Naked Shower Man Vs. Me

This morning I had to arise before dawn to await the arrival of the beloved grocery delivery man who brings me so much joy I don’t think I can even express it properly in words.

So there I was, minding my own business, skulking around my back sun room in total inky blackness when I happened to look up from my piping hot coffee and into another dimension.

Directly across my alley, right next to the house that fell right the fuck off of itself, was a person showering minus protective window coverings.

Now, I’ll be the first to admit that I don’t have a shred of fabric covering ANY of the five back room windows or double sliding doors in my house .

 This is because the rest of the house is like a dark cavernous mine shaft, minus trapped workers and bad lungs. I have earned the right NOT to cover my windows, not to mention I don’t wash my naked body in the kitchen.

What the hell do you do? Look away? Stay hidden in the total absence of light and hope they realize that more than one person with a clear view of all the homes that back up to the alley is awake at the not altogether forbidden hour of 6 am?

I finally went the full disclosure route and fired up every blinding light in the back of the house so the leisurely bather could better see that all I was doing was getting my coffee and bagel and walking around in a profoundly disturbing outfit that consisted of one pair of duckie flannel pajama bottoms, the dreaded red tee-shirt, big fluffy slippers, a massive wool snowflake patterned sweater and a Star Wars hat.

Still, not an ounce of concern across the way as I shuffled back and forth from my computer to the windows. Clearly we are having some sort of standoff that will determine WHO will blink first.

Will super clean full window shower neighbor give in and spend the $1.50 for a decorative window cover?

Will I bring in Next Day Blinds to measure for those wooden shutters I’ve talked about for ten years?

Or, like always, will I forget about this by tomorrow and sleep late enough for the rest of my life never to have to confront this atrocity again?

And in the spirit of nakedness and a rocking good time go to Culture Brats and look what 80’s band is releasing a new single today.

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38 Comments

Filed under get curtains, how to shower in full view, me vs. naked guy, naked neighbors, showdown

38 responses to “Naked Shower Man Vs. Me

  1. When your bathroom falls off, you have to bathe somewhere. Stick around a bit longer and you’ll find him peeing in the sink, I’d imagine. Could you tell, based on shrivelity (that’s a new word) what the temp was like in there?

    • dufmanno

      He lives in the house next to the one that fell off of itself so his bathroom is warm toasty and readily available for viewings. Not to mention the FULL window appears to be IN the shower.
      I admit that when I’m lazy I amble around in my underwear trying to find garments that have enough fabric to be considered actual “pants” when it’s early and I don’t have the energy to adjust my bedroom curtains. But let’s just admit that some looney wearing a big old lady sweater and a winter hat and scarf isn’t going to do the same thing for you as she would if she were all soaped up and steam covered in her big glass shower that opens up to the public.

  2. Let’s assume he simply likes the early sun coming through the window and doesn’t want to obscure it. He has no idea that a pretty young thing in a Star Wars hat is tracking him because, as it happens, he’s near sighted. I admit, it is strange that you’ve never seen him before. Could it be that the house that fell off always obstructed your view? Or, better yet, he’s just a one night stand. The real house dweller prefers baths and that is why you’ve never seen him or her in the buff. Yes, yes. I think this is the more reasonable explanation. Okay. I feel much better.

    • dufmanno

      Here’s the thing though, it’s as dark as dark can be at that hour and he’s gone for work before the sun can snake it’s way through that big back window.
      The house that fell off itself was partially obstructing maybe half and inch of the view but I guess that’s enough to make him think it was okay.

  3. Take a picture; then forget about it. You could also photoshop bra, panties, and garter belt onto him.

    • dufmanno

      Now I’ve got to get dressed in my son’s army sweatshirt and night vision goggles and go all Nancy Drew on this guys ass. How many mysteries can one woman solve in a month I ask you? My camera DOES have a very good zoom lens…..

  4. I’m impressed that you turned on the lights. I’m afraid I would have skulked in the dark to see if he did any “extra” washing in the shower.

    • dufmanno

      I’m pretty sure he did his whole “morning routine” in there, I just wasn’t brave enough to keep looking. You know the most depressing part of this? I probably can’t summon the energy it takes to arise 45 minutes earlier than usual to go down and do this.
      I can’t wait for the PeaPod delivery man to come back, he’ll give me the strength. I love you grocery guy!

  5. I love live theater. All kinds. The end.

  6. Was he revolting or hot? I guess he wasn’t nice to look at, if not, you’d not minded right? Oh and I like the sounds of the Star Wars hat 😉

    • Tom G.

      I think Fred, Allanah, and McDougal Street Baby are onto something. Tomorrow you should hide in the dark and snap a photo, and post it hear so we can determine if it is indeed appropriate to watch him lather up, or if the lack of curtains should be considered visual pollution of the neighborhood.

    • dufmanno

      He looked fine, but it was steamy in there. Anyway my Star Wars hat is great for cold morning ears but my slippers and duckie pants are what makes the outfit.

  7. does the star wars hat have two enormous side buns? need deets, hot stuff.

  8. I suspect we have the same personal shopper for pajamas, though I’m jealous of the Star Wars hat.

    My mom is rather crazy, but she did say one thing that made good sense — you don’t get caught unless you want to.

    • dufmanno

      I know. That brazen man whore. He WAS ENJOYING IT!!
      Watch I’ll find out that he’s a gentle blind soul who lost his sight at the age of two in a terrible accident caused by his trying to save a nest of baby birds abandoned by their mother.
      He’ll be aghast that everyone has been watching him shower and will apologize profusely for at least an hour while offering home made cookies he slaved over even though he can’t see the stove.

  9. You watched. You know you did. Who wouldn’t?

    • dufmanno

      I felt dirty, so I turned on the lights. He probably writes a blog too and his entry was probably titled ” Terribly Dressed Morning Harpy VS Naked Me” except in his version my thrown together hodge podge of ramshackle half clothing items and lack of hygene were an affront to his sparkly clean eyes.

  10. Ry Sal

    It was the star wars hat that kept him intrigued… Although, having known selfexposers for most of my life– I’m sure there’s some deep seeded jealousy brewing between him and the house that fell the fuck off.

    Stay away from Blinds-to-Go…

    Ps.. In case this says I’m someone else, this is me. Hugs.

    • dufmanno

      Ry, you’re right! He’s clearly feeling inadequate due to all the attention being paid to what is now the “rubble” that fell the fuck off. The blue box has been ripped to shreds by large machinery and thrown in a giant rubbish bin that takes up half the alley.
      Oh by the way, you are appearing as YOU.
      Hugs right back.

  11. The showering is bad enough. But if you go back there and see him having a pillow fight with two other scantily-clad men…well, that’s when you hear the wacka-chicka-wacka-chicka music. “I didn’t order a pizza….”

    • dufmanno

      I had a similar naked neighbor story that took place in Atlanta except that one had two filthy godless heathens performing a sexual act, I mean two redblooded healthy twenty somethings just following their instincts. Also caused by the lack of window coverings on our apartment windows. Before they moved in we got to watch a dead body get carted out of the same apartment (they also failed to have curtains or blinds).
      Don’t even get me started on the suprise naked hottub attack that nearly knocked my now husband and I on our asses.
      I’m surrounded BY NAKED!!!!

      • Huh. I don’t think window coverings are going to do it for you. You need drapes for your eyes.

        Also, please make a T-shirt that says, “I’m surrounded by NAKED!!!”

  12. Oh boy. I probably would have snuck back to my room and hid under my covers, ashamed at what I saw. I’ve always been a bit shy and naive.

    • dufmanno

      The shame is no longer powerful enough to keep me away from the pot of piping hot rocket fuel that is needed for mornings to start chugging.

  13. It was rather kind of you to not call the police on them for indecent exposure… Now, I hope you do realize that these things go two ways. So no more baking while wearing only an apron, ok? Or if you do, you need to start sending him a bill.

    • dufmanno

      I’ve given that up since the “nasty burn in a sensitive place” incident kind of dampened my enthusiasm for baking in the semi-buff.
      I still wear the heels though…

  14. Eric Hayward

    Maybe it was that man’s johnson that knocked the house off its hinges so be extra careful and not look lest you turn to stone.

    • dufmanno

      Sadly he’d be more likely to turn to stone after witnessing my Medusa like morning coif.
      Hissing snakes and glowing eyes aside, the outfit is enough to blind innocent mortals.
      Also, huge points for calling the male member “johnson”. I haven’t used that in a few years. Time to start again…..

  15. Eric Hayward

    A few years… my god… let that johnson out of its cage.

    • dufmanno

      Also had a period of time where we were referring to it as a “Jammie” .
      I think that was induced by the 80’s AND the Beastie Boys.

  16. Let’s talk about the important things… How big was it?

  17. Um…are Ellie Lou and I the only ones who doesn’t see an issue with this?

    Like, at all?

    ‘Cept maybe the Star Wars hat.

    That frightens me a little.

    – B x

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