It’s Like Butter

I love you. Please find your way back to me!

I’ve just been bit in the aft end with the realization that my morning bore a stark and terrifying resemblance to my weekends in college where I woke up in  a haze, was missing my phone and couldn’t find my underwear so was forced to pull on my jeans and go commando before stumbling out the door.

In the Hollywood version of this story, I would have stepped back into my dorm room and awoken my roommate, played by 80’s sweetheart Molly Ringwald, and had her help me piece my evening back together to ascertain whether I had done something John Hughes worthy during the night.

Truth is I spent the morning throwing  together a hodge podge collection of  half destroyed clothing from the dirty laundry hamper crying about the loss of my Iphone and wondering if someone threw out all my undergarments.

Many things are  happening this Monday one of which is this little gem over at 20Prospect. If you’ve ever wondered what type of unhinged perversion and off kilter maniacs that the stifling repression of Catholic education produces take a look at each and every one of my friends and now my own kids. Listen to this classic I got hit with last night.

Daughter: Mom, do your private parts burn off if you have sex before marriage?

Mother: Wow, where did you hear that? (stifling laughter)

Daughter: Well, the Catholic church teaches no sex before marriage so does that mean that they burn off?

Mother: You bet they do. I heard it REALLY hurts.

SCORE!

Catholic school, turning out warped and misinformed children since the dawn of time.

Anyway, moving on.

My strategy this morning is to point you in the direction of things happening elsewhere so here is the second half of my talk with THE Corey Feldman at Culture Brats.  Props to the dedicated and talented Archphoenix who did all the work and probably should be handed some sort of award for patience, since my interviewing and editing skills could probably use some polishing.

Now I’m off to work on yet another revision of what was a bit about three clubs in the U Street corridor that fell flat and was then nearly done for when a series of three murders closed off the street for the better part of three weeks wrapping the subject of my piece in perpetual police crime tape.

Try to enjoy your Monday.

Beautiful missing Iphone photo courtesy of AppleInsider

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17 Comments

Filed under 20 prospect, archphoenix, catholic school lunatics, corey feldman, culture brats, i love the 80's, molly ringwald, my iphone is lost, where are my underwear

17 responses to “It’s Like Butter

  1. Did you check in the freezer? I have actually found my phone in the freezer.

    • dufmanno

      I’m almost too sad to keep looking. There is a special kind of love that I share with my iphone that made me believe I could summon it simply with the power of thought but I found out we aren’t that deeply connected..
      So off to the freezer I go.

  2. Tom G.

    Ack! No, don’t tell me you lost the iPhone! Oh, my heart goes out to you, I know how close you two were.

    Are you sure the children haven’t stolen it to post swear words on your facebook page again?

    Wait, how do we know this is actually Duffmano writing this post? Quick, how do you spell hore!

    • dufmanno

      If it had been them there would have been the bit about the old ugly “hore” who had “secrit” “plastic sugary”
      Little assholes. Thank god they chose my oldest and most warped friend to post it for.

  3. I’m going to state the obvious, just because that’s the way I roll. Have you tried calling yourself?

    • dufmanno

      I did and I heard the faint loving tinkle of it’s song in a faraway room before the battery died and left me with no hope.
      At least I know it’s here….

  4. dufmanno

    **** I Phone Update******
    After tearing apart three floors of my already destroyed house I opened up my underwear drawer to take one last shot at finding a clean set and LO AND BEHOLD there she was.
    What are the chances of that?

    • Tom G.

      I’d say the chances were only slightly better than the odds of finding a clean pair of underwear from the sound of it.

    • I’ve told you about leaving that thing on vibrate. Shoving that thing in your non-flaming vagina does not count as an “app.” Sheesh.

      • dufmanno

        Best answer ever.
        Execept now when i check the things people were searching for when they found this post “blowtorch vagina” shows up again.
        You know that’s not a half bad app idea…..

  5. All I have to say to this entire situation is “Bravo cduffy, Bravo!” Clearly, someone had quite an evening. *shudder* Now I’m going to go bleach my mind. TY

  6. at least you’re a modern, progressive product of catholic school. old school girls just lost their underwear. you dialed it up a notch and lost your pocket rocket along with your g-string. bless you, girlfriend.

  7. Meh, whatever. I always go commando. Sucks to lose the phone though. Did you check the sock gnome? He likes shiny things.

  8. Oh hush. You did all the heavy lifting of not squealing and conducting an actual professional interview.

  9. So glad that you found your iPhone. I wonder what your underwear would do if next time you shove an iPad in it…

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