Entire Cast of Two Popular Franchises Attacked by Frustrated Unicorns

In a shocking turn of events this past week numerous cast members of the wildly popular series Twilight and True Blood were injured in an unprecedented assault by deadly unicorns.

Feeling slighted by their cruel exclusion from the recent craze of adapting  tales about mythical creatures into popular movies and long running critically acclaimed series, incensed unicorns impaled large groups of stunned actors on various film sets.

The shocking attack, caught on a security camera, shows enraged horned creatures storming the locations and destroying everything in their paths including props, vehicles and most frighteningly confused thespians.

The employees of craft services were miraculously unharmed.

The chaotic scene was made all the more eerie by the shrill braying and what sounded like snide comments about Rainbow Brite.
A unicorn representative told news agencies that he was not surprised by the ferocious nature of the attack citing many examples of abuse and embarrassing slights the horned animals had endured over the years. Saying simply that the creatures had reached their limit.

Okay, so this didn’t really happen but I’m so SICK of talking about myself lately I had to make something up. Unicorns aren’t even my thing, they are more up Elly’s alley but since Bigfoot, Werewolves, Vampires, Elves and Wizards seem to be popping up all over the place with their own starring vehicles I felt unicorns would be riled up enough to satisfy their appetite for destruction.

Two things need discussing today.

One is the world is creeping closer and closer to the fate predicted by one Kyle Reese in one of my all time favorite films. The Terminator wasn’t just entertainment people, it was a warning.


Hmmm. Artificial skin that can let robots FEEL. Did you get that? Read it again and discuss your emergency plans among yourselves. Underground bunkers and stockpiling firearms with ammunition never sounded more sane. ATF, I’m joking, please don’t pay me a visit.

Second, my buddy Sandrine tagged me with five questions she needed answered under penalty of death so I happily obliged even though it’s still TALKING ABOUT MYSELF.

1. If you could have any superpower, what would you have and why?
Somewhere along the line, I’ve answered this one before so I’m sure to contradict myself. I’m going
to say the power of flight since I’ll go ahead and assume it’s probably awesome. Plus my hair looks
great when it’s windswept.

2. Who is your style icon?
Anna Wintour, because that is the correct answer for anyone not wanting to be destroyed
by the lightning she shoots from her fingers.

3. What is your favorite quote?

Time is a great teacher but unfortunately it kills all its pupils.

4. What is the best compliment you’ve ever received?
I don’t get many compliments. I’m serious.

5. What playlist/cd is in your CD player /iPod now?
The Police on my iPod and The Pixies on my car CD player.

6. Are you a night owl or a morning person?
Night owl. I hate mornings.

7. Do you prefer cats or dogs?
I like both but we have a few family members who are deathly allergic
to felines so our two dogs will have to do.

8. What is the meaning behind your blog name?
HA! There is NO meaning whatsoever. I just made up a word that
included some of my last name and that was it. Pattypunker, feels
that perhaps I should change it to The Subdued Anchorwoman?

Now I’m supposed to tag people but I’m going to go rogue here and
decline to follow that rule.



Filed under angry mythical creatures, kyle reese, questions that need answering, robot wars, true blood, try to do better, twilight, unicorns, war against the machines, writing about unrelated things is bad, yeti's

22 responses to “Entire Cast of Two Popular Franchises Attacked by Frustrated Unicorns

  1. This post has too much stuff to comment on. What should I do??!! Maybe I should just call you up! LOL. Totally agree Unicorns should be enraged. About time! And I can’t wait to hear Elly squee in delight all the way from Hoboken.

    “Time is a great teacher but unfortunately it kills all its pupils.” This is an awesome quote. And what do you mean “subdued” Anchorwoman? That was one awesome news report you just did! Subdued? My Unicorn horn!

    • dufmanno

      Ring me. We need to form a discussion panel.

      I was going to make it a crazed minotaur since THAT is my favorite mythical creature but I think they are misunderstood and truly good on the inside under all the hair, hooves and murderous rage.
      I’m practicing being subdued. It’s not working.

  2. It’s as though scientists have never even SEEN the Terminator movies.

    I bet soon someone out there invents a super defense computer and decides to go ahead and name it SKYNET.

    • dufmanno

      You know I’m on board with this one. Both of us have been shaking our heads for YEARS about the collective denial of the people of the world regarding the robot menace, yet no one heeds our warnings.
      SKIN people. It’s going to have skin.
      Then it’s going to lower down a bucket into the hole it keeps you in and tell you to “put the lotion on it’s skin” while it plans to skin you alive to make a cyborg of “living tissue over metal skeleton”
      Keep your eyes open.

  3. Agatha82

    I’m just happy the unicorns impaled the sparkly wimp from Twilight – Hope that’s the last we hear from him mwah hah hah.

    Loved your quote and how true it is and I love The Police.

    About robots learning to feel…EEK! Someone show The Terminator movies to them scientist and on that note, I bid you farewell for the time being but….
    I’ll be back 😎
    (I couldn’t resist…heh heh)

  4. omgahh – a shout out from my favorite anchorwoman! i’m elated! btw, i have a few compliments for you:

    you have marvelous think hair that swings like in a hair commercial and i’m sure it looks bangin windswept.

    your smile is mesmerizing

    you have an amazing writing talent and i can’t get enough of your tweets and posts

    you’re funny as shit

    you have impeccable taste in music

    you’re my kind of recovering catholic

    and in case you were wondering, high violet by the national is in my car cd player and fanfarlo has been getting the most play on my ipod.

  5. that was thick hair not think hair. though your hair is so smart, i’m sure it does think.

  6. Angel

    What do you mean you MADE UP the story about the unicorns – you not trying to tell me that unicorns don’t exist are you? … are you? … your joking aren’t you? (phew) I knew they were real.

    Loved you answers, especially the quote.

    I suppose next you will be saying there are no such thing as dragons.

    Want to know one of my favourite quotes that I didn’t want to write on my blog…

    “Sticks and stones may break my bones but whips and chains excite me”

    • dufmanno

      THERE you go!
      Sorry I broke the chain by not tagging anyone else but someone threatened to throat punch me the last time I tried to make them answer questions.
      I hope this doesn’t doom me to the ten years bad luck I got by not sending out that Mother Teresa chain letter that had gone around the world forty times and died with me.

  7. Its always the unicorns that suffer . As Nancy Kerrigan would bellow “WHYYY WHHHHHYYYY ! ”
    Damn I wish Tanya’s man would have bashed her in the teeth instead of the knee… but that is a story for another time.

    • dufmanno

      Hear the unicorns woeful cry. “Why don’t we have our own cutting edge HBO series?”
      Nancy Kerrigans teeth were made of corrugated steel with enamel coverings so you’d need some heavy duty tools to knock those things out.
      I just stopped at Elly’s and saw Dolph Lundgren with a flame thrower. Does he really want to kill the horned creatures that badly?
      Yeti’s are next. Mark my words.

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  9. Now why on earth would you think I have a thing for unicorns, my little brunette Julianne Moore?

  10. dufmanno

    Did you buy the Cold War unicorn playset yet? Be honest.

  11. Damn, I feel like I have been through an obstacle course. Which is good, it will help me get in Linda Hamilton-esque shape. Clearly, I need to be.

    The unicorns really should exert their strength over the Truebloods right now anyway, after that pathetic season finale. Bleh! Bring on the crazed unicorns. I like it.

    • dufmanno

      It just so happens that I rewatched Terminator 2 last night so I’m in the zone. Minus the large capacity fire arms and agonizing rage that one must feel knowing the war against the machines is inevitable. That, and a Terminator killed my blindingly hot boyfriend from the future.

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