Time to Make the Sign of the Cross and Kiss Your Ass Good bye.

Ahhhhh! NO LIGHTNING BOLTS!

Hmmmm. 

O.K. I’ve watched this odd news story for a couple of days and my inner guilt ridden lapsed Catholic schoolgirl self has whispered to just shut up about it. 

I’ve decided to ignore her and say something anyway. 

So, you’ve all heard of the larger than life papier-mache looking gargantuan butter touchdown Jesus that was struck from above by a bolt of lightning that CLEARLY came right out of the tip of God’s right pointer finger and burned to the ground. Right? 

No? 

Well, the picture above is  what he looked like BEFORE someone in the home office decided to smite him and teach the world a lesson. 

Now there is some sort of spectacular debate raging about how quickly he can be rebuilt. 

Really? 

Am I the only fucking one looking down my street listening for the telltale clippity clop of the hooves of the horses carrying the revelation guys and looking for angry winged creatures with battle gear? 

If butter Jesus takes a hit THAT direct and BURNS TO THE GROUND does no one else get the feeling that maybe he should stay down? The nuns used to love to tell us that if  “HE” doesnt’ like something he generally destroys it with a giant fireball sent from heaven or some sort of bizarre mind game. 

 Like Anna Wintour from Vogue but with lower heels and more warmth in the eyes. 

Now onto the list of things that the big guy upstairs didn’t like. 

Sodom and Gomorrah 

Wow, it's getting hot in here. Maybe we should move the ice sculpture of the penis away from the fireball.

 Looks like it was a lot of fun while it lasted. Sadly it didn’t last very long:( 

Babel and it’s super awesome tower 

God clearly hates awesome architecture.

Don’t get so uppity, human population of earth, or I’ll knock down your pretty tower and scatter you throughout the land. Oh and also you’ll all be talking different languages so good luck with that. 

Now you can add TD Butter Jesus to that list. 

Personally, I thought that  statue of the J man flying up out of the water was super cool albeit a tad creepy. 

Not as creepy as this though…. 

Feast your eyes on this crazy.

This is a crazy huge metal statue that is on the grounds of the Marian Shrine at Don Bosco WHERE THEY USED TO TAKE US FOR MANDITORY RETREATS. 

I’m sure you’ll understand why we made sure we were drunk and high before we got on the bus to endure this silent snooze fest where the only entertainment was to pretend the giant metal statue of Mary came alive  and used her rosary beads to impale the slow children she was chasing. Remember, we were drunk so no judging us.

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10 Comments

Filed under butter touchdown jesus meets his maker, catholics, don't rebuild, don't smite me

10 responses to “Time to Make the Sign of the Cross and Kiss Your Ass Good bye.

  1. wow – – I just went zooming back in time to when I was in catholic school where father tom couldn’t get the kids to pay attention to his little class on CONFESSION and REDEMPTION. so before his head exploded he completely lost it and screamed SHUT THE FUCK UP.

    its the little things…

    • dufmanno

      Wow. I kind of wish Father Tom had been on our forced retreat with us so it would have been mildly interesting.
      Hey, on the bright side at least no one got their face melted off by a lightning bolt!

  2. That Jesus always reminded me of something out of “Poseidon Adventure.”

    And you should take that statue’s head as a bounty.

    • dufmanno

      That monstrosity was 45 feet of solid metal. If one of us could have summoned the courage to grab her swinging rosary beads and scale her impressive length, I worry that we would have been overwhelmed by catholic guilt once at the top and changed our minds about beheading her. I think I just felt a huge black spot appear on my soul after writing that sentence.
      Yup. Eternal damnation.
      Almost as bad as the time SOMEONE stole the baby Jesus out of the manger from the yard nativity scene.

  3. holy mother of god, that statue gives new meaning to dominatrix.

    • dufmanno

      HA!
      I wish you could see her in real life.
      If you stand underneath her for a long period of time when you’re drunk she looks like she wants to kill you.

  4. I still think God heard I was going to be on the road and just assumed we’d be hitting our normal stretch of highway while visiting Rocco’s parents so threw down a random lightening bolt to smite my vagina talk but missed and hit creepy born again Jesus instead. I’m gonna smite St Joe, PS.

    • dufmanno

      I think God is okay with the vagina talk especially considering it’s one of his finest creations.
      Butter touch down J man on the other hand is like a 5th grade, half finished, papier mache project for the school religion contest that got tossed in the lake next to the school when it’s maker realized he needed to start over.
      God wants that crazy shit gone.
      Obviously. Lightning bolt.

  5. I wasn’t even aware of the existence of that big ol’ Jesus just five minutes ago, but, since then, I’ve gone through this range of emotions:

    WHAT THE?

    HOLY SCARY JESUS!

    NIGHTMARES FOREVER!!

    WHAT KIND OF GOD WOULD ALLOW…oh. it burned down. everything’s going to be okay.

  6. dufmanno

    I’m still concerned that it’s going to be coming back. Kind of like real Jesus but not really.
    I said “not really” because I got scared I was going to get hit with a lightning bolt from all those years of conditioning.
    You know what I found really disturbing about that statue? It was like something out of the Harry Hamlin 80’s version of Clash of the Titans.
    Perseus would be riding his chariot past that lake and big ol butter Jesus would emerge and they would have a big battle. Then Medusa would join in riding that crazy Harryhausen scorpion and it would be epic.
    Perseus would win in the movie but it’s a toss up in real life.

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