Melting Clocks and Delores Claiborne

 

Sort of like this but minus the cougar and with more frothing at the mouth.

Today I was brushing my teeth and staring at my reflection in the bathroom mirror.

At first this was an exercise in hilarity for the simple-minded as I was giving myself a real run for my money by pretending I was a rabid dog and making the proper growling noises for such a game.

When I tired of my Cujo inspired lunacy I noticed that the lady that had waxed my eyebrows gave me a Salvador Daliesque arched type job that made me appear slightly cartoonish with a quizzical air that made me look like I was perpetually saying “oh REALLY?” before the pretend question mark appeared in the cloud bubble.

It’s not very flattering and  all I could think of was the scene in Delores Claiborne where arch villan and über bitch Vera Donovan uses her tightly pulled face and evil raised brow to impart the most chilling wisdom ever dished out on film. “An accident, Delores,  can be an unhappy womans best friend”

Shudder.

Anyway, I have a series of winter hats that will easily cover this eyebrow mishap until my next run in with hot wax and rushed technicians but for now I’m off to find some outdoor Christmas lights that can properly compete with my neighbors newfound enthusiasm for the holiday.

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26 Comments

Filed under cartoon eyes, delores claiborne, eyebrow waxing, pretending to be a rabid dog, this is why I'm not popular, vera donovan

26 responses to “Melting Clocks and Delores Claiborne

  1. Tom G.

    An accident Dufmanno, can be a christmas decorators best friend.

    • dufmanno

      Sometimes they don’t check the ladder rungs properly before they start climbing , or their brakes fail on the way out to CVS to buy more ornament hooks.
      They die all the time, and leave their wives their MONEY! Wait, no. That’s a different fantasy.

  2. That’s why I could never allow someone else to touch my eyebrows, of course I fucked them up myself plenty of times, including making them so thin, I looked like one of those women from the 1920s…

    Get nuclear Christmas lights, bet they exist lol

  3. The “oh really” look is all the rage these days. Not only are you trendy, but it will help the surprised effect when you see your presents under the tree (or for me, the “oh really” eyebrows would happen if anyone else put a damn present under the tree besides me).

    • dufmanno

      I’ve always been partial to the pre-Paul Bettany, Jennifer Connelly eyebrow look. Not too Sicilian unibrow not too thin. This arching is new and foreign to me so I’m not sure how I feel yet.
      Last year I got a gift so awesome my eyebrows raised themselves with out the aid of hot wax or pain, so that was something.
      Still, I’m thinking of going back to long bangs so I don’t have to deal with these things anymore.

  4. this is what i love what about you! most girls check their asses in the bathroom mirror.
    vera! vera! vera!

    • dufmanno

      I have to climb up on the toilet with lilliputian Christopher Walken on my shoulder to see my ass in the mirror. He likes to see it to and then he can watch himself tapdance on the medicine cabinet.
      Pretending to be a rabid dog is more fun. Especially the toothpaste induced “frothing at the mouth”

  5. You have *someone* wax your brows?

    I have a rusty pair of tweezers, a flickering lightbulb and shaky hands. My eyebrows are the talk of San Francisco. Not in a good way.

  6. While I am not quite as devout as the Orthodox Jews who shun mirrors in their homes, I do try to steer clear of them (the mirrors, not the Jews.) I know what I see reflecting back at me will only afflict my already burdened heart. You may want to try this tactic along with your hat plan. Take it from one who knows. There’s a certain amount of comfort that comes from neglecting your personal appearance.

    • dufmanno

      I think an informal poll would indicate that the “personal apperance” pendulum has swung a bit too far into the “I’m dressed like a vagrant and I don’t care” territory. And it’s been there for awhile.
      Pretty sure a plan has been hatched to get ahold of the red tee shirt that has brought me so much joy over the last two years and burn it in a ceremony.

  7. Shit. Eyebrow upkeep. I KNEW I was avoiding all mirrors for a reason. Maybe I’ll just slap on some of the hot sugar I’ll have on hand during this afternoon’s holiday brittle making bonanza and try and groom with that.

  8. I did that to myself back in the eighties in college. Used tweezers instead of wax. Didn’t know it until we did some taping for an acting class. I looked like Jeffrey Dahmer. All the girls in the class friend-zoned me after that.

  9. I like to brush my teeth in the dark, with just a crack of light coming in from the hall. That way my foaming at the mouth zombie routine is way scarier, while the pimple on my chin and my split ends are much less so.

    • dufmanno

      I’ve been thinking a LOT about my personal lighting options lately and I’ve concluded that I look best when lit dimly from my right side while you look at me through a foggy lens. Trust me, this works.

  10. My nose looks bigger while brushing my teeth. It’s a problem since i am Greek and already have an ample sized nose. Since I like having teeth, brushing them is a necessity, so I turn away from the mirror as soon as I start. My solution is to do squats while I brush. I figure this way I am building on one of my better ASSets. *sigh* Also, long bangs still require eyebrow maintenance, there is no escaping the wax.

  11. DITTO! Your Xmas light display problem solved! 😉

  12. do you mean your showering neighbor? has he hung ornaments upon his johnson?

  13. Obviously, the solution is for Elly to constantly whisper vagina-related trivia in your ear so that you have something to “OH REALLY?” about.

    I’ll make some calls.

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