Fa La La La La, La La La La

The time of year where I become alarmingly inconsistent and a molten hot mess of raw emotion mixed with panic is upon us.

I had two rituals I wanted to get through relatively unscathed before all types of hell started breaking loose around here and both went down in flames.

Growing up, my family has always made a big deal of the holidays – sparkly tinsel, too many blinking lights, heated passive aggressive discussions over who was going to get to host the post-Christmas Eve mass party as opposed to the full-blown holiday dinner the next day.

So it should come as no surprise that their rabid enthusiasm  passed down to the next slightly less unhinged generation to work with.

We are a little extreme when it comes to Disneyworld and Christmas.

There are bigger crimes people.

At least we aren’t waxing poetic about the crystal meth legacy left to us by our toothless parents.

To say that I consistently prep for the tree decision ritual with fair intensity would make you highly accurate and astute. You know me well.
This year however, I wanted to add one small new tradition to the list – the holiday card.

I hereby declare that in addition to straddling the axis of evil, this woman decorates a glorious holiday tree.- Your supreme leader, Kim

Now, before you all start booing, hissing and throwing your hopefully empty beer cans I’ll be the first to admit that I’m not the type to put forth the effort it takes for a decent holiday card. I just wanted to TRY okay?

There, now that I’ve gone and admitted that I made an attempt I can tell you how it ended.

Snarling surly kids in a fit of distemper fist fighting while the shutter clicked away. Clearly we are not cut out for these types of things.

So when I open the delightful decorated envelopes and pull out the glossy smiling photos of you and your photogenic offspring wishing me peace, love and happiness this season, it will serve as a grim reminder of all my shortcomings and deficiencies in this area.

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15 Comments

Filed under christmas cards, christmas trees, holiday failure, inconsistency, lacking skills

15 responses to “Fa La La La La, La La La La

  1. I don’t do Christmas. Simple as that. The season fills me with dread, the horror of being bombarded with CONSTANT Christmas music in EVERY single bloody shop I go into. It’s like you MUST love Christmas, if not, you’re the spawn of Satan…er…well, maybe I am mwah hah hah

    • dufmanno

      I know. The race to the most magnificently lit home is on here in our neighborhood and I found myself silently cursing at myself from behind the storm door holiding a metric ton of outdoor lights in my sweaty little paws while everyone else was up on ladders with theirs.
      I feel compelled to do this from years of parental browbeating. “Don’t be a HUMBUG”, they’d all say in their sing songy elf voices.

      • I know those sing songy elf voices well, they’re the ones who used to call me Scrooge at work because I’d always refuse to play Secret Santa…like I want to spend my hard earned money to buy a present for some idiot I work for just because I picked his/her name out of a bloody hat…meh
        Aren’t I cheery, no wonder my blog is called Sinister Echoes. There is no Christmas on the dark side mwah ha ha…(or maybe there is and it’s got cool things in it like Vampires…wait a minute, that’s Halloween…sigh)

  2. Tom G.

    What are the holiday’s for if not feelings of guilt and inadequacy? That is the true meaning of Christmas Charlie Brown.

    At least that’s what I got out of the Nun’s telling me that Jesus had to come all the way down to earth and lay in a foul smelling stable to save our sorry asses, so we better think twice before we complain that Santa didn’t bring us that G.I. Joe with Kung Foo grip.

    Personally, I think you should google “Toothless Meth Addicts” and see what kind of photos you can find, then use that for the family picture. I did and it has significantly cut down the number of photocards of picture perfect Aryan children in holiday sweaters that we receive each year. Fewer Cards = Fewer feelings of inadequacy = WIN!

    • dufmanno

      Dude, I don’t know what kind of sick nuns taught you but the manger OUR J-Man was born in had fluffy lambs who smelled of baked vanilla and cinnamon sticks. No son of God is going to make his big entrance in a place that smells like donkey ass.
      Anyway I googled “toothless meth addicts” like you told me to and I had to go use the bathroom.Not so much because it was deeply disturbing but because we all still have the stomach flu.

  3. Christmas performance anxiety leaves me an exhausted quivering mess by the end of December every year. (The holiday itself is enough to run me down and empty my bank account, but to add to that, my son’s birthday is Christmas day.) I’ve skipped doing cards for the past few years, but put my foot down this year and took a group shot of the kids. After we dried all the tears and wiped all the boogers I got one shot out of the fifty that I took where they are all kind of smiling. It was a Christmas miracle.

    • dufmanno

      You’ve actually given me hope that this can happen for me. If I can find the Benadryl I should be able to subdue the youngest long enough to get a couple of shots off……

  4. best holiday card ever – above. cheers!

    • dufmanno

      There was one that I found where he’s sitting in his undergarments drinking tea and having breakfast. I came *this* close to using it but then I started feeling sick to my stomach for reasons other than the photo.
      I like the ornament earring.

  5. Bitch. Now I have to reorder my cards. And this was the year I was finally going to announce he’s my real dad.

    • dufmanno

      Still, he’ll soon be retiring and then you and Kim Jong-Un can wrestle for supremecy over who will be “The Great Leader” of the fabulous wonderland of North Korea! Just be sure to invite me over for dinner when you have hired waitstaff and a better cook.

  6. Now I feel guilty for planning to send you a holiday card to make you feel guilty. Ha.

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