How to be a Proper Groupie

It's all part of my rock and roll fantasy

Aren’t we all looking for a spectacular rock and roll way to die?

It’s better to burn out than to fade away people, and erupting in flames after Keith Richards accidentally lights his cigarette with a blow torch next to your  vodka soaked naked body is a lot more interesting than catching and subsequently dying from a case of whooping-cough.

The grandiosity of your exit makes a huge statement about how you lived your life.

Here are a few of my favorites compiled by my reformed sisters in arms & myself.

Death by Electrocution

One moment you are skinny dipping in the hotel pool with the roadies trying to get the golden key upstairs to party with the band then suddenly the inebriated guitarist tosses a plugged in radio into the water and watches curiously as everyone does that familiar dance before collapsing. Sadly, just moments before he was contemplating going up to the room and throwing a tv out the window. Choices.

Going out in a blaze of glory.

Perishing in a mind-blowing pyrotechnics display during the bands second encore at Shea Stadium while scaling the wrong rear wall to get backstage.

Eaten.

You’ve made it inside the iron gates . The palatial surroundings of your rock and roll fantasy guys  compound are so inviting you MUST tour the grounds.  Unfortunately you stumble into the area that houses his collection of rare and exotic animals. Next thing you know your eyes are gouged out by his birds of prey and what’s left of you is then eaten by his pet lion.

Wait!

Minion on accelerated schedule comes to collect your soul ten years too early after contract with Satan is executed promising ten years of wedded bliss to the rock star of your choice. Damn, the ink isn’t even dry yet.

Ahhh Shit!

Frightened to death in dark hallway after surprise appearance by Marilyn Manson who is there to collaborate on a single in rock stars home studio.

Fly Away Home

Flowing mesh frock (a la Stevie Nicks) snags on wheel of private band jet during boarding. Band too drunk to notice frantic screaming prior to departure, so it’s death by asphyxiation at 30,000 feet or internal injuries gotten from being folded into wheel well during take off and landing. You take your pick.

I didn’t know you were married!

Throat ripped out by the teeth of insanely jealous wife after thrilling chase that includes impressive vaulting over various shrubbery and ducking cutlery thrown by pursuer.

Oh yeah!

Impaled on newly purchased medieval andirons during  extra vigorous sexual escapade.

My head.

Brain injury after taking  hit to the noggin  from flying  drumstick  meant for pompous lead singer.

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13 Comments

Filed under 1, blaze of glory, great ways to die, rock and roll, rock stars

13 responses to “How to be a Proper Groupie

  1. Sorry, but if it means saving my lovely Gordon, you’re brain has got to go. The end.

    • dufmanno

      Oh Sting, the things I do for you.
      Fine, I’m willing to perish so he can go on as long as he makes a solemn promise to sing Demolition Man as I’m slowly expiring.

  2. Ry Sal

    How about spontaneous combustion… All spinal tap style.

    • dufmanno

      Can I have a tiny Stonehenge in the backround for dramatic effect?
      Also, I’d like to burst into flames while jumping David Lee Roth style off of Stewart Copeland’s drum riser.
      Preferably after having married him but whatever.

  3. how about stage diving and nobody fucking catches your ass. AAAAaaaahh.

  4. dufmanno

    I can’t believe I forgot my favorite!
    Thrown off the tour bus minus clothing on the highway going 75 mph. If the ejection out onto the pavement doesn’t kill you the case of beer they throw out after you will.

  5. Hilarious as ever. I had a one-night stint as a groupie back in April that would have made you proud. Add this one to your list of untimely deaths: “Death by being thrown out into the parking lot of a Central Georgia ‘Budget Motel’ by ‘Security’ at said Motel.”

    It was NOT good for business when trying to seem irresistible to a group of 40-something bluegrass musicians from Nashville.

    • dufmanno

      YOU’RE BACK!
      I just knew you were out doing something worthwhile and lo and behold you are tagging along with the band.
      Or at least you are trying to.
      Anyway, glad to see you around again and know you haven’t been abducted.

  6. Add to it. Having your brain picked 0ut by a dumb blonde trying to figure out how the fuck you come up with these things.

    • dufmanno

      I’d like to say it’s all imagination but perhaps there are a few truth nuggets sprinkled in there. I mean, who DOESN’T like to roll with the band?
      I will say that I’ve never been lit on fire before. Thank goodness.

  7. Tom G.

    Joe Strummer and Mick Jones would approve…

    Death or Glory

    Now every cheap hood strikes a bargain with the
    world
    And ends up making payments on a sofa or a girl
    Love ‘n’ hate tattooed across the knuckles of his hands
    Hands that slap his kids around ’cause they don’t understand how

    Death or glory becomes just another story
    Death or glory becomes just another story

    ‘N’ every gimmick hungry yob digging gold from rock ‘n’ roll
    Grabs the mike to tell us he’ll die before he’s sold
    But I believe in this-and it’s been tested by research
    he who fucks nuns will later join the church

    Death or glory becomes just another story
    Death or glory becomes just another story

    MUSICAL INTERLUDE

    Fear in the gun sights
    they say lie low
    You say ok
    don’t wanna play a show
    No other thinking
    was it death or glory now
    Playing the blues of kings
    sure looks better now

    Death or glory just another story
    Death or glory just another story

    From every dingy basement on every dingy street
    every dragging handclap over every dragging beat
    That’s just the beat of time-the beat that must go on
    If you’ve been trying for years we already heard your song

    Death or glory becomes just another story
    Death or glory just another story

    Gonna march a long way
    Fight a long time
    Get to travel over mountains
    Got to travel over seas
    We’re gonna fight your brother
    We’re gonna fight til you lose
    We’re gonna raise trouble
    We’re gonna raise hell
    We’re gonna fight your brother
    We’re gonna raise hell

    Death or glory becomes just another story
    Death or glory becomes just another story

    Death or glory just another story
    Death or glory becomes just another story

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