Standard Operating Procedure For Handling Assholes

In recent years the threat of coming in contact with and being attacked by an asshole has increased at an alarming rate.

Whether this occurs because of their prolific numbers (that are on the rise as well) or results from the isolated efforts of one individual or a group of assholes the results can be the same.

Sadness, destruction of your self-worth, anger, death, bodily injury and property damage.

People becoming assholes can generally be traced to four main causes; personal hate, a lifetime of unrealized dreams, mean parents, general douchebaggery left unchecked, or born that way.

One cannot think of the asshole as having a stereotyped personality or physical appearance. They come from all walks of life and have numerous and varied reasons, quite justified in their own heads, for spewing their assholery and inflicting mass destruction.

They have a wide range of mental aptitude thus resulting in difficulty assessing and fending off their barbs.
To avoid panic among your family and friends if you encounter one of these day ruining assholes you should try to remain isolated but not confined WITH the asshole.

Call in a search team to sniff out and remove the asshole. Under no circumstances should you attempt to disarm or approach this asshole yourself. You want to minimize casualties.

A majority of assholes are easy to detect and avoid and an effort should be made to walk in the other direction whenever one is spotted.

With experience, training and adequate operational procedures your life can be mostly free of this hazard and you can go on to have a wonderfully positive and productive day.

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17 Comments

Filed under assholes, how to do stuff, osha would be so proud, standard operating procedure

17 responses to “Standard Operating Procedure For Handling Assholes

  1. I expected this to be a link to a place where I would learn proper care and maintenance techniques.

    Does this make me an asshole?

  2. Thank you for this very important and informative article on assholes. I will definitely heed your advice in the future and look forward to a world where assholery becomes obsolete. I commend you on your commitment and dedication to this issue. U rawk!

    • dufmanno

      Many years of study went into putting this together. Thank you for your kind words.
      It is also my dream that one day we can live in a world where the most heinous kind of terminal assholes are no longer walking among us.

  3. Pingback: Tweets that mention Standard Operating Procedure For Handling Assholes « Dufmanno’s Blog -- Topsy.com

  4. calling in the search team to deal with my passive-aggressive boss who never gives up the fight to make her opinion the only valid one. why can’t she throw me a bone once in awhile? is it ALL really that important to her?

    come quickly, please! i’m beginning to feel self-hate which will turn me into of them. i need an intervention.

    • Dufmanno

      I’ve also employed the services of the shitty behavior swat team on occasion. You might want them to smoke out the building before entering to weed out individual asshole types.

  5. Hey, you said there were four sources of assholes and you gave five.

    So, now who’s the asshole, you for fucking up or me for pointing it out?

    Peace,
    Shannon

    • dufmanno

      That would totally be you, but it’s okay.
      I thought of a fifth source as I was typing and as usual was too lazy to go back and really fix anything.
      And that, my friend, is why people are clamoring for me to head up their fact checking departments. Especially that Periodical of Non Facts, Mistakes and Blatant Lies that’s been after my services for so many years.

  6. Speaking of assholes….I have bestowed a task onto you at my site…

    • dufmanno

      I’m mulling over the who’s and why’s of my list that I will compile.
      So many to choose from and for so many good reasons.

  7. This is awesome! I love the “Born that way” reason. I tried to think otherwise, but I’m convinced that that’s the main source for assholes. I second KYA’s opinion that you need to come up with part II, How to Care for Your Assholes.

    • dufmanno

      Elly gave us a head start by researching various ways to insert a Hershy Kiss into your bum.
      Thanks ELLY!
      I think I hear the residents of Sodom and Gomorrah moving their pointy, uncomforable velvet furniture into my living room.

  8. I so wish I could say “I’m with Chuck”, but I think that might end badly…
    with love,
    born that way.

  9. Thanks for the advice.. Now how do you take care of the ones that are on FB?

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