The Horrifying Incident Involving the Boy, His Mouth, a 44 Minute Wait on Line, The Word Vagina and Fifty Scandalized, Hungry Patrons

Hey, remember me?

Super freewheeling summertime girl with the wind in her hair, not a care in the world and the family that looked like it jumped off the J. Crew end of summer catalog?

 Yeah, well she shriveled up into a ball and fucking vaporized in a puff of smoke this evening while trying to exert what little parental authority she was still clinging to during a mortifying incident at the jam-packed Friendship Heights Chipotle.

The scene opens with a sun-kissed, seemingly relaxed mother and her cute tanned energetic child engaging in playful banter  and games to bide the time at the end of a very long slow-moving line.

Area power outages have taken out the restaurant computer system and they seem to be processing transactions on some sort of Fred Flintstone rock and chisel credit card contraption.

Mother: Sam, get off the ledge, you might fall.

Sam: This line is long and I’m going to cut it. Let’s walk up there and just give the stupid order. This is terrible AND boring.

Mother: I know, but all these people are waiting just like us so that’s not fair.

Sam: Life is not fair. You say that to your kids all the time so I’m saying it to you now. (sing songy voice) Gonna drive my steamroller over all these stupid people and make them flat, then I’m gonna walk right over them and get my rice, la, la, la…

Mother: Sam! That’s not nice. Stop.

Sam: (under breath) It’s what we really need to do. Make pancake people and less line.

Fifteen more agonizing minutes pass with the levels of buffoonery increasing exponentially.

Mother: (sensing danger) Sam, you want me to pick you up?

Sam: (smiling) sure!

Sam: Hey, I can see your boobs from up here!

Mother: Okay, it’s time for me to put you down now.

Sam: (now rolling on the concrete floor and swatting at the bottom of his mothers sundress) Hey! I can see your vagina if I lift up your dress right?  Gavan taught me that girls penises are called vaginas! You have a vagina (then looking around and pointing to the surrounding women) and you have one, and you too. All ladies do!

Mother smashes her hand over Sam’s mouth

Sam: HEY! mrphh, machina, shtop, I CNTBREAFFFF!!!!!!!!

Mother: Shut it or you will NOT get a Mr. Pibb you fucking deviant animal, hiss.

Mother: (to employee) yea, I’d like three chicken…

Sam: VAGINAS!!!!

Mother: Burritos and one..

Sam: Lady vaginas! We want lady vagina on our burritos.

Mother: (covering Sam’s mouth with the iron force of a thousand livid parents) Just give me four burritos!

Employee:(quizzical look, cartoon question mark over head) burritos?

Mother: YES! Four of them, please hurry for the love of Christ!

Sam: (tearing at his mother’s fingers) pah chinas!!!!!

Mother: throwing cash at the checkout girl) QUICKLY! These four and a small Dr. Pibb.

Sam: Mr. Pibb doesn’t have a vagina cause he’s a boy and he’s got a penis. Mom, don’t you wish you could pee standing up?

Mother: no.

Defeated, she leaves the Chipotle with her head hanging in shame and her small son singing a remarkably catchy song about penises and why they are much more fun than vaginas.

Fade to black, end scene.

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20 Comments

Filed under Adventure, adversity, am I doing anything right?, bad parenting, buffoonery, can I have a normal day, delinquints, difficult kids, disasters

20 responses to “The Horrifying Incident Involving the Boy, His Mouth, a 44 Minute Wait on Line, The Word Vagina and Fifty Scandalized, Hungry Patrons

  1. AWESOME. I didn’t know they sold vaginas at Chipotle!

    Don’t you just love the shit kids say?

  2. Dufmanno

    You should try the spicy vagina burrito with guacamole and sour cream. I hear it’s mind blowing.

  3. I just woke my roommate up from laughing so hard at this. I can definitely hear little me saying “This is terrible AND boring.” I’m sorry you had such a mortifying and entertaining experience at a TexMex semi-fast food restaurant.

    Just think of how hilarious it will be to tell this story at his wedding… And remind him to be happy that this memory is preserved in the blogosphere.

    But that’s better than being the little “I love Lasagna” girl, preserved on YouTube for the world to see/hear.

    • dufmanno

      Best youtube video this side of watching sting and stewart copeland fist fight before a concert. There’s that pesky Police thing again. Anyway, at this point I’m inclined to ask what kid DOESN’T love vaginas. Clearly the nuns were determined to make sure I never had this kind of adoration. Thank God, Elly came along and helped me over the hump.

  4. Everything about that made me happy. Everything. Sour cream and vaginas are two of my favorite things. EVER. Also, I might have to make out with wisdomunconventional now.

  5. Angel

    That was so funny, I would have curled up with embarassment if it had been me. Don’t you just love kids.

    I was holding my niece in the supermarket once and she asked to go down, so I put her on the floor not knowing she was holding onto my top so that when I stood up she pulled it right down.

    But I think your experience was worse.

    • dufmanno

      No, it was not.
      I can honestly say that full nipple exposure trumps vagina TALK anyday.
      Now if she had pulled down your trousers and you happen to have been going commando that day,THAT would trump flashing your ta ta’s.
      I’ve gotten a skirt lift in public but I was wearing my granny panties so I had FULL coverage and then some. Sadly, my friends made fun of me unmercifully for my fruit of the loom large sized blue and pink flowered bloomers.
      Fuck each and every one of you ladies.

  6. you are such a man. I’m currently stuck in the “what’s that” phase with the two year old. I’m planning on never telling him and letting Gavin shed some light. Do you have his digits?

    • dufmanno

      My stock answer is “it’s the bits and the parts honey” and then I think of Sister Pat and smile.
      As you can see now, that was about as successful as Mel Gibson and Oksana Russian Lady pairing so I’m rethinking my strategy.
      Gavan clearly is getting information from some sort of advanced life form with an anatomically correct barbie and ken doll.

  7. LOFL!!!! I’m soooo tempted to say that my husband says that all lady vaginas taste like chipolte anyway…. but that would be wrong right?

    • dufmanno

      I’m not sure what my answer to that one should be. Elly? Hot liver in a vice? Undercooked fish with tartar sauce. Oh god, I’d love to think that lady vaginas tasted like the yummy goodness of Chipotle but perhaps you are on to something since every time we go there someone says “smell my hand”.
      Oh, that was bad. I’m sorry.

      • First, I’m suddenly over my craving for a guac burrito that has been annoying me since reading this post yesterday. Second, what the fuck is the deal with fish tacos? I mean, how is that possibly considered appetizing? Jesus Jennifer that’s disgusting. Why on earth would you ever tamper with tacos, possibly the single best culinary invention in the history of all time? (…and also slang for vagina which makes it extra better, especially when sour cream is involved.) Fuck. Now I want a taco. (That’s what he said.)

        Wait, what was the question?

      • Couple of comments.

        #1 – The phrase is hot liver in a VISE. I first heard it from Seaman First Class Robert Kosloski while he was on shore leave in 1987.

        The mechanics are related to the texture and warmth of the vagina more than the taste, though I suppose an especially virile sailor could eat the liver afterwards.

        #2- I forget what it tastes like.

  8. Janet

    Ai dios mio! That was great, thanks for having and sharing that experience because it brought me such joy.
    Jaw wiring. Look into it.

  9. I noticed only one glaring problem and that is your son’s use of “vagina.” Please have him watch this video to clear it up.

    Peace,
    Shannon

  10. dufmanno

    Chuck- did the monkey put you up to this?
    Good call on vise vs. vice.

  11. YouTube sensation! 🙂

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