This Morning I Found a Small Glass Disc in My Ovaltine and Other Assorted Horror Stories

It’s been a weird week.

I saw a few things that made me sad and got wind of  a few more that made me jump for joy.

I ate a lot of turkey and made a long journey to New York to meet with my oldest friends but a funny thing happened on the way to and during my stay at the forum.

Back on familiar playing ground everything that had seemed out of focus was suddenly razor-sharp so with a little distance and clarity perhaps comes what might pass for wisdom?

Or maybe in my case it was just a lame ass attempt to shake myself out of that dissociate fugue I kept claiming was responsible for my lack of giving a shit.

Either way, in lieu of the customary traditional post holiday bitch fest I usually deliver along with its never-ending run on sentences and wild tangents, here is a crisp concise list of not very well explained random events that I know are tied together in some fashion.

1. I found out everybody is divorced, on the verge of divorce, or ignoring a myriad of problems that probably should result in divorce. God almighty. EVERY. SINGLE. PERSON.   O.K. , maybe that a slight exaggeration but holy blindsided batman! When I tell you I came home and started checking receipts, credit card bills and computer searches I’m not being facetious. That shit is real, and it’s deadly.

2. I saw legless wheelchair guy (he’s a local dude with his legs amputated below the knee and the most jet turbo powered ride ever) take a swing at a well-meaning but clueless mom in workout gear who had made the mistake of pulling over to help him drag his chair up on the sidewalk. Sadly, no one warned this woman with the good intentions about his boxing skills and I watched in horror as he took several swings at her nearly landing a left hook on her jaw. Thankfully there are a few advantages for your opponent when you are height challenged.

3. The back of my neighbor’s house fell right the fuck off with a deafening thunderous roar. See photo of rubble pile for visual aid.

If you don't watch out YOUR house can fall right the fuck off too.

I'm at a loss for words here. Ovaltine, how could you?

 

4. I found a small but potentially deadly glass disc cleverly hidden in my box of Ovaltine. Nice try people from Nestle , can’t you even let me die with dignity?

Oh what happened to her? 

She choked on a tiny round glass shard that any other human would have just harmlessly swallowed.

 Wow, wish I could say it was a shame but I hated that bitch.

 Fortified with twelve vitamins and minerals AND OH YEAH RAZOR SHARP DEATH.

So as you all can see it’s going to be some time before I can connect all these happenings and make some sense of what they are trying to tell me. This will be taking up much of my day and Nancy Drew junior detective skills so expect me to be on half throttle for about twenty-four hours.

Advertisements

43 Comments

Filed under divorce, things are getting weird, this means something, unrelated events

43 responses to “This Morning I Found a Small Glass Disc in My Ovaltine and Other Assorted Horror Stories

  1. I. The house. I. Wow.

    Also? Wow.

    And SubWow wants her contact back.

    • Elly, it’s like you are living inside me or I you. I was thinking of that too! I told you not to put the remaining powder back to the can after we were done. But did you listen? NO! Now she’s going to suspect that something was up…

    • dufmanno

      I know. It’s still teetering there like a drunk on a high wire threatening to lean too far to one side and take out the dwelling next door. You guys need to stop letting your eyewear fall into my powdered goods. It’s not like your chocolate fell in my peanut butter when we collided in the hallway and we joyfully created Reeces butter cups. Glass kills. Well , it kills sometimes.

  2. You should start a campaign against Ovaltine while filing a lawsuit. Christmas holiday trip? Funded!

    I am such a vain and shallow person. I saw the fallen house, I thought, Oooo Tiffany color!

  3. Holy platypus jesus! The house fell off of itself?!? Ovaltine’s been used as a vehicle to deliver a confidential disc (do you watch Fringe? There was one of these in a chick’s hand) Legless wheelchair guy is a flaming jerkbag.

    Yeah, divorce. I’ve done that a couple times… It’s so hard, you know? Our parents, somewhere up the line of ancestry, didn’t divorce. The men had babies with young mistresses and disowned them and the ladies had affairs resulting in unsafe medical “solutions”. Mothers and fathers would hate and jab at each other as the kids grew up in a disguised warzone, painted up with pretty pictures and fairy tales to mask all the distrust and anger.

    Those were the days, I guess. To me, it seems acceptable to admit you were wrong about someone. Maybe you were wrong about yourself. Sometimes they change and become a cancer to you and you know you must escape it for the sake of your own lifespan. Give your Self another chance at a happy life. That said, the hardest thing to do is find the right one, communicate and work out your issues along the way and commit to each other in a real way.

    I think things have always been like this, with all the divorce and whatnot, but in different forms. Fortunately, I also know a lot of really happy people who may vent now and again, but won’t think the worst of their lover for a moment. That makes me happy. Perk up, buttercup. The world’s a better place than it seems.

    • Tom G.

      Jon
      That is really well said. Seriously, there’s a lot of wisdom in those words. Looking back at my parents and grandparents generation, they had the same issues that we did. Affairs, out of wedlock births, physical and sexual abuse. They just didn’t think it was proper to discuss, so they self medicated with alcohol and self loathing. Now we have the advantage of anti-depressants and therapy to help us through.

    • dufmanno

      Now I just feel like an unenlightened shmuck. Where do you get this kind of mature zen like wisdom?
      Also don’t think i’m not checking under my skin now wondering if this whole thing with the glass disc is an alien plot to track my movements and follow me like a bunch of game wardens. Either that or the CIA is bugging my house.

  4. Tom G.

    Another suburban family morning,
    Grandmother throwing shoes at the wall
    We have to shout above the din of our Ovaltine
    We can’t hear anything at all
    Mother chants her litany of deceit and separation
    But we know all her divorces are fake
    Daddy places tampons on the counter
    There’s only so many shopping trips he can take
    Many miles away
    Godzilla crawls from the surf
    and knocks the back of the neighbors house right the fuck off

    Your life is a Police Song. Your world is now complete.

    • dufmanno

      I’m printing and framing this. Then I’m calling Sting.

      • Tom G.

        Another ugly Capitol morning
        The minivan rumbles under cloudy skies
        She drives unhindered through the protest lines today
        She doesn’t think to wonder why
        The music groupies pout and preen like
        cheap tarts in front of the 9:30 club
        But she is lost in dreams about her past
        How every single meeting with her mother superior
        was a humiliating kick in the crotch
        Many miles away
        Godzilla crawls to the surface
        Of the river at Stony Point…

      • Tom G.

        Another blogging day has ended
        Only the twitter stream to face
        Pecking away at her shiny little iPhone
        She comments at a suicidal pace
        Mommy grips the phone and stares alone into the distance
        She knows that something somewhere has to break
        She sees the neighbors house now laying in the backyard
        The Tiffany paint that makes her eyeballs ache
        Many miles away
        There’s a shadow on the door
        Of a townhouse on a row
        Of a shady D.C. street
        Many miles away, many miles away

  5. The house. Tell me the owners are hoarders, and it buckled under the weight of all their tchotchkes and calendars from 1989 and dead cats.

    And OVALTINE? Et tu, Brute? Ovaltine is chock full of not only vitamins and minerals but also fond memories and snuggly pajamas. Wtf?

    • dufmanno

      No, but they were getting ready to do renovations so i suspect the gutting of the back addition had something to do with destroying the structural integrity of the house before it fell right the fuck off..
      I feel you on the Ovaltine trust/betrayal cycle.
      For the life of me I can’t begin to wrap my mind around such chocolatey warmth and goodness delivering a death blow of ripped throat with a side of shredded insides.
      That is why i choose to believe that aliens and spies are involved.

  6. Is it sick of me that I exploded into laughter at the picture of the house? Something about that is hilarious to me.

    • dufmanno

      You should have seen and heard it fall. There’s nothing about it that WASN’T funny. I mean who the hell has a house that, to quote KYA “falls right the fuck off of itself”?
      It’s like if I was standing here talking to you and my right arm detached from my body and hit the floor. Painful yes. Funny? Also yes.

  7. In the epicenter of disaster, are you? What’s interesting is that, although coming perilously close, nothing has directly touched you. Maybe we all come this close but are too self involved to notice. I’d take these happenings as compliments to your awareness. Of course, awareness only gets you so far. I suggest contacting Nestle and getting a settlement in the works.

    • dufmanno

      I’m thinking that forcefield I purchased has really saved my ass this week. Sadly, it’s going to begin to fade early tomorrow morning so I need to devise an alternate plan.
      I wish I had balls steely enough to sue someone. I’m always afraid that karma is going to come back and bite me in the ass with it’s razor sharp teeth.

  8. Bloody hell, I’d sue Ovaltine. I’ve missed reading your posts, I was blog moving…from Here Be Dragons to my new abode and had to unsubscribe and re-subscribe with everyone…

    • dufmanno

      You’re back! Thank goodness, because I was starting to worry you took that advice about the axe and the editors and got yourself in a tangle involving law enforcement.

      • What axe? *hides blunt instrument* mwah hah hah…

        You know, I meant to tell you that I think the surveyor who looks at that house needs to use your technical term to describe what happened to it, there really is no better terminology than: The house fell right the fuck off.

  9. You know what sucks? If that had killed you that is all you would be remembered for. Not being nice, or funny, but for your truly bizarre death.

    • dufmanno

      Middle aged woman with few friends and suffering from the sad delusion that she was more important than she really was died today when she choked on a small but seemingly deadly glass wafer.
      Sources say that she liked her family, was good at smiling and did a mediocre cartwheel that she like to believe was Olympic worthy.
      Ironically she escaped being crushed by the fantastic falling house next door just hours before her demise. The only witness was legless wheelchair guy, a surly but energetic local homeless man and a first cousin of “twig guy” who resides under the Rte. 50 overpass.

  10. Not that I’m not TOTALLY sympathetic and everything…I’m just gonna stand over here. No, no…you stay there. I just wanna wait until that lightning storm passes.

    • dufmanno

      It’s a bright sunshiny day so I’m hopeful that my morbid post holiday mishaps and ramblings are now over. Bad things come in threes right?
      By the way, my father has actually been struck by lightning. I swear.
      He was spending what must have been his eleven millionth hour on the golf course and ZAP.

  11. I’m totally paving my own way to hell with my inner dialogue about this house falling off and the myriad of clown house jokes. Seriously, your neighbors, my clowns, related? Too many clowns in one part of the house at one moment will cause issues. I desperately want to print this off, tape it to their front door under cover of darkness and write in bright red lipstick, There but for the grace of God……..

    • dufmanno

      I don’t want to alarm you but I do believe I saw a large group of clowns spilling out of one of the many windows last night before they brought in the heavy machinery to demolish it.

      • Alarm? This warms my heart.. Maybe they are migrating! Although, my apologies to you. Oh wait…….does this mean they would be coming my way since their room fell off? Oh hell!! If I see Tiffany colored cars coming this way, I am blaming your neighbors and their poor architechtural structure.

  12. I think the universe may be telling you to pour yourself a glass of something nice and sit very. very. still for a while, counting your blessings.

    • dufmanno

      That is pretty good advice. As a matter of fact I did just that for about three minutes before my buffoon dog knocked down my wineglass, but still I got the basic premise of taking a breath . Then I went right downstairs to make sure the load bearing wall underneath our enclosed porches still looked sturdy.

  13. aaahh yes, the looking glass does challenge our perceptions. well if the tiffany house falls, let’s hope it only takes out the wicked wheelchair warlock. and, as always, beware of flying monkeys.

    • dufmanno

      Wheelchairguy was cruising turbo style down a big hill this morning as I was returning from dropping the kids off again so clearly he wasn’t impacted by the falling house. I however went right out and bought myself some ruby slippers to see if tapping them together resulted in instant transportation to Mexico. It did not and I’m still sitting here in my sweatpants and mismatched sweatsox.

  14. I hate it when things fall the fuck off.
    I also hate it when creative block leads to comments like this one.

  15. By the way, meant to say that Tom G better copyright that song, and call it Synchronicity III, it’s great, I can picture Sting doing the video already….

  16. michael freeman

    I saw two guys in the middle of the street in Newburgh fighting each other with snow shovels last week at 6:58am…(the temp was a tepid 54 degrees,and the only hint of white, was the coke flying out of one of the gentlemans hoodie )….but u have trumped me with wheelchair guy……well played……..

  17. I found an inch-long shard of broken plastic in Hunt’s spaghetti sauce, TWICE. The first time I thought it was fluke, once-in-a-liftime, all that. A month later, I found another one. I might have complained, but I didn’t. I haven’t bought a Hunt’s product in years, though.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s