Mush

 

Apparently I’ve been going about this “life” thing all wrong.

When I found myself ringing bells and no one came to bring me my tea and sugar cookies I HAD to ask who it was that had  tended to me all these years, and what do you mean we live in a servantless household? Who was that  person bringing me my snacks and putting on  my fucking socks?

There will be no more tepid baths in sparkling mineral water or hair conditioner squeezed from the loins of fourteen supple virgins. I can no longer count on rides around the park in my golden rickshaw or hours of pampering from my well-trained personal staff.

It’s time to jump into action. Watch me rise up out of my goose down pillow laden bed and make a decision to take the world by the horns again and go………DOGSLEDDING?

Yeah, that’s right. As is always the case when bad timing and poor judgement collide and run down the street holding hands like new lovers I’ve picked a grand activity to hurl me out of my uberfunk.

It’s hard to imagine a less likely candidate for gleefully racing through the rough terrain of western Maryland running my team of wild dogs like the mountain woman you all envision me to be.

What if I fall off a cliff?

What if a rabid fox chases me and I can’t run away fast enough?

What if my imagination goes off on a wild tangent like it did at the beginning of this blog post and I start pretending that I’m some sort of royal queen who is on her way to her manor house in the countryside and I end up in Pennsylvania?

Sadly, I cannot give you the answers to any of these pressing questions NOR can I manage toss you a proper end to this blog as a wrap up is impossible. So I’ll tip my hat to the art of departure and see you when I return.

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26 Comments

Filed under dogsledding, I would make a GREAT mountain woman, jibberish about pretending to be royalty, uberfunk be gone

26 responses to “Mush

  1. Keepingyouawake

    Now that’s quality conditioner! I’ll assume “mush” is how you feel about us all. That’s sweet of you.

    • Dufmanno

      My hair really does get SO dry without my special mix but the economy is so bad lately that large groups of pure women are REALLY hard to get your hands on.
      You all or y’all as they say make me mushy so I suppose the title CAN be used in that way you clever minx. Wait, I don’t think a guy can be a minx.

  2. Agatha82

    Dogsledding! Yay! I’ve always wanted to do that, I even looked up holidays in cold shivery places like Norway where you could actually go do it, but I never got around to doing it.
    Er…bit worried about that hair conditioner…heh heh

    • Dufmanno

      You’ll be delighted to know that snow, while preferable, is not required.
      The dogs can haul you around on a big, rollerskate like sled with wheels.
      Not as romantic as racing windswept and snowstorm covered off a pristine white mountain, but still doable.

  3. I admire your creativity for breaking out of the deep funk. Dogsledding is so much more imaginitive than the Thelma and Louise like road trip you were planning. Jack London would be so proud.

    Is there room on the sled for a pool boy?

    • Dufmanno

      We’ll see how imaginative it was after I return home tomorrow evening.
      If I bring a pool boy he needs to be accesorized with mittens, legwarmers and a fluffy white hat.

  4. Erm, my dearest Dufmanno, I hope this letter finds you in the very best of health and a state of well being. It has been not yet a fortnight since I last heard from you, but your current endeavors do leave me concerned about your current state of mind.
    It seems like it was just less than a week back I was rolling bottles of wine to you as you wandered the street, now you are off dogsledding in the wilds of Maryland.
    My darling girl, I hope you “find yourself” soon and return to us safely. The virgins are producing again and your hair looked quite a fright when I last saw you.
    Please do come back home. Father has even found a way to bring the pillow fluffers back on staff.

    Love,
    Your Wicked Sister

    • Tom G.

      Yes, I would like to second Shawn’s concern. Please do come back. And please bring photos. And by photos I mean more shots of cleavage, and religious medals. OK, just the cleavage mostly.

      • Dufmanno

        My new Victorian sensibilities forbid such saucy activities but perhaps we could all meet for a chaperoned iced tea party where we twirl umbrellas and discuss the weather?
        I really am huddled under a crappy sleeping bag by the way. It’s like fucking deliverece out here and my overnight sleeping arrangement looks to be an abandoned mental institution . I need a fucking drink

    • Dufmanno

      Oh Wicked! What a terrible quandry I find myself in this frigid unforgiving night. Why just now as I write this I find myself huddled in the remains of a tattered childs sleeping bag while typing furiously on my iPhone.
      My accomodations are ghastly and the weather frightful.
      I do so hope to see you soon and tell father not to worry himself over my communing with nature this fine weekend
      the new goosedown pillows sound just devine.
      Yours in Christ
      dufmanno

      • Darling Dufmanno,
        Father is worrying himself to a state of illness unlike any I have seen before. He has the servants preparing your room as I write this.
        Return safely and know that we wait anxiously. Your return will be celebrated with roast beast and fresh vegetables grown by the garden workers. Mother has them preparing the finery now. All of the town awaits your arrival.
        Warmest Regards Dear Sister,
        Wicked

  5. I can’t believe I was supposed to be saving that stuff I squeeze from my supple loins each morning. Oh vomit. I can’t make jokes like that when I’m this hungover.

    • dufmanno

      I’m so sorry the end result of all your birthday frivolity was a nasty hangover!
      YoHoo, a toasted egg breakfast sandwich and the love of a good unicorn should help.

  6. Like, with real dogs? Or men dressed as dogs?

  7. Dufmanno

    I have returned safely from my weekend of rugged tomfoolery and feel infused with new energy and purpose. Also, I have decided thanks to wickedshawn that all my correspondence will be written like I am a delicate English character out of a Merchant Ivory production.

    • AWESOME! If you think about it, an English heiress coming to America, finding herself entangled with some rustic dog-sledding team would be a great Merchant Ivory movie. I just need an idea to insert a character played by Sir Anthony Hopkins. On the other hand, this could be easily turned into porn if there is NO character suitable for Sir Hopkins.

      • My dearest subWOW,
        While I think it is with the purest of intentions you are trying to find a proper suitor for our sister, Dufmanno, I am quite certain mother would faint with the vapors at your suggestion of the porn.
        Certainly now that our darling youngest and most promising sister has returned, she can find Sir Anthony to her liking.
        I must say, it has become clear to me, intensly so now with my hair in such a frightful state, I will be here, destined to care for our parents forever.
        Also, have you noticed how pale our rather vapid sister seems lately? I fear the pale man who calls upon her at inappropriately late hours is making her ill.
        Yours in love,
        WS

      • dufmanno

        Pure genius!
        The combination of the savage wild and the refined sensibilities of my newfound Victorian life make for great drama……or porn.

    • Tom G.

      Does this mean we will have to start referring to your cleavage as “Décolletage”?

      • dufmanno

        Why, my face has gone positively scarlet with such a suggestion!
        I’m afraid my sisters will have to fetch those smelling salts they spoke of earlier to rouse me from my dead faint that was either caused by your saucy comment or the strangulation effects of my too tightly laced corset.

  8. Just found your blog. Great writing.

    More to note, as I tell my kids on a daily basis, “Mama don’t live in no ‘what if’ kind of world.” Grab your life by its kahonas and squeeze like there ain’t no tomorrow.

    • dufmanno

      Thanks! Loins of the innocent, kahones of the unsuspecting, whatever needs to be squeezed to keep it all rolling I’m all for it.
      MacDougal and Washington Square North(?) is the address of my hubby’s Grammy.
      No, he’s never won a music Grammy, just his Nana.
      I was born and raised in upstate NY but your life on Bleeker & MacDougal sounds far more exciting.

  9. Came back to say: It is high time for Victorian Porn.

    • dufmanno

      My Beloved SubWOW,
      As you might imagine, my crisis of conscience caused quite a kerfuffle back home and I wish never to repeat my selfish and unimaginable acts ever again.
      To hurt father in such a way is unspeakably evil and to sink to those depths again might even tear the fabric of our already delicately strung together little family.
      I am back in the fold now with my tiny buttocks placed delicately on those goosedown pillows I missed so very much during my absence and was even provided with two new fluffers to keep them plush and comfortable.
      (my pillows, not my buttocks)
      Farewell for now sweet sister….

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