How About a Wager?

Enough already! Start knockin' boots you immortal prude.

It’s not every day that I take on an extra task that requires time, attention, patience and skills. Much like the large jungle bound sloth I like to spend extra free hours lying very still and not expending any energy, mental or physical.

BUT, I do love a dare. So it was with morbid curiosity that I accepted a 30 day challenge.

Sadly, I never stood a chance.

I was standing in a circle of women, all of us clucking like the ministers gossipy wife about this or that when one of my inner circle turned to the other and said “I LOVED it!” They all tittered approvingly and started trading opinions on book vs. movie and why the scenes were so romantic and gripping.

“You are NOT fucking talking about that stupid Twilight thing are you?” I said astonished.

“Yes we are!” they all laughed musically like they were part of a club that only the very enlightened could join.

“Why you read and watch that shit is beyond me” I griped.

Conspiratorially  with half lowered lids they all turned on me and gave me a long list of reasons WHY these books and movies were so compelling and addictive.

“How about a wager“, chided the most successful of the group “if you take 30 days to read all the books and then see the movies, I guarantee you will get sucked in. It’s like crack, and soon you’ll be the crack whore”

“You’re on” I challenged with the ferocity of a thousand sleeping turtles.

“You just wait” deadpanned one “you’ll be a fucking goner”

And so it began.

After the massive success of these books and movies I think I might remain the only village idiot unaware of the long reaching influence and sway this series has had on popular culture.

You just wait, they laughed.

These were successful, busy, happy women with children. They ran networks, put criminals behind bars and gave lethal roundhouse kicks to the head when it was warranted.

The idea of  these gooey, romantic, bodice ripping ,vampire  time wasters getting a grip on and holding me hostage was preposterous. I would be completely immune to the charms of these  fictional people.

Even had a pep talk ready for myself that sounded like this:

Listen here, slightly more menacing Cedric Diggory and wheezy asthmatic girl without an inhaler from Panic Room, you’ll need more than the  breathy denials of your  primordial urge to rip each others clothes off to destroy me.  I actually READ Ulysses and didn’t use it as a door stop, like my roommate did and I’ve even finished a few Martin Amis novels without experiencing the gaping void of inadequacy that usually overtakes his readers afterward. I’m going to STAND, FIGHT, WIN!!


I was about to throw myself on the funeral pyre of classic literature that  been passed up in favor of this crap ,and single-handedly resurrect the masses long faded love of the oldies.

One month my ass.

I ripped through the entire four book series in three days flat stopping only to  throw old half gnawed chicken bones at a group of hungry children who somewhere in the haze I remembered to be mine. I’m on NO sleep. The kids are fraying my nerves as I toss leftovers and ramen at them screaming that they need to grow up sometime and feed themselves.

When is this guy going to bang the shit out of her? How many different ways are there to describe ragged breaths of restrained lust? (Hint, it’s endless) I even got up and fanned myself when he finally got the chutzpah to do the deed on their honeymoon.

“Stop interrupting my reading” I would hiss like a strung out addict jonesing for my next quiet free ten minutes to devour the story.

That Stephanie Meyers bitch sure knows what she’s doing.

All I know is that my inner 16-year-old girl lept straight out of my chest and compelled me to read like a rabid librarian at a book burning convention. The  background noise  of a billion women’s panties hitting the floor with a wet sickening thud was my soundtrack. Reading this stuff is like emerging from the bowels of the hormone soaked visceral years of your teens and early 20’s when every thing felt so deep, real and life altering and realizing you’ve been away for too long.

You could  probably argue that we crusty ancient harpies don’t have enough raw passion in our lives so we locked onto this fantasy. You could also say that the poor fellow who plays Edward in the movie must want to wipe himself down with a disinfectant towel when he thinks of the four million different ways that billions of people have imagined defiling him in one hour. I’d suggest a hot bleach shower to wipe his mind.

So, long story short. I lost. HARD.

(cue the giggles and thunderous applause)

A week of my life virtually disappeared while I stole every free moment available to retreat to the ivory tower and gobble up more plot. I didn’t eat OR sleep more than two hours a night and I wondered about fictional characters while driving carpool.

Stephanie Meyer, I don’t know what kind of black magic you are weaving over there but I am the proof that it’s working like a charm since I have actually contemplated the logistics of sexual relations with the undead and admitted to my contemporaries that I spent chunks of precious time huddled over my kindle begging for more.

Now if I could only get a grip on the pavlovian response I’m having every time I hear Robert Pattinsons voice on Entertainment Tonight.



Filed under Bella Swan, does this make me a dirty old lady?, Edward Cullen, I lost a bet, my inner 16 year old unleashed, robert pattinson, the nuns said vampires hung out in hell, twilight

35 responses to “How About a Wager?

  1. damn that’s a good review. so elitist. so intellectual. so new york times. and then the wild ass admission! like realer trumps smarter. like don’t fucking lie because you show your deficiencies like dirty laundry viewed from the highway on a cloud-free day. this review makes me want to hump you. hard.

  2. dufmanno

    It was invigorating. I was the LAST ONE STANDING. Everyone else had just given themselves over and gone with it.
    Now I’m wiping my ass with the ripped up pages of Crime and Punishment and admitting that I buy Us Magazine religiously. Well, everyone knew about the gossip rag already but WHATEVER.
    Speaking of humping, I think I hear that Pattinson guy on the TV again…..

  3. Heh. Glad to have you on the heaving and seat-fidgeting team.

    You know he’s a musician, too? That doesn’t exactly help my situation…

    • I love the shot of him with the blue Sharpie… brings out the torture SO much more. Side note — chewing on pen caps and sniffing anything by Sharpie is a great way to quit smoking…

      • dufmanno

        Okay, I’ll snap out of it but it’s tough once you’ve imagined yourself with buoyant cleavage being ravaged on the front of a Harlequin romance novel.

  4. You fought the law! I made it through 1/2 hour of the first movie. It was hilarious…. haven’t had the balls to read the books, although I’ve seen many an intellect fall bloodied in defeat.

    • dufmanno

      I’m clearly no intellect since I had to spell check buoyant four times and then go to the dictionary JUST to make sure but I found myself forgiving lengthy explanations, useless backstory and sparkly immortals so that I could get to the sex.
      Which by the way, there was very little of.
      I think I must be all about the tension.

  5. Angel

    Oh goodness this is all too confusing, I think I must live in some sort of time warp or something. We do have television in England (honest) but:-

    What is this “Twilight” thing?

    Who is Billy Bragg?

    What year is this?

    Why is my head hurting?

    • Dufmanno

      I feel as though I need to invoke the spirit of Christmas past to fly us time warp style through a crash course in foamy irrelevant pop culture ( sorry Billy Bragg, I don’t mean to lump you in that category).
      Until last week anything twilight related was a unimportant flash in my peripheral vision as I traveled along at 60 mph on the highway of life.
      Now I’m in a shame spiral and my pocketbook is ten dollars lighter. See how it happens?
      For those not in the loop, the Twilight “saga” as it’s affectionately known is a syrupy love story about an uberhot vampire with amazing restraint and a high school junior. Nuff said. Now I need to take a shower

  6. Same thing happened to my wife. Thought all her friends were nuts. We finally rented one of the movies. Then one of her friends talked her into checking out the books from the library “because they are much better than the movie.”

    The became hooked.

    Doesn’t help that my name is Edward and hers is very close to Bella.

  7. Welcome to the sparkly side. Skip the movies! Just skip them. The books are excellent, the movies are not excellent.

    Also, how did there ever become a huge “Jacob movement”? Did these people read the books??? Pffft!

    Now, with all of that said, Us Magazine? Really?

    • Dufmanno

      I figured that while I was at it I might as well put all the cards on the table .
      I have a gossip rag obsession.
      There, my secret shame is exposed and now I can begin to heal.
      Agreed about the books being far superior to the movies but that Pattinson fellow has the art of the kiss polished to shiny perfection.
      I did a little gasp myself while his mouth hung impossibly close to hers with barely hinted at restraint for what seemed like an eternity.
      Like I’ve said , I must be all about the smoldering tension prior to springing into action.

  8. It happened to me too. I was so disappointed in myself.

    • dufmanno

      No, no. I won’t hear of this self flagellation, even though my inner Catholic school girl approves of that type of thing.
      We all went into this with firm resolve and open eyes deluding ourselves along the way.
      Apparently there is no way to resist a romantic vampire who’s a good kisser even if he is “allergic” to vagina.
      Now I’ve been told I need to read the newest Chuck Palahniuk as a sort of remedy.

  9. Irene

    No no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no

    We saw the first Twilight movie at the Kennedy School in Portland, armed with a large pitcher of beer, giggling our asses off at that shit.

    I don’t posses your literary background (Ulysses? Give me a break, I still haven’t finished the one about the whale) though I do love books, and I refuse. I refuse to believe. I refuse to believe that that crap is any fucking good.

    Good story, though (YOURS).

    • Dufmanno

      You need to take the challenge. If you emerge victorious I will eat a cupcake in your honor and we can speak of you in awed whispers as the girl who remained true.
      The rest of us will be thinking of ways to find a sparkly vampire boyfriend with decent morals.

  10. Janet

    Oh yeah, I fell vitim too. Got angry when one of the youngin’s @ work, who was graciously lending me each tasty nugget of a novel, forgot the next installment. I spent the day looking like a junky drooling until her next fix of black tar heroine. I’m not proud. Glad you fell too. We must never tell Jenn.

    • Dufmanno

      I bet she has an Edward cardboard cut out in her closet.
      Can you imagine if we had been lucky enough to get a white hot vampire our junior year in h.s.? He would have short circuited with all that fresh Catholic schoolgirl meat around.

  11. @Janet – Hi Janet how are you? I was thinking about your view of the tz bridge back in the day.

  12. dufmanno

    ** correction**
    Kristen Stewart did not play a wheezy asthmatic girl without her inhaler in Panic Room- she played a diabetic in need of her insulin. I have a terrible habit of mixing up my life threatening ailments and movie peril. Clearly I’d been watching too much “Hand the Rocks the Cradle” with wheezy Annabella Sciorra (?)

  13. Janet

    I can’t imagine having seen that back then – I would have been like Bono who?
    Bet you are right on Jenn. R-Patz is so her type – skinny and Euro.

  14. Janet

    Chuck Duffy – you are blogging too? You 2 hipsters are just way too cool for me. I do miss my view of a bridge. Making due with the pool.

  15. Angel

    Hiya, tiz only me again. If you get chance to visit my blog I have just tagged you.

    Only a silly game 🙂

  16. Pingback: Cool Shit 4 — « Fierce, Freethinking Fatties

  17. vesta44

    I hate to admit this, but I’ve read them all too, and what’s even worse, I got them from my son (he read them before I did, and he’s 34, who would have thought a man would have been interested in Twilight, et al?). However, he’s not interested in the rest of the vampire/werewolf/demon/etc romance/thrillers I read, so maybe there’s hope for him yet. I, on the other hand, am totally lost, in spite of having read all of the classic literature when I was younger…..

  18. Agatha82

    Found your blog via Angel’s. Oh you poor poor thing. I just don’t get the sparkly vampire thing. Robert whathisname does nothing for me, not my type. The books, well, I tried reading one & could not stop laughing at the descriptions. Think I am immune because I have my own novel protagonist who kicks arse. One day, I hope women succumb to his charms…Me thinks he’s way prettier than Rob…but maybe I am biased. Loved your story though, very funny 🙂

    • dufmanno

      I’m more than happy to put myself out there as an example for the innocent readers who haven’t picked it up yet.
      They can consider themselves armed with valuable knowledge.
      Like I said before, I could have fallen face first into this guy’s crotch a month ago and not have cared one whit, but I got hit right between the eyes as soon as I turned my Kindle on.
      Sadly, in real life I could probably take him in a fist fight within seconds but I’m willing to suspend disbelief long enough to enjoy him and his unwashed hair.

  19. avapidblonde

    Okay….if I ever finish reading The Count of Monte Cristo that I started in 2001 I will start the Twilight series.

    You are a brave woman.

  20. I resisted! Well, I needed real action instead of allthe heaving with nothing happening. I would like to move you onto the books True Blood is based on.

    I saw a hilarious review of these books/movies online and I believe it has ruined them for me. I wish I had sent it to you before you took the wager!

    • dufmanno

      I tried my best to remain unimpressed and I failed. You are a much stronger woman than I could ever hope to be.
      I think that Stephanie Meyer should write an alternate version that’s positively scandalous and filthy. Like bad 70’s porn but with more sparkles and less chest hair.

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