five-year old a refresher course on how to drive for when I pass out during afternoon pick up rounds.

So, you just wait world. Next week, short of contracting Ebola I’m going supernova and kicking off the second week of 2011 with a bang.

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27 Comments

Filed under get me meds, I'll get to it after the fever breaks, I've got a fever, reasons to let your kids play GTA, yeah my five year old can drive

27 responses to “2011 Is Here, Me Not So Much

  1. I’m with you here. My new year has started out with a splutter. Let’s internet-pinky swear that we’ll pop the clutch on the already coasting downhill year on… hmmm, does Saturday work for you?

    • dufmanno

      I should be somewhat recovered by Saturday so I will write my “watch me kick the ass right off the world” post then. I’ll have a drink first though.

  2. i thought all the good sleep would make me look well rested and leave me energized too until i realized i coupled it with too much franzia and red velvet cupcakes. so now i just look like a reincarnation of ted kennedy.

    then i tried a massage but it realeased way too many toxins which all shot straight to my brain and fired off a flurry of frightening, crude dreams. i’m avoiding all human contact today as a result.

    feel better puddin’.

    • dufmanno

      By the way this may be the sickness talking but I could have sworn I saw the ghost of casually dressed Ted Kennedy and Shannon Hoon from Blind Melon shopping in my local grocery store not too long ago.
      this is too much of a coincidence not to be true.
      When my skin stops hurting and I can allow human hands to touch me again without crying in pain, I would like a massage.

  3. Sounds like you partied anyway.

    Should have at least had the pleasure of getting drunk first.

    • dufmanno

      I don’t have the stamina I used to and sadly the recovery times are longer and longer with each passing year.
      Would you like to know a terrible secret?
      There are two perfectly good bottles of wine just looking at me, imploring me to drink them down and I’ve yet to give in.
      that’s bad.

  4. Almost like the “healthier eating” I vowed to start today. Can you see what I’m snacking on as I read your blog? Twizzlers, M&Ms, and Reeces Pieces. There’s always tomorrow.

    • dufmanno

      I just inhaled a sour cream laden sweet potato that I couldn’t taste. this made for an odd sensation as consistency without flavor is like a human without it’s genitals. Or it’s eyes. Whichever is more important.
      So after that sensory gross out I chased it with pistachio nuts and two chocolate wafers.
      Then my husband took pity on me and handed me a vat of steaming green tea and two pills that improved my situation by leaps and bounds.

  5. Tom G.

    Ick! We have the post Christmas SARS/Swine Flu/Bubonic plague going around the house too, and we had only just recovered from the Thanksgiving variant of the same. Whose idea is it to have families get together twice in a 6 week span during cold and flu season, to trade germs? Family get together’s should be confined to the summer months, or require everyone to laminate their children, and dip them in bleach before attending.

  6. I haven’t slept in about four days running. I miss sleep. I need sleep. I can’t feel my tongue or my toe nails anymore. Is it still January?

    • dufmanno

      It’s time to snuggle up and watch an entire cycle of Americas Next Top Model. Also, you need to get yourself an US Magazine to wind down with. Today Pete Postlewaite died (sad face good actor) and Zsa Zsa Gabor had her leg cut off for reasons unclear to me.
      Five thousand birds fell dead from the sky in Arkansas (I suspect UFO activity) and thousands of fish washed up dead later on (also in Arkansas! )
      So now that I’ve lulled you into a warm semi conscious dream state you should drift off knowing that all is well. I’ll see you in the morning.

  7. Thought I’d been the only one sleeping 12-14 hour days and still struggling to get out of bed, some days, I could not be bothered to change or even go out at all, except when I’d run out of food, and then, I had to go shopping or eat my neighbour’s cat. (taste like chicken)

    • dufmanno

      I was having decadent and leisurely slumbers and then BLAMMO. Once I get sick I can never sleep so I spend endless hours ripping through my Netflix Watch Instantly Queue and watching the clock.
      Five hours until the alarm
      Four hours until the alarm
      Two hours until the alarm
      Ten minutes..
      BEEEEEEEPPPPP

  8. Poor chicken (F*ck there I go ahain).

    Welcome to the snot club, gorgeous. Yours truly has been mucous-filled and Kleenex-laden for going on two weeks now. Sex.Y.

    In fact, when you send the biscuits, could you include a case of NyQuil?? I can’t get it here and I would honestly kill my MOTHER for a bottle.

    Then again, I’ve never liked her much.

    Hope you get to feelin’ better.

    – B x

    • dufmanno

      Oh you need a vat of NyQuil and a jug of Tussin.
      Tussin cures everything.
      Chris Rock says so.
      My snot rags litter the floor surrounding my feet acting like an electrified fence for loved ones to avoid.
      Not even the dogs dare cross the line.

  9. Sorry that you are sick. {{{hugs}}} to The B and you.

    I hate making a big brouhaha out of New Year possibly because I cannot go anywhere on New Year’s Eve anywhere. I am pretty sure if I were able to attend some asskicking NYE party I’d be all like, Hey here is my end of year reflection and New Year resolution booyah. But no. I had McD at a highway overpass on New year’s day. I think that’s a decent start: can either go up or down from there. I have been rather enj0ying NOT blogging and just hanging around the house doing nothing.

    I look forward to celebrating the 2nd week of 2011 with you because celebrating the first few days is just so 2010!

    • dufmanno

      I agree, why be predictable? When everyone else is a lying in a spent heap on the floor during the second week of the new year we will emerge fresh toting NONE of the baggage of our already formidable failures like the others.
      Clean. Fresh. Crisp. Newly born into 2011.
      So what if I’ll be wallowing my dung heap of disappointment during the third week. I still had one week where I looked good.

  10. OH! I was just you! Really — NOT KIDDING. Like 36 hours ago I was beyond ill… just waiting for someone to shake me hard enough that my head would roll off, down the basement stairs and into the room where the dehumidifier would finish me off by sucking the last drops of moisture from my sinuses.

    None of this happened, obviously. But I can suggest grape flavored pedialite. I mean — WHO KNEW?

    Feel better. 2011 needs you.

    • dufmanno

      I’m send Jeeves to fetch me the childrens supply of grape pedialite. If I remember correctly don’t these come in popsicle form as well?
      I HATE the foggy otherworldly crevice I fall down when my head is stuffed. The whole house grinds to a standstill while people stand over me and ask when I might be functional again so I can go get the ball they kicked over the fence into the neighbors yard.
      When I explain that I am no longer lucid and don’t have a set of currently working legs I get nothing but guff.
      I want my tiara and better drugs.

  11. Although technically, by those figures, you may live to 120 but spent only as much time conscious as someone who died rather young.

  12. Hope you feel better dear. All of this internet-borne illness is making me rather glad the laptop was dusty. Just sayin’.

    As for the New Year, I’m over it. 2K12 anyone? I’m just dying to see if the Mayans were right?

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