These are the Dave’s I Know

Today is not going well. 

I should have known things were going to start swirling down the bowl when typing out my blog name I wrote Dud man Ho instead of Dufmanno. 

Get it? 

I’m a dud, and a man ho.
ha. 

 Then I wrote a post over at Culture Brats and I started to feel better. 

They are like the friend with the Wondertwin powers  that you activate by touching matching rings and taking the shape of a really awesome creature or form of matter (SHAPE OF….AN EAGLE) except you don’t have to wear the matching purple body suits or own a space monkey. 

Right after I finished that up, my friend Vapid asked me to make a super list of fictional characters I’d like to have relations with. 

 Because I’m Catholic, I have to pretend that my husband has died and I’ve been given a get out of hell free card from the Church and a note from my now deceased husband indicating that I’m invoking the “free pass” rule. Usually spouses give each other this “pass” in extreme circumstances. 

For example. 

If my husband is in a shipwreck and is one of only two survivors on a desert island and the other person is Cindy Crawford then he is totally allowed to have sex with her. 

If I am walking down the street and the reunited members of the Police pull up in the tour bus, throw open the doors and summon me inside, I am allowed to remain there for at LEAST two days with no questions asked. 

Understand? 

With no further ado, here is my list. 

Number 5 

Gary Oldman from Romeo Is Bleeding

Yes, Gary Oldman. Anything you say.

What is it about Gary Oldman? He’s wildly appealing in that dangerous off kilter way that I REALLY like. If you’ve never seen his mind-boggling scenes with Lena Olin in this film, do yourself a favor and rent it. You WON’T be disappointed. 

Number 4 

Lloyd Dobler in Say Anything.  

Joe Lies.

 Okay, I know he’s just a lovable dork and there is nothing steamy about this but how can you NOT love the guy who stands in front of your house with his gun-metal grey boom box blaring In Your Eyes? 

Number 3 

Harrison Ford in Presumed Innocent

I've got a bad feeling about this.

I know he’s fucking old as dirt now but I really like him in this one. He seems virtually incapable of resisting Greta Scacchi and that scene on the desk in the office doesn’t hurt either. Also, um he was Han Solo and Indiana Jones for Christ’s sake! 

Number 2 A TIE 

Okay, hard to fathom that I'm looking at young Peter Gallagher here.

Threesomes, yay!

That’s right people it’s a tie between the threesome in the 1982 classic Summer Lovers (Darryl Hannah, Peter Gallagher and Valerie Quinnessen the french chick no one ever heard from again) and the threesome in The Dreamers (sultry but scandalously young-looking Michael Pitt, Eva Green & Louis Garrell). This one needs no explanation. Threesome people! 

Number 1 

You know it couldn’t be any other way. The fictional Kyle Reese from the Terminator played to sexually explosive perfection by thinking man’s action hero, Michael Biehn. 

Hey, can you pump the rifle again for kicks?

I’m hot. I’m naked. I came across time for you. I’ve never had sex  before. I’m madly in love with you. Watch me pump this shotgun. 

And whoops, next thing you know you’re pregnant with mankind’s last hope. 

So there you have it.

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17 Comments

Filed under bad days that turn good, lists, pretending

17 responses to “These are the Dave’s I Know

  1. i’m jumping up and down with excitement like a little kid who hears the ice cream truck right now … i thought i was the only person in the world who saw summer lovers and the dreamers! i love love love both of those movies.

    and gary oldman is the shiznet! he was ridiculously sexy as sid vicious in sid and nancy, count dracula in coppola’s dracula, and beethoven in immortal beloved.

    awesome list!

    • dufmanno

      I was worried that a tie between threesomes might disqualify me but the sheer classic nature of both films rises above the rules.

      Is Gary Oldman ever NOT awesome? He brings it in every single role. I even went to see the much maligned update of The Scarlet Letter with Demi Moore because I heard he just oozed sex in it. And of course, he did.
      Thank you Gary Oldman, from the women of the world.

  2. Gary Oldman is so hot and definately oozes sex. (and probably other types of matter). I was devastated when I thought I read on twitter that he had died. And then I stood corrected and it was actually Gary Coleman.

    I need to see these threesome movies!

    Love that you went both ways with the menage-a-trois, 2 girls one guy, 2 guys one girl.

    • dufmanno

      Oh god, Gary Oldman can NEVER die!
      Definately see both threesome flicks, especially Summer Lovers. I wax a little poetic about it basically because it’s the first threesome movie I ever saw as a teenager but it was still charming.

  3. Love lloyd dobbler. I feel like John Cusack has just done variations of him all throughout his career.

    Never thought Gary Oldman was particulary sexy until that picture. Thanks!

    • dufmanno

      Doesn’t everyone love Lloyd? The imitation since then just makes you wonder exactly how much of his own personality actually went into making that character. Now that might make me love John Cusak even more.

  4. Han on the brain.

    I never considered the threesome… how very creative of you! Had I been so clever I could have added in Matt Dylan with Denise Richards and Neve Campbell… but then again.. way too much competitive hair…

    • dufmanno

      I know! I saw you had Harrison too and it made me smile because I know that many great minds sometimes think alike. Even if your great mind picked a better fictional character than mine and you got to wear twisty buns on either side of your head.
      Also, I can’t believe I forgot Wild Things. What ever happened to Neve Campbell?

  5. 18 years, and I got irrationally jealous over this one. Go figure 🙂

    Still not getting why you made my desert island girl cindy crawford, but what the heck.

    • dufmanno

      Your irrational jealousy may have stemmed from the fact that I hypothetically killed you off so I could have pretend sex with fictional characters.
      I took a wild guess at Cindy Crawford. If you like we can switch it up and get you a free pass for a fictional character or famous person that is more to your liking.

  6. What about Three to Tango? Mmmm.

  7. “And whoops, next thing you know your pregnant with mankind’s last hope. ”

    HAHAHAHA I think you should end all stories with that line from now on. Perfect. 🙂

    • dufmanno

      I tried it in a variety of different situations and it didn’t work so well when I was talking about other peoples husbands or to members of the clergy but otherwise it got HUGE approval numbers.

  8. Pingback: Plastic Can Be Good | BugginWord

  9. I have to admit, these are mind-opening choices for me. Peter Gallagher does not age, does he? He may be related to Demi Moore.

    • dufmanno

      I think Peter G. is underused AND underappreciated. I haven’t seen him lately but he used to have a killer unibrow.
      Although I shouldn’t talk. My Italian cavewoman genes caused many a sad night before I discovered the facial wax.

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