Cockroach

So how are you? Hey what's in that can you're aiming at me? AHHHH!

Last night while I was watching movie previews in my basement and being promised by the man with the rich baritone voice that this film would be THE explosive feel good juggernaut of the summer, I was confronted by the second most evil creature you can encounter during the warm months in the city.

The bold, massive, and unrepentant cockroach.

He chugged on over like we were old friends at a high school reunion bobbing his little antennae and looking for a conversation opener.

Before I continue with the part that has me screaming and running for the spray can of Raid, I’d like to point out that I’m not the squeamish type and I do possess an understanding of the many urban creatures that city dwellers have to accept and deal with .

 Rats and cockroaches are the two filth riddled mistakes that I cannot come to terms with.

There is something about a bug or animal that counts eating shit, carrying around plague and skittering through dark alleyways among its merits that gives me reason for pause.

So here I was in a Mexican style standoff with Mitch the friendly cockroach who I would need to pole vault over to get to the bug spray on the opposite side of the room.

He clearly didn’t have the common decency to turn and run for his life. He just sat there, and looked disappointed that I’d dashed by and we didn’t get that chance to catch up.

I hit him so fast the poor bastard didn’t even see it coming before he shriveled up in that painfully contorted way people do when you cover them in deadly chemicals.

And then he died.

But because I’m no dummy and I’ve spent countless years watching horror movies where the killer/monster has seemingly expired but then jumps up again to begin its third full assault on its exhausted victim who’s all like “JUST DIE ALREADY!” but she can’t scream as she no longer has use of her vocal cords because that monster ripped them out in the last scene.

And that is ironic AND sad because if she could yell maybe those banjo playing neighbors could give her a hand.

Now let’s all go back to standing over the dead cockroach we left earlier in the story shall we?

Because I don’t ever trust a first death I sprinkled him with Comet and doused him with a Clorox wipe that while creating a low hanging toxic cloud in my basement, insured he was indeed expired and not “faking it”.

So, while I went to war and vanquished the Kaiser Soze of the insect world his comrades still remain out there walking the streets under cover of darkness waiting for an opportunity to strike.

An open door, a crack in the foundation, a missed visit from Orkin Pest Control. You never know what might trigger the onslaught, just don’t be caught unprepared.

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39 Comments

Filed under bug wars, cockroach, comet and clorox, mondays, movie previews, never trust a first death on screen, pests

39 responses to “Cockroach

  1. Alas poor Mitch, I knew him well.

    • dufmanno

      Doesn’t everybody have a Mitch? Maybe your Mitch is a glitter covered alley rat that won’t take a hint or perhaps a tiny tear drop shaped field mouse with big brown eyes. Or even worse he’s a caterpillar with brilliant colors and no ability to read the human range of emotions.
      Whoever your Mitch is one thing is for sure.
      We’ve all encountered him.

      • Cabo Bobbo

        For someone who lived through your younger years fighting off racoons at your bedroom window, squirells looking up through the heating grates in your room not to mention the meanest craziest human hating cat in the world. I can’t imagine you not being able to take on and take out any household invader you may come across!!!!!

  2. Angel

    I am with you, can’t stand anything with more than four legs. I can’t bring myself to kill them though so I usually put a glass over them and run for it.

    Have you tried hairspray, can’t beat it – turns the flys into gliders.

    • dufmanno

      ARe you kidding? Hairspray really does that?
      Now I’m running around with a can of AquaNet looking for a willing victim.

  3. Love your posts on Culture Brats, so I had to come over and visit.

    I am in full agreeance. Cockroaches are worse than ticks, worse than spiders, worse than stink bugs in every way, shape and form.

    The Clorox tent was a good idea.

    • dufmanno

      Hi Cecelia,
      Now that I think about it, I’m starting to wonder if the tick outdoes the cockroach.
      At least Mitch didn’t burrow into my flesh, suck my blood, become a big vile gray engorged mess and fall off.
      I just vomited.

  4. It never occurred to me until your brilliance, but MITCH is such a fitting name for a roach!

    The roaches in Taiwan are huge, black, and shiny, (Ladies, focus here!) and they fly! Many times I ran out of the bathroom screaming and nekkid… because they could fly!

  5. dufmanno

    You win. You fucking win HANDS DOWN.
    Things only take on nightmarish proportions once they have mastered the art of flight.
    The only way that could be worse is if they all were riding vampire bats and threw spears while spitting acid.
    I actually had to shudder and get up to run in a circle because I imagined one landing in my hair.
    AHHHHHHHH!

  6. Cabo Bobbo

    did you get my comment?

    • dufmanno

      Why yes I did and I’d like to thank you for dredging up all those fine childhood memories that helped make me the fine upstanding citizen I am today!
      Clearly I’m just a girl raised by wolves in a farmhouse overrun with territorial vermin. You forgot about the skunks, bears and deer!
      I’m going to go put on my lumberjack coat now, you should do the same.

  7. You better hope he wasn’t part of a “familia.”

  8. laughing my ass off.

    you definitely need to do the double tap when it comes to a cockroach. you’re a bamf, girl. you need to write the book and secure the movie rights.

    • dufmanno

      I’m having a vision of myself in a post apocalyptic Road Warrior case scenario where I’m putting a cap in the ass of a mega cockroach that is clearly that size because of the radiation.
      Like Godzilla, but without fire.

  9. I am a sissy girl when it comes to mice. I actually saw what I was fairly certain was two mice (of course, in hindsight, it could have been one mouse in two different rooms, I hear they move around) and my answer was to move. Yep, you read that right, I moved!! Panic attacks people! Mice give me full blown panic attacks. I can go toe to toe with a full grown man at any board room table in the world, just as long as he doesn’t have a mouse in his hand. Ugh! Cockroach, I can kill and just be squeamish for a couple of days. Glad you fought the good fight. Farewell and good riddance Mitch, slimy bugger.

    • dufmanno

      How about if the mouse is dressed in a funny hat?
      I got over the mouse thing when my husband found a group of orphaned baby mice in our house after the mom died.
      They were so pitifully trusting they came right up to him and LET him put them in a cup for reassignment to the outdoors.
      Too bad some bird of prey probably swooped down and ripped them to shreds after we left, but it’s the thought that counts.

      • Is the hat covering his entire body, so as to disguise the fact that he is a mouse? If not, I am losing myself into a state of panic. Not a choice, just a physical reaction.

  10. Ok, I’ve got a TMI story for you. Are you ready? I don’t care, here it is.

    I met some family at the local “Rural King” which is a general store for farmey types, and I had to use the bathroom. Like, right now. You know what I mean.

    There was a garden hose going across the floor and into the drain in the middle, and I had to flush the toilet 3 times to remove evidence of the previous tenant, which I did while making a seat-shield from a roll of toilet paper.

    While doing my business, I saw a giant roach-like bug scurry from behind me. Yes. BEHIND ME. I “cleaned up” faster and faster and as soon as I got up to flush and evacuate, he came back into the stall.

    A quick wash and a dry using an automatic dryer that wheezed cool air at me and I was on my way, trying not to barf.

    You’re welcome. 🙂

    • dufmanno

      Thank you for that. It helps distract the people who start thinking about what a filth ridden shit hole my house must be.
      I also appreciate the fact that I’m not the only one who makes a toilet seat cover only penatrable by ray guns and superheros.
      You can never be too careful.
      I’m glad your little visitor didn’t get too close.

      • Oh, he was definitely too close.

        I get the same fear that if I tell someone a story about my cat chasing a field mouse around our house they’ll think it’s a rat’s nest.

        The thing is, if our houses were messy, we wouldn’t have even seen the roach/field mouse in the first place. We leave them nowehere to hide!!!

      • So, wierd bathroom fact. Whenever we go to a new restaurant, before she will order food, Drama Queen will go to the bathroom. If they have less than pristine bathrooms, she will not eat.

  11. I can’t believe you killed the cockroach.

    His cuntroach is gonna be pissed about being a widow.

  12. I love you more than waffles and syrup.

    Shiva *is* seven in Hebrew 🙂

  13. dufmanno

    I heard an arguement between two close friends who battled it out regarding sitting Shiva.
    One said tradition dictates seven days the other said four would be just fine so I thought I’d *add* the number of days due to the cockroach being more traditional.

  14. foo

    I was going to post today about my roach friend, but now I can’t because your post can’t be topped.

    But I’ll tell you about it here.

    For the past week I’ve come home and looked under the kitchen sink to find my roach buddy sitting on the side of a sponge. You know, the ones that come premoistened? Well, what do you think I have sitting right next to the sponge? roach motel. I guess my little buddy didn’t really feel like having a permanent vaca anytime soon because he failed to check in.

    So, every day I would run to get the vacuum cleaner, because I didn’t want to spray in there, but by the time I came back he’d already disappeared…until yesterday.

    I got home from work, put my purse and keys away. Walked into the kitchen, lightly opened the cabinet door, and there he was in his usual spot giving himself a sponge bath. I lightly closed the door and ran for the vacuum. See the hard part is turning the vacuum on at just the right time as you open the door. A moment too soon and he will hear it and scram. Well, this time I got the sucker. Then, I opened a bottle of boric acid (a roach’s worst enemy) and sucked some of that into the vacuum, then proceeded to throw away the roach-peed-upon sponge, and vacuum the rest of the house.

    The end.

    • dufmanno

      I’m sorry but you need to post about that if only to warn the public about the terrifying brain power of your clearly superior roach.
      Mitch just sat there waiting for his fate to unfold, unwilling to take any evasive action or shake his cockroach apathy off long enough to make a difference.
      YOUR friend, on the other hand, was able to throw together enough of a plan to avoid his 3pm check in time and find himself a viable alternative.
      If that’s not post worthy, I don’t know what is.
      Also, I never knew about boric acid. Can you purchase a house dipped in it?

      • foo

        Terrifying brain power is right. He was a smart one, but I didn’t let him get the best of me. He’s the latest of a string of them since I moved into my new home last October. And one of them was on my bedroom ceiling and, yes, it flew around the room when I chased it with roach spray. That one almost sent me over the edge and I woke up in the middle of the night for a week thinking of “Joe’s Apartment”.

        House dipped in boric acid? I’d live there.

  15. GAHH!!! You’ve just written about the one insect on earth that makes my skin crawl. I can’t even talk about cockroaches without feeling like they’re crawling all over me. Or write about them. (Is there one on me? I feel like it’s on me.)

    • dufmanno

      It’s on your neck headed towards your ear where it’s going to make a home, reproduce and eat your brain.
      Have you ever seen the Creepshow segment where the guy has cockroaches coming out of every orifice?

  16. Pingback: Cool Shit 2 — « Fierce, Freethinking Fatties

  17. Ry Sal

    For days I’ve been afraid to comment out of a vision of a 6′ talking cockroach asking me what kind of beer we have… In an English accent, mind you.

  18. Agatha82

    Oh god…cockroaches…*shivers* I remember those from when I lived in Miami. Had never seen one before, then I found out they FLY! The big disgusting Palmetto bugs do. The most horrific thing that ever happened to me was when I reached for a cereal box and didn’t realise there was a roach on it. The friendly roach decided my arm would make a good running platform so there it went…running up my arm. I screamed so loud my dad came running in thinking I was being murdered. Think I must have scrubbed my arm raw afterwards. I don’t like to kill things but roaches get no mercy from me. DIE DIE DIE!

  19. How is it that I’ve not visited you sooner??

    Consider me wrist slapped (or spanked lightly if you prefer, but perhaps we discuss that later).

    As a former Florida resident whose been chased by cockroaches (or as they like to call them in Florida “palmetto bugs”, a fact which I’ve never understood because giving them a nice little “bug” name makes them no less ferocious, diseased or TERRIFYING) out of many a apartment/house/public toilet, I can absolutely relate.

    Once all I had was natural, Earth friendly hair spray in a pump bottle which was so ineffectual, I think the thing actually laughed at me.

    So I stepped on his smug, slimy little ass.

    B@stard.

    – B x

  20. Laughing in sheer terror. I wrote a post recently about a cricket in my bedroom that insisted on being on my pillow, right next to my face. This, after my husband swatted him clear across the room. He came back. To my head. On which my nose and ears are placed. Which both have openings. For things to crawl into.

  21. Having grown up alongside Mitch’s ancestors, I learned at any early age how to win an argument. Splat. With the palm of my hand. I think I sent chills up my husband’s spine the first time he saw me do this. Water bugs, of course, need a little more fire power. I prefer clogs but any hard bottom shoe is suitable.

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